Phil My Dear husband,

I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.

I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and feel I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV shows. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything else that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

Don’t try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together. Have a great life!

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REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. The reason I watch TV so much is because it drowns out your constant whining and bitching. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair-do last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was ‘You look just like a boy.’ Since my father taught me not to say anything, ‘if you can’t say something nice, etc.,’ I didn’t comment….and when you cooked my “favorite meal,” you must have confused me with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was only a coincidence that my brother had borrowed $300 from me just that morning.

After all this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris…….. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-Husband.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope this doesn’t present a problem.