Day Brightener – Two Vignettes That Show That Humor Comes In Many Forms

Fluctuations
(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was very irritated.

She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you, white people, too”

You know you’re laughing ….

And Then…….

Day Brightener – The Story Of The Wine Taster

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers”. Low grade but acceptable.

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….

“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results..”

“Correct.”

A third glass…

”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father

Day Brightener – Old Man Walking – Sometimes We Overcomplicate Things

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says:  “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him.

And one of the students said to him,

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk. We couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have….Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said,

“Well, I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”

Day Brightener – Snow Plowing In Dublin . . .

On a bitterly cold winter morning, an Irish husband and his blonde headed wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.”  So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow plows can get through.”  The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A week later they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park . . . ”  Then the electric power went out and the radio went silent.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said, “I don’t know what to do.  Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow s can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

(I didn’t see that coming, either.).

Day Brightener – Shopping At Tiffany

A lady walks into Tiffany. She looks around, spots a beautiful gold bracelet and goes over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little ‘oops’ and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near as she turns around,  her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber,  he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany, he politely greets the lady with, ‘good day, madam.  How may we help you today???

Blushing and uncomfortable,  but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed  her little ‘incident’,  she asks,  ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He replied, “madam .. If you farted just  looking at it – you’re going to shit when I tell you the price .”

Day Brightener – Dating Ads For Seniors, Found In A Florida Newspaper

‘The Villages’ Dating Ads You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages”  Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don’t have a  sense of humor?

FOXY  LADY
Sexy,  fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′). Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,  fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

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SERENITY NOW
I  am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

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WINNING  SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, Corn on the cob and caramel candy.

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BEATLES  OR STONES
 still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on  Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s  get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

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MEMORIES
I  can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

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MINT CONDITION
Male,  1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

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AND FINALLY
A  lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.  She asked him if he was new to the community and he said: “no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years”. She then said, “I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!”. He then said, “I have been in prison for the last 17 years!”. She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife! She was stunned again and after a long pause, she said… So you’re SINGLE???

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Do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.