Actual court documents taken from the court stenographer. How do court stenographers keep a straight face? These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
______________________________ _

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?
WITNESS: OK.
ATTORNEY : What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 6: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent – or some similar combination. LAW 7: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother-in-Law does not come close. LAW 8: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of  bounds or into the water. See LAW 3. LAW 9: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 10: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 11: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset. LAW 12: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three. LAW 13: If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip. LAW 14: It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8. LAW 15: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting  him to make fun of his own haircut. LAW 16: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. LAW 17: It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4feet away. LAW 18: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. LAW 19: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. LAW 20: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. LAW 21: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard. LAW 22: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. LAW 23: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. LAW 24: Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona; the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

My son was flunking out of college so i told him,, “you will marry the girl I choose.” he said, “no.”I told him, “she is Bill Gates’ daughter.” he said, “yes.”

 I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “no.” I told Bill Gates, “my son is the CEO of the world bank.” Bill Gates said, “yes.”

 I called the president of the world bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “no.” I told him, “my son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “yes.” 

And that’s exactly how politics works.

And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government. this practice remains unbroken to this day.

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading It.” – Moses Hada

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It.” – Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t It.” – Groucho Marx

”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

”When I’m good I’m very good, when I’m bad, I’m even better.” – Mae West

The Oseberg cart, discovered in the Oseberg Ship, is the only complete Viking Age wagon ever found. The ship, dating from the mid 9th century, is considered one of the most lavish relics of a Viking burial. It was discovered in a burial mound in Oseberg, near the Oslo Fjord in Norway. The wagon is made of beech and oak and is about two meters long and one meter wide. The wagon box, which sits loosely on the chassis, is decorated with men’s heads and people fighting snakes and strange animals. This discovery provides valuable insights into the craftsmanship, culture, and lifestyle of the Vikings during that era. It’s a testament to the advanced woodworking skills and artistic sensibilities of the Viking people.

The Second Class Saloon Nome, AK. July 1st, 1901

The “Three Lucky Swedes” – Jafet Lindeberg, Erik Lindblom, and John Brynteson – who stumbled upon a lucrative gold deposit on Anvil Creek in 1898 ignited a frenzied gold rush to the area. Word of this extraordinary find swiftly traversed the Klondike gold fields during that winter, leading to the establishment of Anvil City by 1899, a settlement that proudly housed a population of 10,000.

However, the real excitement was yet to unfold. In 1899, rumors circulated about gold concealed in the beach sands, attracting the world’s attention beyond. This triggered a massive stampede, with thousands of fortune seekers going to Nome from distant ports like Seattle and San Francisco. The landscape transformed as tents sprouted across the vast expanse, stretching along the 30-mile stretch between Cape Rodney and Cape Nome. Driven by determination, Pioneers began constructing structures from finished board lumber as early as 1899.

The zenith of Nome’s bustling mining town occurred in the early 1900s, marking its ascendancy as Alaska’s largest city. While estimates suggested a population of 20,000, the official 1900 record reported an impressive figure of 12,488. Notably, one-third of all recorded white inhabitants of Alaska called Nome home, as per the U.S. Census.

Unfortunately, the grandeur of Nome’s gold rush architecture was marred by the ravages of fire and the fury of violent storms. Little remains of that captivating era today, but the surviving remnants bear traces of the ornate Victorian style that charmed many during the gold rush.

Presently, the resilient inhabitants of Nome have diversified their livelihoods, no longer dependent solely on gold panning and rocking. The legacy of the gold rush endures, albeit as a fraction of the vibrant tapestry that comprises Nome’s captivating history. Over the past century, a rich flow of people and events has shaped the contemporary community of Nome. Explore more about the historic Nome to delve deeper into its intriguing past.

#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”  And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”

#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied: “Two years older than me”.  “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.  She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

#4
I’ve sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart??”  “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

#7
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER: 

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.