I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

· My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.

· Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.

· Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.

· My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”

· She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she’s reloading.

· When I was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.

· My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

· Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go too.

· I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

· At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.

· I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

· I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

· Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

· As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.