Day Brightener – He Had It All, Now Homeless

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all.

I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,

I had a roof over my head,

I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs?  Alcohol? , Divorce? ”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no….I was paroled.

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Something Thought Provoking

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”

Any idea who made this statement? – Donald Trump? – No This was Thomas Jefferson – So this disposition is not new!

Further in the same item from June 14, 1807 “I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false.”

Funny, and we thought this was something new. The same sentiment 211 years apart.

Friday Frivolity – A Lesson, Especially For My Lawyer Friends

The madam opened the brothel door in Pittsburgh and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

“May I help you sir?”  she asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

“There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”.

“Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Erie.”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in Erie.”

“I know.” the man said.  “Your sister died, and I am her attorney.  She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

——

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

  1. Death
  2. Taxes; and
  3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Day Brightener – Something You May Not Know About Maxine

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in Leonia, N.J.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

Why the name ‘Maxine’? ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’. John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.

Day Brightener – Scotland Girl Goes To Texas

Prior to her trip to Texas, Carol, a blonde from Scotland, confided to her co-workers and friends she had three goals for her trip to Cowboy country;

  1. She wanted to taste some real western Bar-B-Que.
  2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo…
    And…
  3.  She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

‘Let me tell you, they have Texas beef to die for, and when they bar-b-q it, the taste is unbelievable!’

‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes… Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’

Then came the big question, ‘Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?’

‘Are you kidding? When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my mind!’

Day Brightener – How To Be 8 Again”! Oh Joy

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday. ‘I’d like to be eight again,’ she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then after breakfast he took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day!  He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster,  everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park.   Her head wasreeling and her stomach felt upside down.  He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.  What a fabulous adventure. Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed,exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you ass !!’

The moral of the story:  Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong !!!

Day Brightener – Thoughts – At Least Enlightening – On My Advancing Age

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.  A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?”    I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond. 

Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it ‘Pumping Rust.”

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company! 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, “An ambulance.’ 

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have  gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’  and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells ‘Theirs…

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Day Brightener – What An Interesting Turn Of Events In Pahrump, Nevada

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church……”was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer…. and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”

Friday Frivolity – Bet You Didn’t Know That Costco Provided This Service?

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,  “My elbow hurts like hell.  I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco.  Just give it a urine sample  and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.  It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.  He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.  He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:  “You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity….  It will improve in two weeks.  Thank you for shopping @ Costco!”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.  He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
  4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours.  Get a lawyer.
  5. If you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!!