Day Brightener – Why English Is A Difficult Language To Learn

This took a lot of work to put together! You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in ham burger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweet meats are candies while sweet breads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing , grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amends? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

p.s. Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

Day Brightener – The Irish Fisherman

The rain ☔ was pouring down outside O’Connor’s Irish Pub.There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling In the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?

“Fishing” 🎣, replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says,

“Come in out of the rain ☔ and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the Gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,

“So how many have you caught today?”…………

 “You’re the 8th”, replied the old man.

Day Brightener – Do You Remember The Hollywood Squares?

250px-Hollywood_Squares_(TV_series)_titlecardIn the 1960s there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares. Stars were asked questions by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not, but the real power of the show was the one-liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer. Remember it was the 60’s….some smart cookies here!

Some of the best responses are below. And BTW in our current PC world, many would probably be bleeped out.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness.
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Friday Frivolity – The Golf Ball And The Sand Wedge

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.  

Then the woman’s husband also comes home.   She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. 

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ 

The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’ 

Boy – ‘I have a golf ball.’ 

Man – ‘That’s nice.’ 

Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’ 

Man – ‘No, thanks.’  

Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’ 

Man – ‘OK, how much?’ 

Boy – ‘$250’ 

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. 

Boy – ‘Dark in here.’ 

Man – ‘Yes, it is.’ 

Boy – ‘I have sand wedge.’ 

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’ 

Boy – ‘$750’ 

Man – ‘Sold..’ 

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, ‘Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let’s go outside and have some short game practice.   The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.’

The father says, ‘What?!   How much did you sell them for?’ 

Boy – ‘$1,000.’ 

The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.   That is far more than those two things cost.   I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’ 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. 

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit with me again.  “You’re in my closet now!’

Day Brightener – The Unsung Benefits Of A Glass Of Wine

WineTo my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don’t and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand: As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E. Coli – bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Not sure if our politicians are overdosing on water or wine. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service