Day Brightener – The Ballad Of The Golden Screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a gold screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was really tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled! The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid gold screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: “Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — you could lose your ass”.

Commentary- A Couple Of Days In The Life Of My iPhone

About a week ago , I thought that my iPhone X was bent in that it appeared higher in the middle. A quick trip to the Verizon store and they reminded me that the iPhone X has a glass back and does not bend. They checked and determined that the battery was swelling and that is not good. As I did not have a Verizon insurance plan my options at Verizon were not that good. Pay the remaining balance on my existing phone, not that much, and purchase a new iPhone XS and start a new 2-year plan. I declined, left the store and called Apple.

The Apple technician deduced that my battery had to be replaced and the cost would be $69.00. I could do a mail in repair, same cost plus delivery charges, or take in to an Apple Store or authorized service center. As I did not want to be without a phone for a few days, I opted for the other option. From here in Alexandria Minnesota the nearest Apple Store is at the Ridgedale Center In Minnetonka – a 120 miles away. In a recent announcement from Apple, the Best Buy Store in St. Cloud, along with another 1,000 Best Buy locations, is now an authorized Apple service center and only 70 miles away which sounded like a better option. A call to the Geek Squad at the store poured cold water on that option. He said they had little experience and his take was that what the Apple Store could do in 30 minutes could well take them a couple of hours. Plus, he said, if there was more than just a battery replacement the Apple Store would have more capabilities. (Turned out he was quite right.) Logon to Apple.com and make a Genius Bar appointment at the Apple Store in Minnetonka for the next day.

I arrive at the Apple Store a little early but they work me in in about 30 minutes. The technician asks about the problem, looks at my phone, did a little testing and says they will replace the phone at no cost. He literally had ordered up the replacement phone before he told me the phone would be replaced as it arrived at about the same time. Turns out, they do not replace batteries when they expand, only when they are depleted. The phone is built to contain leaking issues and when there are issues with swelled or expanded batteries that might put their technicians at risk, they do not open the the phone to replace the battery. So in short order I walked out of the store with a new iPhone X.

So, once again, Apple proved to me why I love them and their products. By-the-way, this phone was 20 months old. In very rapid succession, I went from an expensive solution, through a minor expense to a top-notch no cost resolution. One could certainly wonder why the staff at the Verizon store did not mention either the Apple battery or phone replacement possibilities. Maybe not in their best interests or they just didn’t know?

Day Brightener – Two Great Minds

My wife has these days when she wants “us to talk about things”. We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her   “What will you do if I die before you do?”

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, “What will you do if I die first?”

I replied, “Probably the same thing.”

Friday Frivolity – How to Diagnose a Patient

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house, a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick.” As they left, the younger doctor remarked, “You didn’t even examine that woman!” and then asked, “How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick.” The younger doctor replied, “Pretty clever! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”  “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church.” Then he asked, “But how did you arrive at it?” “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

Day Brightener – If My Body Were A Car

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…

But that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.  My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,  either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires !

Day Brightener – Another “I’m Older Than Dirt” Retrospective

Older CarMEMORIES

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

  • Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
  • Ignition switches on the dashboard.
  • Starter on the floorboard.
  • Only one brake light on the left rear.
  • Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
  • Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
  • Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

  1. Candy cigarettes.
  2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
  3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
  4. Party lines on the telephones
  5. Newsreels before the movie
  6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels. If you had a TV!!
  7. Pea-shooters
  8. Howdy Doody
  9. 45 RPM records
  10. 8 rpm records
  11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
  12. Metal ice trays with lever
  13. Blue flashbulb
  14. Cork popguns
  15. Studebakers
  16. Wash tub wringers
  17. Little wax bottles with sweet liquid
  18. Aluminum foil on the rabbit ears.

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16     =     You’re older than dirt!!!     THAT’S ME!!!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life .
Don’t forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends

Day Brightener – Getting Older – Hilarious And All Too True

dentistHave you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well . . . You’ll love this one:

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50 years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.

‘Yes. Yes, i did. I’m a mustang,’ he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?’ I asked.

He answered, ‘in 1965. Why do you ask?’

You were in my class! ‘, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit  son-of-a-bitch asked…..’what did you teach???

 

Day Brightener – Ten Questions And Exceptional Answers

WHY
Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?

BECAUSE
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

WHY
Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?

BECAUSE
This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ — and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’

WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?

BECAUSE
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘the egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’

WHY
Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUSE
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

WHY
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?

BECAUSE
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.

WHY
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

BECAUSE
It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.

WHY
Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?

BECAUSE
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theaters by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the center of attention.

WHY
Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?

BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

WHY
In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?

BECAUSE
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.’

WHY
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?

BECAUSE
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Day Brightener – New Senior’s Exam

You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1)  How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which  country makes Panama hats?

3)  From which animal do we get cat gut?

4)  In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5)  What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6)  The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after  what animal?

7)  What was King George VI’s first name?

8)  What colour is a purple finch?

9)  Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10)  What is the colour of the black box in a commercial  airplane?

Remember,  you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below  ….

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1)  How long did the Hundred Years War last?  116 years

2)  Which country makes Panama hats?  Ecuador

3)  From which animal do we get cat gut?  Sheep and Horses

4)  In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?  November

5)  What is a camel’s hair brush made of?  Squirrel fur

6)  The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what  animal?  Dogs

7)  What was King George VI’s first name?  Albert

8  ) What colour is a purple finch?  Crimson

9)  Where are Chinese gooseberries from?  New Zealand

10)  What is the color of the black box in a commercial  airplane?  Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too!,(And  if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

Pass  this on to all your brilliant  friends.