Day Brightener – A Dog Fight For The Ages – You Can Change The Ethnic Groups To Suit Your Purposes

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would   someday end up destroying the whole world. So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long! Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground. The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”

The Israelis replied. “Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Day Brightener – The Journey Of Life Over The Years

* I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night.” Age 5

* I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

* I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

* I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

* I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

* I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

* I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

* I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures.  Age 26

* I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

* I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

* I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it. Age 42

* I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

* I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

* I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

* I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

* I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

* I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

* I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

* I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

* I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

* I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

* I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

* I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

* I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

* I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

* I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. Age 74

* I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch – holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.  Age 76

* I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 78

* I’ve learned that life is what you make it, and your life is much better when you make someone happy. Age 80+

******

I’ve learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

If Things Get Better With Age Then I’m Approaching Excellent.

“””Old Friends are the best friends!”””

Day Brightener – This Should Resonate Regardless Of Your Political Views

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.   She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.  Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!  When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.   He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.   Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election.   You can’t always hear the bells.

If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken …… no yolk

Day Brightener – Ever The Southern Gentleman


A southern gentleman with a strong southern accent went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”

“Wow, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had, gasped the girl.” Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? You’re an attractive guy too, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to your room?”

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, “Will there be anything else?”

“Why yes, replied the southern gentleman. Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y’all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink.”

Friday Frivolity – Not Politically Correct But Really Funny

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head “no”.

The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner to the bat boy.”

Bill hesitates but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it.

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, “Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want.  C’mere Hilly baby.”

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, “Bill you”!$#@&!”.

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, “How about that; I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!”

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first ‘pitch’.”

Day Brightener – Funnies For You To Enjoy


A lot of jokes about blonde females float around the internet but some may be surprised that there is a whole group of jokes about men that many do not see. Enjoy this other side of the coin.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied    ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE !’
And they say blondes are dumb….
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.
———— ——— ——-

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..’Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
———— ——— ——— ——— —-

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
—- ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——-

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———— ——— ——— ——— —

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
———— ——— ——— ——— —-

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
———— ——— ——— ——— ——-

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……….then He made the earth round.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——-

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!