- “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
- “What the @#$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
- “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877
- “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938
- “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” — Picasso, 1926
- “How the @#$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC
- “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling? — Michelangelo, 1566
- “Where the @#$% are we?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937
- “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC
- “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1998
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!’
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”
A man went to church one day and afterward, he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father”
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
“Your Honour,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92 if he could screw, he could fly.”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa …“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Air Show Disaster at West Zwick’s Island Park, Belleville, Ontario, Canada.
Aircraft Hits Four Buildings
This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo below shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.
When you stop laughing send it to someone else who needs a good laugh.
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. – Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. – Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – WH Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? – Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. – Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley
During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British “red coat.” Many people have asked, “Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won’t show, …and the men they are leading won’t panic.
Well here is the lowdown on the whole thing.
When babies soil their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em.
I’m Glad we got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So, I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.