Day Brightener – Hard To Beat This Smart Budgeting Proving Not All Seniors Are Senile

$7.00 Sex

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a Sex Therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’ He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.  The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask.  Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.  She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.  I’m married, and we can’t go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $98.  The Hilton charges $139.  We do it here for $50, and best of all….Medicare pays $43 of it.

Day Brightener – My Lessons For Life As I Have Grown Older

#1 – I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 – I consider “In Style” to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 – I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 – My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 – The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

#6 – I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 – These days, “on time” is when I get there.

#8 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 – Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 – Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 – “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.

#12 – When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 – Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.

#14 – I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 – Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.

#16 – I still haven’t learned to act my age.

Day Brightener – We Can Guess Your Age

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. An one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said,

“There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said,

“Sure we can! – Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said,

“You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

“How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…

“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”😂😂

Day Brightener – An Exciting First Date

According to Snopes, it is true that a guest on the Tonight Show did tell this story when Jay Leno went into the audience looking for “bad date” anecdotes. What is less clear, however, is if the incident described happened.

couple in carIf you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had. The winner described her worst first date and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped, and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to flagpoles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her exposed flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand-new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about’ what’s taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be ‘pants down’.

Jay Leno’s comment…   ‘This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.’

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.

Remember, If  you haven’t got a smile on your  face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart!

Day Brightener – Do You Need A Laugh?? What Religion is Your Bra?

Macys

A man walked into the lady’s department of a Macy ‘s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ” ” What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

” Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”

” Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

  • There are the Catholic,
  • The Salvation Army,
  • The Presbyterian,
  • And the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?”

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. …

  • The Catholic type supports the masses;
  • The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
  • The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
  • The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

  • (A} Almost Boobs…
  • {B} Barely there…
  • {C} Can’t Complain!…
  • (D} Dang!…
  • {DD} Double dang!…
  • (E} Enormous!…
  • {F} Fake…
  • {G} Get a Reduction…
  • {H} Help me, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!…

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra. – Holtzemfromfloppen

Day Brightener – A Different Take On The Classic Tortise And Hare Story

777A Boeing 777 wide body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 1.5. The F16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3 D & million-dollar headset the F16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain Watch this!”

Operation Iraqi FreedomHe promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep unimaginable vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier as the F16 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level. The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot “What did you think of that?”

The 777-pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777-pilot chuckled and said, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company”

Lesson of life:

When you are young & foolish –  speed & flash may seem like a good thing! When you get older & smarter – comfort & dullness is not such a bad thing!

It’s called S.O.S.  – Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends at or approaching the S.O.S. category….

Day Brightener? – High School 1957 Vs. 2017 – By Today’s Standards None Of Us Were Supposed To Ever Make It

high-school-bannerScenario 1: Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.

1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2017- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2017 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark.They are both charged with assault and both expelled – even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2017 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2017 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being spanked herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2017- The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2017 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.  English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 – Ants die.
2017 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2017 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5years of therapy.