Day Brightener – Morning Smiles On St. Patrick’s Day
Day Brightener – Maybe You Haven’t Heard Or Can’t Remember Some Of These. Lol
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a workstation.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
Finally:
27. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Day Brightener – Happenings On Each Day Of The Week
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was Concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over toHug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward He stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a Damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
‘Your Honour,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92,if he could screw, he could fly.’
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us rea li ses the long-term harm caused by the germ s in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.’
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!
Day Brightener – Thoughts Or Is It Questions?
Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you are broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you must touch it to check?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you try to catch something that is falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK… (then it’s you)!
Day Brightener – Regardless How We Each Might Feel About Him – Here Is The Wisdom Of Carl Sagan
“Religion deals with history, with poetry, with great literature, with ethics, with morals, including the morality of treating compassionately the least fortunate among us. All of these are things that I endorse wholeheartedly. Where religion gets into trouble is in those cases that it pretends to know something about science.
The science in the Bible, for example, was acquired by the Jews from the Babylonians during the Babylonian captivity of 600 BC. That was the best science on the planet then. But we’ve learned something since then. Roman Catholicism, Reform Judaism, most of the mainstream Protestant denominations have no difficulty with the idea that humans have evolved from other creatures, that the Earth is 4.6 billion years old, the Big Bang. They don’t have any trouble with that. The trouble comes with people who are Biblical literalists who believe that the Bible is dictated by the Creator of the Universe to an unerring stenographer and has no metaphor or allegory in it.”
Carl Sagan “The Science in the Bible” (Charlie Rose Interview)
Some people, at least, are disturbed about the idea that there might be life elsewhere; even simple forms of life. And the idea that there might be civilizations more advanced than ourselves elsewhere upsets a lot of people. I’m not a psychologist but I have spoken to a lot of people on the subject, and I think that there is a sense of “let’s keep the idea of where we are in the universe tidy.” It gets very complicated if you imagine that we’re only one kind of life where there are millions of other kinds, some of them much more advanced than us. That is precisely a mind expanding experience, and some people are not interested in having their minds expanded.
I think it also bumps into people’s religious prejudices. The sophisticated representatives of all the major religions have stated that there’s no test of faith involved, that it expands the range of God’s activities if he made life on other planets and all that. But still I think there is a kind of fundamentalist malaise about the idea of life elsewhere.”
Carl Sagan (Rolling Stone Interview 1973)
Carl Sagan ; Broca’s Brain : Reflections on the Romance of Science
When he found that his long cherished beliefs did not agree with the most precise observations, he accepted the uncomfortable facts, he preferred the hard truth to his dearest illusions. That is the heart of science.”
Carl Sagan ; Cosmos “The Heart of Science”
Then science came along and taught us that we are not the measure of all things, that there are wonders unimagined, that the Universe is not obliged to conform to what we consider comfortable or plausible. We have learned something about the idiosyncratic nature of our common sense. Science has carried human self -consciousness to a higher level.”
Carl Sagan ; Pale Blue Dot ; A Vision of the Human Future in Space
Carl Sagan ; Cosmos
In the United States, for example, there are people who are called “creationists,” the more radical of whom insist that the Earth is less than ten thousand years old. The shorter the age of the Earth, the greater the relative role of humans in the history of the Earth is. If the Earth is, as we certainly know it to be, 4,500 million years old and the human species at most a few million years old, probably less than that, then we have been here for only an instant of geological time, for less than one one-thousandth of the history of the Earth, and therefore in time, as in space, we have been demoted from the central to an incidental aspect.
And then evolution itself was still a further disquieting discovery, because at least it had been hoped that humans were separate from the rest of the natural world, that we had been specifically put here in a way different from petunias, let’s say. And yet Darwin’s historic work showed that we were very likely related in an evolutionary sense with all the other beasts and vegetables on the planet. And there remain many people who are enormously offended by this idea.”
Carl Sagan ; The Varieties of Scientific Experience
“If I thought the supreme coordinator of the universe had a special interest in making me and my brothers and sisters, that would give me a special significance. It would make me feel good, and also make me think that maybe I didn’t have to take care of myself; someone much more powerful would do so. It’s a tempting idea, but we have to be very careful not to impose our hopes and desires on the cosmos, but instead, in the scientific tradition and with the most open mind possible, see what the cosmos is saying to us.”
Carl Sagan “The Cosmos” (Rolling Stone Interview 1980)
-Carl Sagan, Billions and Billions: Thoughts on Life and Death at the Brink of the Millennium (1997)
-Carl Sagan, Billions and Billions: Thoughts on Life and Death at the Brink of the Millenium (1997)
Carl Sagan on artificial intelligence (1975)
“When we characterize ants and geese as only robots, we are also in danger of losing sight of the possibilities in robotics and artificial intelligence over the next few decades.
Already there are robots that read sheet music and play it on a keyboard; robots that translate between very different languages; robots that learn from their own experiences, codifying rules never taught to them by their programmers.
Some chess-playing robots can defeat all but a handful of human chess masters. Their moves surprise their programmers. Their games are routinely analyzed by experts, who speculate about what the robot’s ‘strategy,’ ‘goals,’ and ‘intentions’ must have been.”
– Carl Sagan, In Praise of Robots
-Carl Sagan, Billions and Billions: Thoughts on Life and Death at the Brink of the Millennium (1997)
Day Brightener – Julie Andrews And Her Favorite Things At An AARP Event
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from her legendary movie, ‘The Sound Of Music’.
Here are the lyrics she used – If you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Day Brightener – Tee Shirt Humor Quite Funny And Sometimes Just The Truth
Day Brightener – A.A.A.D.D. – Know The Symptoms!
Thank GOD there’s a name for this disorder!
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table thatI brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first…
But then I think, Since I’m going to be near the mailbox anyway When I take out the garbage, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my cheques, But first I need to push the Diet Coke aside So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Diet Coke is getting warm, And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye – they need water.
I put the Diet Coke on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed,
The bills aren’t paid,
There is a warm can of
Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, And I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don’t remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I’m sorry.
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