Friday Frivolity – Day Brightener – Sometimes The Answer You Get Is Not What You Expected

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’  The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

Day Brightener – The Virgin Bride On Her 4th Wedding

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”

The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”

“WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”

“What about your third husband?”

“That one was a Republican”, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

Day Brightener -The Old Golfer vs. The Beautiful Blonde

lionA circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

Day Brightener – The Old Man And The Beaver

doctor-patient-interaction

An 75-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 75-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc ?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.” One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge, he realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

The 75-year-old said , “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”

Day Brightener – Putting Your Affairs In Order

back-of-male-doctor-looking-at-older-female-patientThe doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news.  You have terminal cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have terminal cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a champagne.’ After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more champagnes. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating the woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’

 

Friday Frivolity – Late Night Vet Call

Captions 12

A dog lover, whose female dog came “in heat,” was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.” “Do you think that will work?” she asked. “Just worked for me.” he replied.

Day Brightener – Putting Your Affairs In Order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news.  You have terminal cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have terminal cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a champagne.’ After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more champagnes. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating the woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’

 

Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Start The Day

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s not even a member of this golf club’.

The professor was telling his early morning class, “I’ve found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over.”

A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, “Tell us more about Rosy.”