Day Brightener – The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:   Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?’

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down, so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,  killed four more with the knife,  till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher.

‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Day Brightener – Random Thoughts, Thanks, I Needed this Today

Respect your elders. They graduated from school without the internet.

I’ve decided I’m not old, I’m 45 — plus shipping and handling.

Why do i have to press “1” for English? Did America move?

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!

I look at people and sometimes think “really? — that’s the sperm that won?”

In my defense i was left unsupervised.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

Some things are just better left unsaid — and i usually realize it right after i say them.

We owe illegals nothing — we owe our veterans everything.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

I thought getting old would take longer.

A wise man once said ……… Nothing.

Day Brightener – Red Skelton’s Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
  2. We also sleep-in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So, I suggested the kitchen.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.  She said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So, I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
  8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.
  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”.
  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.
  12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don’t like to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”.

Day Brightener – Random Questions?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Day Brightener – Follow An Every Decade Reunion

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. 

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

“Where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Again?  Why?”

“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”

“OK.”

At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”

“OK.”

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”

“Good choice”

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”

“Great choice.”

At age 82 they meet and play again.  “Where should we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Because we’ve never been there before.”

“Okay, let’s give it a try.”  

Day Brightener – How To Start Your Day With Good News/Bad News

A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.

“Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $10 and $12 million…and I think she could be right.”

Paul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow!!  Well done!! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day.  Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Day Brightener – Grandfather Of The Year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies and all sorts of other things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long.” Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, “William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather.”

“Thanks,” says the grandfather, “but I am William. This little shit’s name is Kevin.