There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked. “Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
- What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
- Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
- Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
- Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
- Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
- Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
- Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
- How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
- The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..night!!!!
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: ‘How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?’ Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer:
“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?”
Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”
“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.
“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”
The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”
Dr. Epstein replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”
“Was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, many years.”
The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart? “
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still, they stay together.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question, which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays’
‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
Send This To All The Guys To Give Them A Good Laugh. And Then To Those Special Ladies With A Great Sense Of Humor.
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
“Hmm…” mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
“Aha!” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, “How does that feel now?”
The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it. What did you do?”
The doctor replied, “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.”