Day Brightener – Understanding Men’s Thinking

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives women a present of $5,000 and watches to 
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because 
she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs. 

Men are like that, you know.

And on another 
 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Weekend Day Brightener – The Haircut

BarberRegardless which side of the aisle you are on given the current political climate this should resonate

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Day Brightener – A Thought For The Day And The Interchange Between A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

mosquitoIt’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

CA.0408.the.guard.A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish   cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “

Friday Frivolity – Someone Out There Must Be “Deadly” At Scrabble

PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS!  NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Day Brightener – The World’s Most Interesting Man

  • He gave his father “the talk”
  • His passport requires no photograph
  • When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
  • Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
  • His Cinco de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
  • His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
  • He once went to the psychic, to warn her
  • If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
  • Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
  • He can speak Russian… in French
  • He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
  • Superman has pajamas with his logo
  • His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
  • The circus ran away to join him
  • Bear hugs are what he gives bears
  • He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
  • When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
  • His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
  • He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
  • If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
  • He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
  • He can kill two stones with one bird
  • His signature won a Pulitzer
  • When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
  • He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
  • The dark is afraid of him
  • Sharks have a week dedicated to him
  • His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
  • No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
  • He once made a weeping willow laugh
  • He lives vicariously through himself
  • His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
  • He once taught a German shepherd how to bark in Spanish
  • He bowls overhand
  • In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
  • He is allowed to talk about the fight club
  • He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
  • He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle

Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes – Both Help Make The Current State Of Politics A Little More Understandable

An engineer, an architect and a politician were arguing about which profession came first.

“Engineering of course” said the engineer. “Somebody had to build the universe.”

The architect goes, “who do you think designed it before you could build it? Somebody had to put order into chaos first.”

The politician goes, “who do you think created the chaos?”

Politician Image“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’? ”

“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with ‘If I am elected.”