Day Brightener – They Walk Among Us And Are Now Traveling Unsupervised!!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS

  1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
  2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
  3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
  4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We ass/u/me/d it would be included in the price.”
  5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
  6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
  7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
  8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
  9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
  10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
  11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun”
  12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
  13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
  14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
  15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
  16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
  17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
  18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
  19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

BEWARE …THEY WALK AMONG US and…THEY VOTE!

 

Day Brightener – What Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted..

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And Finally, Confucius Did Not Say. . … 
“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

Day Brightener – A Different Take On The Classic Tortise And Hare Story

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along @ 497 mph @ 33000ft when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state-of-the-art radio that is part of his state-of-the-art 3D & million-dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling at almost sea level.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777-pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 497 mph, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777-pilot chuckled and said, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five-star hotel paid for by the company”

LESSON OF LIFE:

When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!  When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!

It’s called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends approaching or enjoying S.O.S.

…”Don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.”…

Day Brightener – Out Of The Mouths Of Babes – Marriage And Dating Written By Kids

1. How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to  marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. — Kristen, age 10

2 . What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10

3 . How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

4 . What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

5 . What Do Most People Do On A Date?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10

6 . When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they’re rich. –  Pam, age 7 (Love her)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

7 . Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9  (bless you child )

8 . How Would The World Be Different If People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

And the #1Favorite is…….

9 . How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.–  Ricky, age 9

Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Get Your Day Going

AlligatorFlorida Woman Stops Gator Attack with Small Caliber Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.  What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?  A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

“She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.  The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

“It’s one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus the amount I saved in lawyer fees was incredible.”

Irish PubIrish – Be Careful What You Say in a Pub .

I was at the local pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Gaelic, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Ireland ?”

And that’s the last thing I remember!

Day Brightener – How Men Think And A Prediction

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives women a present of $5,000 and watches to 
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because 
she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs. 

Men are like that, you know.

And on another 
note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Friday Frivolity – A Man’s Age Determined By His Trip To Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

In your 50s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms’.

In your 60s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

In your 70s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Walmart instead

You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond

What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?

Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Day Brightener – Men vs. Women – This Probably Explains It All

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’ He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’ Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me..’ So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Day Brightener – Here’s Another Trick of Doctor Dementia To Test Your Skills

brainCan you meet this challenge?

We’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time we’ve seen it with numbers.  Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.  And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

7H15                    M3554G3

53RV35          7O      PR0V3

H0W         0UR      M1ND5      C4N

D0         4M4Z1NG       7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3            7H1NG5!

1N        7H3       B3G1NN1NG

17        WA5      H4RD      BU7

N0W,       0N    7H15       LIN3

Y0UR         M1ND      1S

R34D1NG 17         4U70M471C4LLY

W17H0U7            3V3N

7H1NK1NG      4B0U7     17,

B3      PROUD!        0NLY

C3R741N          P30PL3     C4N

R3AD           7H15!

PL3453         F0RW4RD     1F

U      C4N      R34D      7H15.

To my ‘selected’ strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with ‘yes’ in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.  The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm.  This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.  Azanmig huh?  Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!  If you can raed this forwrad it.

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT..

Day Brightener – 25 Words That Are Their Own Opposites

Here’s an ambiguous sentence for you: “Because of the agency’s oversight, the corporation’s behavior was sanctioned.” Does that mean, “Because the agency oversaw the company’s behavior, they imposed a penalty for some transgression,” or does it mean, “Because the agency was inattentive, they overlooked the misbehavior and gave it their approval by default”? We’ve stumbled into the looking-glass world of contronyms—words that are their own antonyms.

1. Sanction (via French, from Latin sanctio(n-), from sancire‘ratify,’) can mean “give official permission or approval for (an action)” or conversely, “impose a penalty on.”

2. Oversight is the noun form of two verbs with contrary meanings, “oversee” and “overlook.” Oversee, from Old English ofersēon (“look at from above”) means “supervise” (medieval Latin for the same thing: super-, “over” plus videre, “to see.”) Overlook usually means the opposite: “to fail to see or observe; to pass over without noticing; to disregard, ignore.”

3. Left can mean either remaining or departed. If the gentlemen have withdrawn to the drawing room for after-dinner cigars, who’s left? (The gentlemen have left and the ladies are left.)

4. Dust, along with the next two words, is a noun turned into a verb meaning either to add or to remove the thing in question. Only the context will tell you which it is. When you dust are you applying dust or removing it? It depends whether you’re dusting the crops or the furniture.

5. Seed can also go either way. If you seed the lawn you add seeds, but if you seed a tomato you remove them.

6. Stone is another verb to use with caution. You can stone some peaches, but please don’t stone your neighbor (even if he says he likes to get stoned).

7. Trim as a verb predates the noun, but it can also mean either adding or taking away. Arising from an Old English word meaning “to make firm or strong; to settle, arrange,” trim came to mean “to prepare, make ready.” Depending on who or what was being readied, it could mean either of two contradictory things: “to decorate something with ribbons, laces, or the like to give it a finished appearance” or “to cut off the outgrowths or irregularities of.” And the context doesn’t always make it clear. If you’re trimming the tree are you using tinsel or a chain saw?

8. Cleave can be cleaved into two homographs, words with different origins that end up spelled the same. Cleave, meaning “to cling to or adhere,” comes from an Old English word that took the forms cleofian, clifian, or clīfan. Cleave, with the contrary meaning “to split or sever (something)”—as you might do with a cleaver—comes from a different Old English word, clēofan. The past participle has taken various forms: cloven, which survives in the phrase “cloven hoof,” “cleft,” as in a “cleft palate” or “cleaved.”

9. Resign works as a contronym in writing. This time we have homographs, but not homophones. Resign, meaning “to quit,” is spelled the same as resign, meaning “to sign up again,” but it’s pronounced differently.

10. Fast can mean “moving rapidly,” as in running fast, or “fixed, unmoving,” as in holding fast. If colors are fast they will not run. The meaning “firm, steadfast” came first; the adverb took on the sense “strongly, vigorously,” which evolved into “quickly,” a meaning that spread to the adjective.

11. Off means “deactivated,” as in to turn off, but also “activated,” as in the alarm went off.

12. Weather can mean “to withstand or come safely through” (as in the company weathered the recession) or it can mean “to be worn away” (the rock was weathered).

13. Screen can mean to show (a movie) or to hide (an unsightly view).

14. Help means “assist,” unless you can’t help doing something, when it means “prevent.”

15. Clip can mean “to bind together” or “to separate.” You clip sheets of paper to together or separate part of a page by clipping something out. Clip is a pair of homographs, words with different origins spelled the same. Old English clyppan, which means “to clasp with the arms, embrace, hug,” led to our current meaning, “to hold together with a clasp.” The other clip, “to cut or snip (a part) away,” is from Old Norse klippa, which may come from the sound of a shears.

16. Continue usually means to persist in doing something, but as a legal term it means stop a proceeding temporarily.

17. Fight with can be interpreted three ways. “He fought with his mother-in-law” could mean “They argued,” “They served together in the war,” or “He used the old battle-ax as a weapon.” (Thanks to linguistics professor Robert Hertz for this idea.)

18. Flog, meaning “to punish by caning or whipping,” shows up in school slang of the 17th century, but now it can have the contrary meaning, “to promote persistently,” as in “flogging a new book.” Perhaps that meaning arose from the sense “to urge (a horse, etc.) forward by whipping,” which grew out of the earliest meaning.

19. Go means “to proceed,” but also “give out or fail,” i.e., “This car could really go until it started to go.”

20. Hold up can mean “to support” or “to hinder”: “What a friend! When I’m struggling to get on my feet, he’s always there to hold me up.”

21. Out can mean “visible” or “invisible.” For example, “It’s a good thing the full moon was out when the lights went out.”

22. Out of means “outside” or “inside”: “I hardly get out of the house because I work out of my home.”

23. B**ch can derisively refer to a woman who is considered overly aggressive or domineering, or it can refer to someone passive or submissive.

24. Peer is a person of equal status (as in a jury of one’s peers), but some peers are more equal than others, like the members of the peerage, the British or Irish nobility.

25. Toss out could be either “to suggest” or “to discard”: “I decided to toss out the idea.”

The contronym (also spelled “contranym”) goes by many names, including auto-antonym, antagonym, enantiodrome, self-antonym, antilogy and Janus word (from the Roman god of beginnings and endings, often depicted with two faces looking in opposite directions). Can’t get enough of them? The folks at Daily Writing Tips have rounded up even more.