Day Brightener – Maxine Has Questions

I have questions…Maxine

  • Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
  • If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

Maxine

  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  • Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Maxine

  • Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  • Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
  • Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Maxine
  • Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  • Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  • How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:Maxine

  • The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..night!!!!

Day Brightener – Read This And You Too Will Know The Answer To One Of Life’s Great Mysteries

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.” 

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?” At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.  Then maybe a nap.

Friday Frivolity – Two Short Vignettes To Get The Weekend Going

Texas State trooperA Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was … a magician and juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.  A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way in Hell I can pass that test.”

two guysTwo Norwegians are drinking in a bar.  One says, “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aww, Shit,” says his friend, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !”

Day Brightener – What A Difference One Word Can Make!

The best story of year doesn’t give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Barbie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Hi, I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife; the word is sternum.”

Day Brightener – Great Mental Exercise For Us Aging Folks

"Sure, I can recommend some mental exercises. Try memorizing all the prescription drugs I have you on."

Great mental exercise for us aging folks.

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1.  Monica Lewinski

2.  Bill Clinton

3.  Hilary Clinton

4.  Adolph Hitler

5.  Jorge Bergoglio

6.  Joseph Stalin

7.  Vladimir Putin

8.  Linda Lovelace

9.  Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods 

You had trouble with #5? You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope?

A Little More Humor

fb_img_1453128485350

Day Brightener – Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss As How To Answer The Following Questions

(You can’t make up this stuff)

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence I see on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own family like this?!

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much and it’s gotten so bad, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Remember, these people stand in line with you to cast their votes…