Friday Frivolity – Profound Observations

observer_daily_observationsThe Great Lao-Tzu said
“It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you come to realize that you can solve problems without using violence.”

Sex & Calories
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

After my Prostate Exam:
The Doctor left. 
Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words no man wants to hear: “Who was that”?

Quote from John Wayne;
“Life is hard and harder if you are stupid”

Remember:
Humor is like salt, everything goes better with it.

Consistency:
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

Day Brightener – A Few Short Vignettes On Getting Older

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked: “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, because I just shot and killed them both” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

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INSTRUCTIONS
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery, and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best; and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

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AGING
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say: “You don’t look that old.”

Day Brightener – Changing Values As We Age. FUNNY!

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam… I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady. ” but, I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your private parts are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 78 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Day Brightener – Aplomb Explained, More Delightful British Humor

The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. “May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.

“I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain.”

“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

“Aplomb,” My Lord.

“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused about it.”

“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

“While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

“That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender.”

“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, “Darling, is your prick still throbbing?” and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Carson is aplomb.”

Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Start The Weekend

Clear understanding
Daughter asks her Dad, “Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn’t understand. He is SOooo into his cars and said “that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad said,”You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his, headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe.”

Missing The Point?
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.  She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.  At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs …… enough times that her husband finally asks,

“Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank God – I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

Friday Frivolity – A Few Good Laugh For Us Older Folks

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Nah, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’
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A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’
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Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
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One more……..

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Now, before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh over the weekend