Day Brightener – The Difference Between Potentially And Realistically

Father sonA young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’ The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’ The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’ ‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and someone who is gay.

Day Brightener – Certain Words Have More Than One Meaning

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her..

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you.

I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I take a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that’s going to be a problem for us, you might want to say so now!”

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.

“Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball”

Day Brightener – Some Sophisticated Observations Offered By Our Sports Heroes

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said : “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play”– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”– Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver.

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”– Doug Sanders, professional golfer

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'”– Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”– Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”– Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”– EJ. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” – Vic Braden, tennis instructor

“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax’s.”- Tommy John , N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”– Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles.

“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” – John Breen, Houston Oilers

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons.

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” – Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

Friday Frivolity – Deep Thoughts And Deductive Reasoning In Retirement

I mowed the lawn today. Then I sat down, took a break and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the suds inspired me to some deep thinking.

My wife came outside for a moment and asked what I was doing. “Nothing,” I answered.

She then said, “That’s what you did yesterday” to which I replied, “I wasn’t done.”

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”

At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics. Had I said that, it would have led to other questions.

Alone again, I pondered an age-old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. But how would they know?

Well, after another ice-cold beer and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the final answer to that question.

I am now certain that getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby.

This is the reason I reached that conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a young woman will often say: “It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, I bet you never heard a guy say: “You know, I think I would like to get kicked in the nuts.”

Time for another beer and then maybe a nap.

Day Brightener – Watch Your Language – A New Guide To Politically Correct Speech

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’ and/or ‘REDNECKS”. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

womanHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.’
  2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is   ‘HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE.’
  3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ -She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’
  4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
  5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
  6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW-COST PROVIDER.’

ManHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
  2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
  3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
  4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
  5. He does not act like a   ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’ (Loved this one!)
  6. 6. It’s not his   ‘CRACK’   you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.’ (Loved this one even more!)

Bonus Day Brightener – The Blonde Flight Attendant

The blonde flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One…”

Day Brightener – Money Isn’t Everything?

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.  He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.  Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its’ ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.  The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally, the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet..

How about half a million bucks then?’

‘No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again, Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’