Day Brightener – The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt…Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes…Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store…Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia…U Gogh

His magician uncle. Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin…A Mee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach…Wells-Far Gogh

The constipated uncle… Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt… Tan Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking…Way To Gogh

The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh

A sister who travels the country in an RV… Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling…There ya Gogh!

Day Brightener – One Liners

Honk if you love peace and quiet!

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape

 Do you think illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Friday Frivolity – How Grandchildren Perceive their Grandparents

grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.,” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl.. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another.. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS,  ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!

Day Brightener – Clocks In Heaven

Clock 2A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those  clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that? “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a  lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire  life.”

“Where’s (Insert Your Favorite) clock?” asked the man. “(Insert Your Favorite) clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Editor’s Note: I was tempted to choose one of my favorites but the field is so fertile that I decided to let each of you make the selection.

Day Brightener – Jewish Cabbie . . .

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper. ”

The woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?” 

He paused a moment, then told her, “Vell…… M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”  

Now, that’s a businessman!

Day Brightener – British Humour

British TrainThe train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat  left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.’

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.’

Day Brightener – The Skirt Zipper Problem

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! 
I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, 
”Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped 
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Day Brightener – Definitions – So That Is What It Means

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

COMMITTEE: A body that takes minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie when the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell one person at a time.

TOMORROW: One of the most labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Friday Frivolity – Eight Words With Two Meanings

1. THINGY  (thing-ee)  n.
Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2.  VULNERABLE  (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION  (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-  mit-ment) n.
Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT   (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female – A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE  (flach-u-lens) n.
Female – An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male – A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE   (may-king luv) n.
Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL  (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said – I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said – You wear pants, don’t you?

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said – What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said – Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said – Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said – Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.