Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contractions’ to first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies.”
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a shrink and told him: I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
How much do you charge I asked?
One hundred fifty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I’ll sleep on it, I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.
Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.
Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.
It’s always better to get a second opinion.
Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves..
As a die hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California . Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so, they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do,” said Shawn.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”
Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
You thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?
If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that i was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
Respect your elders. They graduated from school without the internet.
I’ve decided I’m not old, I’m 25 — plus shipping and handling.
Why do i have to press “1” for English? Did America move?
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.
Vegetarian: Ancient tribal name for the village Idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!
In my defense i was left unsupervised.
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.
My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.
Some things are just better left unsaid. And i usually realize it right after i say them.
We owe illegals nothing. We owe our veterans everything.
Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
I thought getting old would take longer.
A wise man once said – nothing.
Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you cry under water?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The pharmacist asked “How many?”
The man replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen I cut each one into four pieces.”
The pharmacist said, “That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through intimacy.”
The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m past seventy-five years old and I don’t even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my new golf shoes.”