Day Brightener – The Secret To A Conflict Free Marriage

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time,” he replied.

The local man said: “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”

“What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

“It’s true. We never fight.”

“PLEASE,” begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”

“Well,” said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one.’

“We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two.’

“Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’

“My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one.’

“And we haven’t had a fight since.”

Day Brightener – What Starts With F? Clean And Truly Funny

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what exactly is your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

 Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he would go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal:  ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry: ‘9.’ 

Principal: ‘What is 6  x 6?’

Harry: ’36.’

And so, it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘Y’know  I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade’

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, ‘Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.’

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’ 

Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’ The principal wondered why she would ask such a question! 

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’ 

Harry: ‘Pants.’ 

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard, and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’ Now the principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms.  Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Firetruck.’ 

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, ‘Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself…’

Day Brightener – Is Sex Work????

A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning-briefing to all his staff.

While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was ‘work’, and how much of it was pure ‘pleasure’?

A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favor of ‘work’.

A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.

A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favor of ‘pleasure’, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the Newbie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Newbie responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure Sir.”

The N.C.O… was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said “And why is that soldier”?

“Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them Sir!”.

Day Brightener – Obviously The Husband Did Not See This Coming

Woman at DoorA woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispered to the wife, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the lady. The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

Day Brightener – The Middle Wife, A Must Read

Who shall we choose?

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd-grade teacher – In case you need something to make you smile today! 

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids. myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. They’re welcome if they want to lug it into school and talk about it.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing, kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’

Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of

toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

Now you have two choices…laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy! “Laugh uncontrollably, it clears the mind.”