Day Brightener – Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

Day Brightener – Questions That Haunt Me!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE………

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Day Brightener – Honeymoon Train Trip To Florida

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends

Giovanni said, “Hey   Luigi, how wasa da treep?

 Luigi said, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.

“Whatayou mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni

“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia,  she pack a biga basketa food.  She bringa  da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket

The conductor come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino

Conductor walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductor, he waga is finger again and say, ‘No a smokin in dis car. Must go to a smokin car

“We go to a smoking a car and I smoke a my biga cigar.  Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car and a go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductor, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice

‘Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!

“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna taka da bus.”

 

Day Brightener – Repairing The Damage From A Hunting Accident

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods.  He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle , I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.     

 “What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle. “The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.  I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.”   “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle . “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.  And because all you have is Obamacare,  she’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t pee in your eye.”

Day Brightener – Just Try Reading This Without Laughing Until You Cry!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

taserA guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

  • a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
  • a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
  • a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
  • Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!  A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Friday Frivolity – The Irish Divorce

A man in Ireland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.

“Dad, what are you talking about?'” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says.  “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New York and tell her”.

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell, they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.

She calls Ireland immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there   tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.

Day Brightener – Three Nuns After A Fatal Accident

Three nuns are driving back from a food kitchen late at night.  Out of the darkness a truck runs a red light and t-bones them.  All three are killed instantly and awaken to find themselves standing outside of the Pearly Gates, facing St Peter.

St Peter steps forward and says “sisters, admission to heaven is no longer automatic, even when good Catholics like yourselves have dedicated themselves to the Church. We now have a 1 question religious test.  Get the answer right and you can enter.  Get itwrong and you will have to wait the equivalent of 100 years to try again”.

The nuns were naturally excited as they knew they had spent their lives living by the Bible and could answer any religious question St Peter might have.

To the first nun St Peter asked “Who took all of the animals 2 by 2 on the Ark and saved them from the Great Flood”.  She replied “Noah”.  Immediately the gates of Heaven opened up and she floated inside.

St Peter then asked the second nun, “What did the 3 Wise Men follow to find the newborn Christ child”.  She replied, “A shining star”.  Once again, the gates of Heaven opened up and she floated inside.

St Peter then turned to the third nun and asked, “Sister, what were Eve’s first words to Adam in the Garden of Eden?”  The nun thought for a minute, then another minute, and still struggled to find the answer.  Finally, she blurted out “Wow, that’s a hard one!”

Immediately the gates of Heaven opened, and she went inside.

Day Brightener – Some Humorous Perspectives As We Grow Older

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are not sure these are jokes?

Day Brightener – The Value Of A #2 Pencil

Carol was not the best student in Catholic School.  Usually she slept through class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping in class. “Tell me, Carol, who created the universe?”  When Carol didn’t stir, but little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Carol.

The Nun said, “Very good!” and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Carol, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Carol didn’t stir from her slumber.  Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. “Jesus Christ !!!” shouted Carol. And the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Carol fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question:  “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” Again, Johnny came to the rescue.  This time Carol jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The nun fainted

That’s the value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil