Friday Frivolity – The $2.99 Special

If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, God willing, someday you will be.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. ‘Sounds good,’ my wife said.  ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE’VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it! Even non-seniors will appreciate it! Always laugh when you can – it’s cheaper than medicine!

Day Brightener – Mental Fitness Evaluation for Retirees and Four-Year-Old’s

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing OK, if you get none right you better go for counseling or get a job.

There are 4 test questions. Don’t miss one.

Giraffe Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

Elephant Test
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

Lion King Test
3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Crocodile Test
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:
You jump into the river and swim across. Haven’t you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, Around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you
should make you feel good.

Day Brightener – Leave It To An 8-Year-Old

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray.. Asking God for ice cream! Why — I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, “Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?”

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson & said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grandson asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, “Here ma’am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass and cool off!”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it!

Day Brightener – Pictures That “Old Folks” Will Remember

#1:  Cars Were Colorful!  Most cars these days look fairly bland, but in the 50’s, our cars were big, bright, and fun!

#2.  We Got Dressed Up for Birthday Parties.  And sometimes there was even a pony there!

#3:  We Played in the Streets:  We didn’t have to text our friends back in the day – we’d all just come outside and get to playing!  Who was a two-sewer slugger?

#4:  Gas Was Very Cheap:  On some days, it was only $0.20 a gallon, and beyond that, the people at the station could fix just about anything!

#5:  The Ben Franklin 5-10 Was Everything:  We loved going to these stores.  They had just about anything and everything you could think of. So did Woolworth, Kresge and J.C. Penny!

#6:  If it Wasn’t the Ben Franklin, it was the A&P!

#7: Our Skates Got “Locked” with a Key.  They were also made almost entirely of metal and very hard to skate on!

#8:  The Drive-In Was The Place to Be:  This 1950’s photo from South Bend, Indiana, shows how popular they were!

#9:  Car Seats Were More Like Couches:  That’s right – they were big, long, and you could slide all the way across!  How about that Jane Russell bra!

#10:  The Freezer Actually Had to be DEFROSTED!:  That’s right, every now and then you’d have to manually defrost the freezer – sometimes it took all day – with a lot of scraping!

#11:  Grandma Let Us Do Everything.  Well, maybe that hasn’t changed so much, but we LOVED eating off the beaters!

#12:  Sometimes Your Food Came On Roller Skates!  Certain restaurants had “roller girls” who would zoom your food out to you!

#13:  We got DOWN at the Sock Hop!  And sweet 16 parties!

#14:  Sunday Drives Were A Thing:  On Sunday, many of us would load up the family car and just go cruising over to the neighbors or just around town!

#15:  There Was One TV.  And, surprise, we didn’t argue all night about who should get to watch their favorite show.  Most of the time, we all liked the same shows!

#16:  The Playgrounds were VERY Different:  At recess, we’d swing from the monkey bars with wild abandon and often even stand on the swings and go as high as possible.  And still, we survived!

#17:  TV Had “Sign Off” Messages.  Remember these?  TV would go off at midnight and sometimes even go as far as playing the National Anthem all night.

#18: Just One Hula Hoop Wasn’t Enough:  Some of us could do multiple at a time!

#19:  We didn’t Text, But We Did Pass Notes!  And we were experts at not getting caught!  Check out the shoes!

#20:  We Had Xylophones That We Kept on a Pull String.  There was nothing like the Pull a Tune!

#21:  We Got Bottled Cokes and Loved Them: No cans or plastic bottles back then.  We were 100% excited when we’d find a cooler like this to get that ice-cold bottle!

Those Were The Days, My Friends!

Day Brightener – How Many?

A man walks into a bar and sits down, and orders a drink. Bartender says, “I’m sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you.”

Guy gets up and leaves.

A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.

“I’m sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave.”

Guy gets up, grunts and wanders off again through the same exit.

Another few minutes goes by and the same guy comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.

“SIR, I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOW TWICE THAT YOU’RE TOO DRUNK AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU.”

Dude looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs:

“How many bars do you work at?!!!”

Day Brightener – Sometimes The Answer You Get Is Not What You Expected

Q and ASMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’  The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2014!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.