Day Brightener – A More Detailed Discussion Of The Rules Of Golf

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Corollary: A 250-yard drive counts the same as a 24-inch missed putt.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The six stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.

Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.

It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backwards.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the people watching.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence completely evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dog-leg to the right.

The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right for right handed golfers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par except Tiger Woods.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far the shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn that fact.

Day Brightener – Swanky Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make forhis behavior .

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

“Did you dance much?” “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.

Day Brightener – The Difference Between Potentially And Realistically

Father sonA young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’ The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’ The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ ‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and someone who is gay.

Day Brightener – Certain Words Have More Than One Meaning

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her..

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you.

I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I take a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that’s going to be a problem for us, you might want to say so now!”

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.

“Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball”

Day Brightener – Some Sophisticated Observations Offered By Our Sports Heroes

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said : “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play”– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”– Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver.

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”– Doug Sanders, professional golfer

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'”– Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”– Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”– Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”– EJ. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” – Vic Braden, tennis instructor

“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax’s.”- Tommy John , N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”– Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles.

“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” – John Breen, Houston Oilers

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons.

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” – Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

Friday Frivolity – Deep Thoughts And Deductive Reasoning In Retirement

I mowed the lawn today. Then I sat down, took a break and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the suds inspired me to some deep thinking.

My wife came outside for a moment and asked what I was doing. “Nothing,” I answered.

She then said, “That’s what you did yesterday” to which I replied, “I wasn’t done.”

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”

At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics. Had I said that, it would have led to other questions.

Alone again, I pondered an age-old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. But how would they know?

Well, after another ice-cold beer and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the final answer to that question.

I am now certain that getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby.

This is the reason I reached that conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a young woman will often say: “It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, I bet you never heard a guy say: “You know, I think I would like to get kicked in the nuts.”

Time for another beer and then maybe a nap.

Day Brightener – Watch Your Language – A New Guide To Politically Correct Speech

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’ and/or ‘REDNECKS”. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

womanHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.’
  2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is   ‘HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE.’
  3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ -She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’
  4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
  5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
  6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW-COST PROVIDER.’

ManHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
  2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
  3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
  4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
  5. He does not act like a   ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’ (Loved this one!)
  6. 6. It’s not his   ‘CRACK’   you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.’ (Loved this one even more!)