Day Brightener – His Lawyer’s Advice Worked Because He Properly Interpreted It

CourtroomA defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” asked the defendant.

“Oh no!” said the lawyer. “This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them,” said the lawyer.

“But I did send them,” said the defendant.

“What?? You did?”

“Yes, that’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.

Day Brightener – The Farmer And The Big City Lawyer

Duck HunterA big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field. 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New England and, if you don’t let me retrieve that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota.  We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!  His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

Day Brightener – Thoughts From The Shower

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the  next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we’ll just call it “2’s Day”. (It does fall on a Tuesday).

Day Brightener – British Humor

british-1I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.
I shouted – “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
______________________________ __________

british-2Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“Occupation?
“No, just here for a few days.”
______________________________ __________

british-3As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,
A voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
______________________________ __________

british-4“Jesus Loves You.”
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________

british-and-american-humor-5-638Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________

british-6I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen!” I said, “That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel.”
______________________________ __________

british-8A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit”

The man being interviewed asks, “Why the rabbit?”

“Excellent” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

Day Brightener – No Pun Intended

A Sign In A Shoe Repair Store In Vancouver Reads:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A Sign On A Blinds And Curtain Truck:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Friday Frivolity – This Is For All Of You BBQ Fans

Turns out, it’s true.

Interesting History..an example of the American free enterprise capitalistic system at work..

On June 16, 1903, the Ford Motor Company was established. Henry Ford was the founder. This was not his first rodeo, as he had previously operated the Henry Ford Company. He left that company and took his name with him. What became of the Henry Ford Company? They became known as the Cadillac Motor Company.

What does any of this have to do with the photo of a BBQ grill? Hang on.

Ford’s Model T, which would number in the millions sold, required 100 board feet of wood to build. Ford despised waste. His motto was, “Reduce, reuse, and recycle.” He was also a nature-lover, an environmentalist of his time. His escape from the stress of life was camping in the great outdoors.

Frustrated by the mountains of sawdust his lumber mills created, he and his partners sought a way to utilize the scrap wood and sawdust into a useful (and profitable) product.

An idea came to him one day as he was camped with some friends in the wilds of Michigan . After his party spent a long time collecting sufficient wood for a campfire, an idea sprung in Ford’s mind. Upon returning back to the lumber mill, he shared the idea with some of his partners and set to work on it.

The idea? Lumping a fistful of sawdust and cornstarch with a bit of tar to form a briquette. After charring it, it performed exactly what Ford imagined it would. He then built a charcoal briquette factory adjacent to his lumber mill where the waste from one became the fuel for the other.

A new Model T was now frequently sold with a bonus bag of Ford Charcoal Briquettes, so you could drive into the woods to camp and not worry about finding campfire wood.

So now you know. Ford not only created the modern automobile industry which takes millions to work and back each workday, but he also created the weekend grilling and camping industries.

In 1951, the Ford Charcoal Briquette Company was sold. The new company was named after Ford’s real estate partner who helped him find the land to supply wood for building the early Ford automobiles- E.J. Kingsford.

Kingsford Charcoal is the largest producer of charcoal briquettes in the world.

Day Brightener – Grandfathers Are The Best!!

Grandpa

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?”            Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends.     Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.    He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.    “Not really, PaPa, it was boring.   We didn’t see a single asshole, piece of shit, horse’s ass, tree hugger, socialist left-wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!     We just drove around, and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.    I really didn’t have any fun.”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Day Brightener – Watch Your Language – A New Guide To Politically Correct Speech

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’ and/or ‘REDNECKS”. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

womanHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.’
  2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is   ‘HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE.’
  3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ -She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
  5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
  6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW-COST PROVIDER.’

ManHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
  2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
  3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
  4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
  5. He does not act like a   ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.‘ (Loved this one!)
  6. 6. It’s not his   ‘CRACK’   you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.‘ (Loved this one even more!)

Day Brightener – Not All Politically Correct But None The Less Funny

Political

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ 
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’


___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ 
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the Divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’ 
’That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ 
’Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ 
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’ 
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’ 
’Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
’How was he killed?’ asked one detective. 
’With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. 
’A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?’ 
’I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’ 
Joe: ‘Really?’ 
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 
’I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered. 
’What did he say,’ asked the nurse. 
’Oops!’ 
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. 
’What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ 
’Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ 
He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance… 
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’