At St. Peter’s Catholic Church they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’
The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’
Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”
Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam. The deciding question was, “Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect.” Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.
I was drinking at a bar so i took a bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but i’ve never driven a bus before.
I thought getting older would take longer.
A wise man once said nothing.
Respect your elders; they graduated from school without the internet.
I’ve decided i’m not old; i’m 25 plus shipping and handling.
Why do i have to press “1” for english? Did america move?
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Instead of “single” as a marital status i prefer “independently owned and operated”.
Patience: what you have when there are too many witnesses.
Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish or light fires!
I look at people and sometimes think…”really? That’s the sperm that won?”
In my defense i was left unsupervised.
My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.
Some things are just better left unsaid. And i usually realize it right after i say them.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that i was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
- He called everyone brother
- He liked Gospel
- He didn’t get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
- He went into His Father’s business
- He lived at home until he was 33
- He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
- He talked with His hands
- He had wine with His meals
- He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
- He never cut His hair
- He walked around barefoot all the time
- He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
- He was at peace with nature
- He ate a lot of fish
- He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
- He never got married
- He was always telling stories
- He loved green pastures
But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
- He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food
- He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it
- And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but down under.
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.
BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man’s Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world’s best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. ‘Mom’, he asked, ‘Are these my brains?’ ‘Not yet,’ she replied.
I cut my drinking in half by eliminating the orange juice in my screwdrivers.
One spelling mistake can destroy your life. Husband sent a message to his wife: “I’m having a wonderful time. Wish you were her.
I’m not saying she was stupid, but I asked her to spell Mississippi and she said, ‘The river or the state?”
If I wanted your opinion, I would have married you.
It’s a shame that 99.9 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name.
Good grammar skills is something in which I excel in.
I thought I finally found my groove. Turns out, it’s a rut.
I don’t remember the words ‘anything you say can and will be used against you’ being in my marriage vows.
But you must believe in free will. You have no choice.
So, I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: ‘Who’s speaking, please? And a voice said, ‘You are.”
I like using Latin phrases when speaking in English and vice versa.
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Little Jimmy says to his mom, ‘When I grow up I want to be a man.’ Mom says, ‘Don’t be silly, you can’t do both.’
How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven: one to change the light bulb and ten to take photos to put on Facebook.