Day Brightener – Heteronyms And The Intricacies Or Aubertites Of Our English Language

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy??  I think a retired English teacher was bored…THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end…………….. This took a lot of work to put together! 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.  

2) The farm was used to produce produce

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.   

4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 

5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out. 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.  

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.   

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.  

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it. 

14) The buck does  funny things when the does are present.   

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer  line. 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.  

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear  in the painting I shed a  tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?   

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? 

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. 

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick‘ rhyme with ‘quick‘? 

Day Brightener – Medical Exams … Actual Physician Experiences

Man comes into the ER and yells. .’My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’.  I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

During a patient’s two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’. I asked. ‘The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include: “Please remove the old patch before applying a new one.”
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’After a look of complete confusion, she answered.  ‘ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-  Corvallis, OR

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked. ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?'” It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it, there was a tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN no name

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. ‘No doctor but the song you were whistling was.  ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name

AND FINALLY!!
Baby’s First Doctor Visit.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,  waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,  asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. ‘Breast-fed,’ she replied. ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came

Friday Frivolity – Why I Like Retirement!

Question:        How many days in a week? 
Answer:         6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday 

Question:        When is a retiree’s bedtime? 
Answer:         Two hours after falling asleep on the couch. 

Question:        How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? 
Answer:    Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question:        What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer:         There is not enough time to get everything done. 

Question:        Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer:         The term comes with a 10% discount. 

Question:        Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer:         Tied shoes. 

Question:        Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer:         They are the only ones who have the time. 

Question:        What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:         NUTS! 

Question:        Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer:         They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. 

Question:        What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:         Normal.

Question:        What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer:         The never-ending Coffee Break. 

Question:        What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? 
Answer:         If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 

Question:        Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work but misses the people he used to work with? 
Answer:         He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And my very favorite…. 

Question:         What do you do all week? 
Answer:         Monday through Friday, NOTHING.  Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Day Brightener -Doo Wop Era Questionnaire And Answers

1 When did ”Little Suzie” finally wake up?
(a) The movie’s over, it’s 2 o’clock
(b) The movie’s over, it’s 3 o’clock
(c) The movie’s over, it’s 4 o’clock

2 ”Rock Around The Clock” was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones

3 What’s missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm

4 ”I found my thrill…’’ Where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill

5 ”Please turn on your magic beam _____ _____ bring me a dream,”
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
c) Dream Lover

6 For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7 He asked, ”Why’s everybody always pickin’  on me?” Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8 In Bobby Darin’s ”Mack The Knife,’‘ the one with the knife, was named:
(a) Mac Heath
(b) Mac Cloud
(c) McNamara

9 Name the song with ”A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.”
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ”Rock And Roll”?
(a)   Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka’s ”Puppy Love” is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Franci
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers were…..
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper’s real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called…
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ”Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb”. What  TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with ”Book Of Love”
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ”Till I ______ You.”
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Screwed
(d) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang ”Oh, ___________, why can’t you be true?”
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline

21. ”Wooly _______”
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. ”I’m like a one-eyed cat…..”
(a) can’t go into town no more
(b) sleepin’ on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin’ in a seafood store

23. ”Sometimes I wonder what I’m gonna do……..”
(a) cause there ain’t no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car’s gassed up and I’m ready to cruise

24. ”They often call me Speedo, but my real name is……”
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle

25. ”Be Bop A Lula ….”
(a) she’s got the rabies
(b) she’s my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe

26. ”Fine Love, Fine Kissing …..”
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you

27. ”He wore black denim trousers and…”
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots

28. ”I got a gal named……….”
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney

Answers:

Scroll Down so you aren’t tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).

* * * * * * * * * * * *

1 (c) The movie’s over, it’s 4 o’clock
2 (b) Blackboard Jungle
3 (a) Angel
4 (c) Blueberry Hill
5 (a) Mr. Sandman
6 (c) Sun
7 (b) Charlie Brown
8 (a) Mac Heath
9 (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin’ in a seafood store
23. (b) cause there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) she’s my baby
26. (a) right here
27. (c) motorcycle boots
28. (c) Boney Maroney

Send this to everyone lucky enough to be teenagers in the Doo Wop era…… or who wishes they had been

Day Brightener – A Golfer At Confession

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“Go on” says the priest. 

“I swore the other day” says the man. 

“Continue” says the priest. 

“I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway.”

“And this is when you swore?” asked the priest. 

“No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough,” continued the man. 

“This must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. 

“No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man. 

“Ahhh I see” says the priest “this must have been the point where you swore.” 

“Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole.” 

The priest pauses for a few seconds. “You missed f…..g the putt didn’t you?”