Day Brightener – The 5 Answers You Have All Been Waiting For!

Q: WHAT IS AN  AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It’s the same as a  French kiss, but ‘down  under..’

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH  365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make  a tire, and call it a  Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES  NORMALLY NAMED AFTER  WOMEN?
A: Because when they  arrive, they’re wild and wet, and when they go, they take your  house and car with  them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB  THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE  MORNING?
A: Because they don’t  have any balls to  scratch.

BONUS QUESTIONS &  ANSWERS

Q: What is a man’s Ultimate  embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall  with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the  world’s best short joke:
A 3-year-old boy  examined his testicles while taking a bath.’Mom’, he asked, ‘Are  these my brains?’ ‘Not yet,’ she  replied.

Day Brightener – It Usually Pays To Put Brain In Gear Before Putting Mouth In Motion

Here are five reasons why everybody, but in these cases a woman, should think before they speak. The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back. Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn’t say a word. He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘ No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said No!… I kept thinking Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn’t that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who Needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so think before you speak!!!

Day Brightener – The World We Live In!

 “Hello! Gordon’s pizza?”
“No sir it’s Google’s pizza.”
“So it’s a wrong number? Sorry”
“No sir, Google bought it.”
“OK. Take my order please”
“Well sir, you want the usual?”
“The usual? You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.”
“OK! This is it …”
“May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?”
” What? I hate vegetables.”
“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
“How do you know?”
“We crossed the number of your fixed landline with your name, through the subscribers guide.”
“We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”
“Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine …”
“Excuse me, but you have not taken the  medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.”
“I bought more from another drugstore.”
“It’s not showing on your credit card statement.”
“I paid in cash.”
“But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement”
“I have have other source of cash.”
“This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.”
“WHAT ? ? ? !!”
“I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.”
“Enough! I’m sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me.”
“I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago.”

Day Brightener – Two Wood Peckers Debate Which Country Has The Hardest Trees

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

Bonus Day Brightener – Dysfunction Anyone?

I was listening to Bill Bennett this morning and he came up with what I think is a great line.

An irishman is walking down the street and sees two men fighting. He walks up and asks – “is this private fight or can anybody join”.

Kinda sounds like what is going on in Washington today – pick your side.

Day Brightener – Stunning Senior Moment

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

‘You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,’ the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. ‘The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon  and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, …and,’pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, ‘You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young… so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation ?’

The applause was resounding…

I love senior citizens

Day Brightener – A Twofer – Two Cab Driver Stories

taxi.JPGA passenger in a taxi reached forward and gently tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, nearly veered into the ditch and came to a stop just short of a building.

The shaking driver said are you OK? I am so sorry, you scared the daylights out of me.

The badly shaken passenger said “I’m sorry, I did not realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone that much.

The driver said “No No it is me that is sorry. It is entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I spent 25 years driving a hearse.

CabA cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that; 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Day Brightener – OMG! I Need A Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasn’t perfect they got along very well.

One day he rushed to the solicitor’s and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home😊

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?😳

It made of concrete😊

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?😔

No, we have a carport and not need one😊

I mean what are your relations like?😣

All my relations are in Poland😒

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?😨

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player😋

Does your wife beat you up?😨

No I always up before her😝

Is your wife a nagger?😱

No she white 😞

Why do you want this divorce?😱

She going to kill me 👹

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She is going to poison me.

She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it says:

POLISH REMOVER!!!!!