Day Brightener – New Birthing Experience

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were in favor of it

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Day Brightener – Bob The Cowboy And The Yuppie

A cowboy named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bob.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bob says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Member of Parliament for Justin Trudeau’s Government”, says Bob.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know beans about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

 

 

Day Brightener – What Is Life After Retirement!

My Retirement is Not Going as Well as I Had Planned.  I’ve been affected by the financial situation which we are all going through.   I am struggling hard to keep going.

I only buy rotting cheese…

And dry meat…

I drink old wines…

My car has no roof…

My bathtub is outside…

And my friend has almost nothing to wear…

But here I am, still coping and struggling. I’m trying my best to endure. I hope things will improve in 2019.

Day Brightener – Happenings At The Ranch

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before; and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.

Friday Frivolity – Things To Ponder

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need … not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Day Brightener – Cold Is A Relative Thing Don’t Ya Know…

thermometer with high temperature on a white background

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.

At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.

At 50, Italian & English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..

At 40, South Carolinians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.

At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can’t start the snowmobile.

At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying…”Cold enough for ya, eh?”

At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

Bonus Day Brightener – Let’s Take A Look At One-Trillion Dollars

We hear our politicians bandy about the number one-trillion dollars like it is no big deal. Well, here is something that puts one-trillion dollars in a more understandable format.

  1,000,000,000,000
                            60 Seconds / Minute
       16,666,666,667 Minutes
                            60 Minutes in a Hour
            277,777,778 Hours
                            24 Hours in a Day
              11,574,074 Days
                     365.25 Days in a Year
                     31,688 Years in a Trillion Seconds

To put that in a little more perspective, 31,688 years ago Neanderthals walked on the earth!

Day Brightener – Dr. Goldberg Goes Home!

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper aconference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.  As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her.

He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?”

Dr. Goldberg replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”

“Haven’t you visited since?” asked the desk clerk.

“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Goldberg replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”

The clerk asked, “Was it a long time ago?”

Dr. Goldberg replied, “Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?”