Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers:  If you do find one, what is your plan?

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

You know you are over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen.’

How did doctors conclude that exercise prolongs life, when…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and…the turtle that does not exercise at all lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

 I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.  He said, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”\

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people will not be offended.

The biggest joke on humankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that is the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.” 

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond, “CLOSE ENOUGH.”

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family.  They seem like good people.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means knowing someone who can drive at night.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

Some of my friends exercise every day.  Meanwhile I am watching a show I do not like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that do not want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version; it does not listen to anything.

I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad,’ and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what is inside.

Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.

The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we must stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It is true. I went for a run this morning and decided I am never going again.

 

 

 

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
 
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
 
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
 
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
 
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
 

Lemon Squeeze
 
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
 
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
 
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
 
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
 
 

Catholic Dog
 
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’
 
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
 
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
 
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
 

Donation
 
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
 
‘It is!’
 
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
 
‘I can!’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
 
‘I do!’
 
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
 
‘He is!’
 
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
 
‘He will.’
 
 

Confession
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
 
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
 
Man: ‘What sins?’
 
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
 
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
 
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
 
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old .. . . . I’m telling everybody!’
 
 

Brothel Trip
 
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
 
‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.
 
’90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’
 
‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’
 
 

Senility
 
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’
 
 

Pest Control
 
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
 
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
 
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
 
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
 ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
 
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
 
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
 
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘
 

Marriage Humor
  
Wife:        ‘What are you doing?’
 
Husband:    Nothing.

Wife:        ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband:   ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
 
—————————— –

Wife :       ‘Do you want dinner?’  

Husband:     ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
 
Wife:      ‘Yes or no.’      
 
————————————————-
Stress Reliever
 
Girl:     ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’  

Boy:     ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’  

Girl:     ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
______________________________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’  
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’  

———————————————–    

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’  

 
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
 
‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ,
 
‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
 
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week. Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
 
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

 

The point of living and being an optimist is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. 
Peter Ustinov

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. 
Colette

Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish. 
Chuck Palahniuk

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. 
Ethel Barrymore

The best servants of the people, like the best valets, must whisper unpleasant truths in the master’s ear. It is the court fool, not the foolish courtier, whom the king can least afford to lose. 
Walter Lippmann

The greatest fools are ofttimes more clever than the men who laugh at them. 
George R.R. Martin

If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I’m not frightened by anyone’s perception of me. 
Angelina Jolie

Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton. 
Dean Koontz

Our wisdom comes from our experience and our experience comes from our foolishness. 
Sacha Guitry

Until you’re ready to look foolish, you’ll never have the possibility of being great. 
Cher

If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid with regard to external things. Don’t wish to be thought to know anything. 
Epictetus

Stay hungry. Stay foolish. 
Steve Jobs

• How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the gray hares.
• What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards? A receding hare-line.
• Why is everyone so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a 31-day long March.
• What do you call a bunny with a bad memory? A hare-brain.
• How does the Easter Bunny stay fit? He does lots of hare-obics.
• My winter fat is gone; now I have spring rolls.
• Why don’t rabbits live very long? They’re on burrowed time.
• I was never into gardening, but this spring I started planting seeds and it grew on me.
• What kind of jewelry does the Easter Bunny wear? 14-carrot gold.
• “In the spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside 24 hours.” – Mark Twain
• “Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!'” – Robin Williams
• “March is the month God created t o show people who don’t drink what a hangover is like.” – Garrison Keillor
• “The secret of staying young is t o live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age = Lucille Ball

1

Stranger Than Fiction

Image: Gary Wayne Gilbert, CC BY-SA 2.0 

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”

—Tom Clancy

A world-acclaimed writer of many espionage novels and military thrillers, Tom Clancy offers us a humorous insight into the chaotic nature of reality and the difficulties of storytelling. Certainly, reality is always stranger than fiction!

2

Open Mind

Image: Myrmi, CC BY-SA 2.0 

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”

—Terry Pratchett

The late Terry Pratchett, the beloved author of the Discworld fantasy series, delivers here a witty remark typical of his irreverent writing style. An open mind is a gift, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be wary of what you let others put into it.

3

Theory of Stupidity

Image: ASSOCIATED PRESS, CC0 

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” 

—Albert Einstein

Besides being a Nobel laureate and renowned physicist, Albert Einstein was known for his characteristic dry humor and his sarcastic observations about the world. Human nature is paradoxical, we can solve the most complex problems, yet we never seem to completely free ourselves from the yoke of stupidity.

4

Blonde Jokes

Image: Union20 

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” 

—Dolly Parton

The iconic country music star playfully addresses stereotypes about blonde women in this witty retort. Though Parton has nothing to prove, she shows us with charm and flair that humor and self-awareness are always the best defense against insult and prejudice.

5

Getting a Loan

Image: mybody isatemple, CC BY-SA 4.0 

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

—Bob Hope

Legendary comedian Bob Hope offers a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the absurd quirks of bank logic. And surely… what good does a loan to the already rich do?

6

Man’s Best Friend

Image: Hometowns to Hollywood 

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” 

—Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx, the comedic genius behind the Marx Brothers, delivers here one of his hilarious yet absurd jokes. Humor can certainly be found in the most unexpected places, even inside the belly of an unsuspecting dog!

7

Fairy Tales vs. Reality

Image: McGill Library 

“Life isn’t a fairytale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.” 

—Darynda Jones

American novelist Darynda Jones offers a humorous twist on the classic Cinderella story by comparing it to reality. We would only like to add that if your Uber also looks like a pumpkin carriage, you might be better off just walking home.

8

Confidence

Image: Colin Smith, CC BY-SA 2.0 

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not quite sure.”

—Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper was a master of slapstick comedy and absurd humor, and this quote attributed to him encapsulates his personality perfectly. Jokes aside, having a good sense of humor can actually help indecisive people gain more confidence in themselves!

9

A Great Willpower

Image: Napoleon Sarony 

“I can resist everything except temptation.”

—Oscar Wilde

This famous quip of Oscar Wilde captures the essence of his playful yet thoughtful philosophy. Besides making you laugh, hopefully this quote can help lighten up a bit those moments when we feel like we aren’t living up to our expectations—like when you can’t help buying a ton of ice cream right after starting a new diet.

10

Growing Old

Image: Joe Kennedy, Los Angeles Times, CC BY 4.0 

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” 

—George Burns

Legendary comedian George Burns offers a humorous reflection on the passage of time with this amusing remark. Unfortunately, he might be right, as the Dead Sea is actually shrinking at a swift pace.