Friday Frivolity – The Drive Through Confessional

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

Day Brightener – Why Grandfathers Are Different!

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? 
 Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. 
 Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
 “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked. 
 “Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Day Brightener – The Rabbi Hearing Confession

A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he calls his rabbi friend from across the street and asks him to cover for him.

The rabbi tells him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest tells him to come on over and he’ll stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional After a few minutes a woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

Bonus Day Brightener – Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus

An Abiding Question – If a man is alone in the woods with no women around; is he still wrong??

Proof that men have better friends than women

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Day Brightener – From The I Didn’t Know That Department

You’re gonna say “I didn’t know that!” at least 5 times. Really neat stuff here:

Alaska – More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon – The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20% of the world’s oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica – Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

Brazil – Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada – Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘ Big Village’.

Chicago – Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit – Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria – Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey – Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles – The full name of Los Angeles is: l Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula — and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City – The term ‘The Big Apple’ was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression ‘apple’ for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City Is to play the big time – The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel .

Ohio – There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man-made.

Pitcairn Island – The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq Km.

Rome – The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy (in 133 B.C.) There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia – Siberia contains more than 25% of the world’s forests.

S.M.O.M. – The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world Is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, and has an area of two tennis courts. And, as of 2001, has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert – In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, that did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically, though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years

Spain – Spain literally means ‘the land of rabbits’.

St. Paul , Minnesota – St. Paul , Minnesota , was originally called Pig’s Eye after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant who set up the first business there.

Roads – Chances that a road is unpaved: in the U.S.A = 1%; in Canada = 75%

Russia – The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles.) It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen – so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

United States – The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls -The water of Angel Falls (the world’s highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters.) They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway.

Day Brightener – The Pastor’s Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:


The Bishop was buried the next day.

Day Brightener – The Six Affairs

Had not seen this one in quite some time!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  One day they went to her placeand made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. ‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. ‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’ ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’ The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

Day Brightener – The World According To Kids And Why We Love Them

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. It was the minister calling, ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, She’s hitting the bottle.’

A  little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.’It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’

‘And why not, darling?’

‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.

‘What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’