A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
 
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
 
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
 
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
 
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
 

Lemon Squeeze
 
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
 
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
 
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
 
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
 
 

Catholic Dog
 
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’
 
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
 
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
 
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
 

Donation
 
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
 
‘It is!’
 
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
 
‘I can!’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
 
‘I do!’
 
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
 
‘He is!’
 
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
 
‘He will.’
 
 

Confession
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
 
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
 
Man: ‘What sins?’
 
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
 
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
 
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
 
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old .. . . . I’m telling everybody!’
 
 

Brothel Trip
 
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
 
‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.
 
’90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’
 
‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’
 
 

Senility
 
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’
 
 

Pest Control
 
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
 
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
 
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
 
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
 ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
 
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
 
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
 
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘
 

Marriage Humor
  
Wife:        ‘What are you doing?’
 
Husband:    Nothing.

Wife:        ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband:   ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
 
—————————— –

Wife :       ‘Do you want dinner?’  

Husband:     ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
 
Wife:      ‘Yes or no.’      
 
————————————————-
Stress Reliever
 
Girl:     ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’  

Boy:     ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’  

Girl:     ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
______________________________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’  
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’  

———————————————–    

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’  

 
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
 
‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ,
 
‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
 
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week. Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
 
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

 

The point of living and being an optimist is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. 
Peter Ustinov

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. 
Colette

Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish. 
Chuck Palahniuk

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. 
Ethel Barrymore

The best servants of the people, like the best valets, must whisper unpleasant truths in the master’s ear. It is the court fool, not the foolish courtier, whom the king can least afford to lose. 
Walter Lippmann

The greatest fools are ofttimes more clever than the men who laugh at them. 
George R.R. Martin

If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I’m not frightened by anyone’s perception of me. 
Angelina Jolie

Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton. 
Dean Koontz

Our wisdom comes from our experience and our experience comes from our foolishness. 
Sacha Guitry

Until you’re ready to look foolish, you’ll never have the possibility of being great. 
Cher

If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid with regard to external things. Don’t wish to be thought to know anything. 
Epictetus

Stay hungry. Stay foolish. 
Steve Jobs

• How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the gray hares.
• What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards? A receding hare-line.
• Why is everyone so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a 31-day long March.
• What do you call a bunny with a bad memory? A hare-brain.
• How does the Easter Bunny stay fit? He does lots of hare-obics.
• My winter fat is gone; now I have spring rolls.
• Why don’t rabbits live very long? They’re on burrowed time.
• I was never into gardening, but this spring I started planting seeds and it grew on me.
• What kind of jewelry does the Easter Bunny wear? 14-carrot gold.
• “In the spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside 24 hours.” – Mark Twain
• “Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!'” – Robin Williams
• “March is the month God created t o show people who don’t drink what a hangover is like.” – Garrison Keillor
• “The secret of staying young is t o live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age = Lucille Ball

1

Stranger Than Fiction

Image: Gary Wayne Gilbert, CC BY-SA 2.0 

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”

—Tom Clancy

A world-acclaimed writer of many espionage novels and military thrillers, Tom Clancy offers us a humorous insight into the chaotic nature of reality and the difficulties of storytelling. Certainly, reality is always stranger than fiction!

2

Open Mind

Image: Myrmi, CC BY-SA 2.0 

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”

—Terry Pratchett

The late Terry Pratchett, the beloved author of the Discworld fantasy series, delivers here a witty remark typical of his irreverent writing style. An open mind is a gift, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be wary of what you let others put into it.

3

Theory of Stupidity

Image: ASSOCIATED PRESS, CC0 

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” 

—Albert Einstein

Besides being a Nobel laureate and renowned physicist, Albert Einstein was known for his characteristic dry humor and his sarcastic observations about the world. Human nature is paradoxical, we can solve the most complex problems, yet we never seem to completely free ourselves from the yoke of stupidity.

4

Blonde Jokes

Image: Union20 

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” 

—Dolly Parton

The iconic country music star playfully addresses stereotypes about blonde women in this witty retort. Though Parton has nothing to prove, she shows us with charm and flair that humor and self-awareness are always the best defense against insult and prejudice.

5

Getting a Loan

Image: mybody isatemple, CC BY-SA 4.0 

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

—Bob Hope

Legendary comedian Bob Hope offers a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the absurd quirks of bank logic. And surely… what good does a loan to the already rich do?

6

Man’s Best Friend

Image: Hometowns to Hollywood 

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” 

—Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx, the comedic genius behind the Marx Brothers, delivers here one of his hilarious yet absurd jokes. Humor can certainly be found in the most unexpected places, even inside the belly of an unsuspecting dog!

7

Fairy Tales vs. Reality

Image: McGill Library 

“Life isn’t a fairytale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.” 

—Darynda Jones

American novelist Darynda Jones offers a humorous twist on the classic Cinderella story by comparing it to reality. We would only like to add that if your Uber also looks like a pumpkin carriage, you might be better off just walking home.

8

Confidence

Image: Colin Smith, CC BY-SA 2.0 

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not quite sure.”

—Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper was a master of slapstick comedy and absurd humor, and this quote attributed to him encapsulates his personality perfectly. Jokes aside, having a good sense of humor can actually help indecisive people gain more confidence in themselves!

9

A Great Willpower

Image: Napoleon Sarony 

“I can resist everything except temptation.”

—Oscar Wilde

This famous quip of Oscar Wilde captures the essence of his playful yet thoughtful philosophy. Besides making you laugh, hopefully this quote can help lighten up a bit those moments when we feel like we aren’t living up to our expectations—like when you can’t help buying a ton of ice cream right after starting a new diet.

10

Growing Old

Image: Joe Kennedy, Los Angeles Times, CC BY 4.0 

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” 

—George Burns

Legendary comedian George Burns offers a humorous reflection on the passage of time with this amusing remark. Unfortunately, he might be right, as the Dead Sea is actually shrinking at a swift pace.

Not everyone was born to cook. I personally was born to hold conversations with someone who is cooking. Know your strengths.

So, what if I do not know what apocalypse means. It is not the end of the world.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Could not concentrate.

I have a fear of speed bumps. I am slowly getting over it.

I could not figure out how the seatbelt worked. Then it clicked.

A Latino magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “Uno, dos…” *Poof*…He disappears without a tres.

So three golf clubs walk into a bar…
The putter says,” I’ll have a shot of vodka.”
The wedge says,” I’ll have a glass of wine.”
And the last one says, “Nothing for me. I am the driver.”

What is the difference between Black eyed Peas and Chickpeas. Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song Chickpeas can hummus one. 

It doesn’t matter how old you are. Buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised ten-year-old was given $100.00.

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly, she is not your friend anymore.

A lawyer who just underwent surgery emerges from anesthesia and notices that the room is dark.
“Nurse why are all the blinds drawn?”
The nurse says,” There’s a big fire across the street and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.” 

Bouncer: I am going to have to ask you to leave.
Me: Why?
Bouncer: I have no idea who you are, and this is my trampoline.

Truth tellers: small children, drunk people, and yoga pants.

There should be a calorie refund for things that do not taste as good as you expected.

I do not think it is fair that only roosters are allowed to start their day screaming.

I did not mean to push all your buttons. I was just trying to hit MUTE. 

 

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. 

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a workstation.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

Finally:

27. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was Concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over toHug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward He stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a Damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’

‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.

‘Your Honour,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92,if he could screw, he could fly.’

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us rea li ses the long-term harm caused by the germ s  in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.’

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every  word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’

Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’

‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’

A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!

Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you are broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you must touch it to check? 

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you try to catch something that is falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

And A FAVORITE:

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK… (then it’s you)!