Day Brightener – This Could Happen To You

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

“Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

“Doin’ just fine!”

And the other person says:

“So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

“Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

“Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation I tell them

“No…….I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear the person say nervously…

“Listen, I’ll have to call you back.. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

 

Day Brightener – Why People Hate High School Reunions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since high school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses’ aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Friday Frivolity – Flying South African Airlines — A Different Experience. – Please Take The Time To Read This. It Is Just Priceless.

This is about a real South African airline that seems to have a very good sense of humor. Read what is written on the outside of the plane and also the hilarious announcements by the flight attendants and pilots.  The announcements are great!  Enjoy!

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And get a kick out of the comments at the end of the photos. Notice the labeling on the plane.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN’T FLY INTERNATIONALLY – WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR – SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !”
—o0o—

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
—-o0o—

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
—-o0o—

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
—o0o—

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
—o0o—

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
—o0o–

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
—o0o—

From a Kulula employee: “Welcome aboard Kulula 2 71 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
—o0o—

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
—o0o—

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
—-o0o—

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
—o0o—

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
—o0o—

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
—o0o—

Heard on Kulula 2 55 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
—o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
—o0o—

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
—o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

“Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
—o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
—o0o

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”
—o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight: “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

Day Brightener – The Game Of Golf Defined In Golfisms

  1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
  2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..~ George Brett
  3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray
  4. The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
  5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.~ Kevin Costner
  6. I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
  7. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
  8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.~ Brian Weis
  9. Swing hard in case you hit it.~ Dan Marino
  10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.~ Lord Robertson
  11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.~ Jack Benny
  12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.~ Ben Hogan
  13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best.~ Jack Nicklaus
  14. The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.~ H. G. Wells
  15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.~ Billy Graham
  16. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.~ Bob Hope
  17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman
  18. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~ Jack Lemmon
  19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.~ Lee Trevino
  20. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.~ Lee Trevino

Day Brightener – Smart Ass – Had To Pass This One On…I Love Being Older!!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in — only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. There’s only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!

Day Brightener – How To Deal With The Hotel Bill

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But madam, this check is for $50.00.”

“That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

****

DON’T MESS WITH SENIOR CITIZENS.

Day Brightener – Hunting Dogs – You Just Have To Understand What He Is Saying

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.”
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”
Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it. There really are only two ducks out there!  Where did you get that dog”? 
Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him”.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, “Earl, dogs can’t talk.  He was trying to tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

Friday Frivolity – A Morning Eye Opener – Yes Dear! Men In Heaven

After everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for those who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?” The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”