Day Brightener – Two Vignettes On Aging

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.  Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!

  1. This is this cat.
  2. This is is cat.
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat.
  5. This is keep cat.
  6. This is an cat.
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat.
  9. This is busy cat.
  10. This is for cat.
  11. This is forty cat.
  12. 12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I Betcha you cannot resist passing it on………

Day Brightener – To All My Intelligent Friends

I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out. My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common!

  1. Banana
  2. Dresser
  3. Grammar
  4. Potato
  5. Revive
  6. Uneven
  7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?  Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. You’ll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so good …..

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.

The answer is below!

Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you’ll feel better too.

Friday Frivolity – Profound Observations

The Great Lao-Tzu said
“It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you come to realize that you can solve problems without using violence.”

Sign Seen In Bar & Restaurant Yesterday
Your don’t have to be crazy to work here.
We will train you.

Sex & Calories
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

After my Prostate Exam:
The Doctor left. 
Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words no man wants to hear: “Who was that”?

Quote from John Wayne;
“Life is hard and harder if you are stupid”

Remember:
Humor is like salt, everything goes better with it.

Consistency:
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

Day Brightener – Irish Mating Call

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. ‘Was the other Indian crazy or what?’

The Indian replied ‘No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, ‘Wooooo! Woooo Wooooo!’

Immediately, there was the answer.

‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, ‘Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!’

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, ‘WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!’

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read……………

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Day Brightener – Texas, An Interesting Retrospective

Have you ever looked at a map of the world?

Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it, they know what it is. It’s Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt, and he’ll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you? In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is a little bit of Texas in everyone.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom.

We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Davy Crockett, and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand, and they decided to cross it and be heroes.

John Wayne paid to do the movie The Alamo himself. That is the Spirit of Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana at San Jacinto. Texas has huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett and Sam Houston National Forests.

Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend.
Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country.
Texas is floating the rivers of the Hill Country on a hot summer day.
Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas.
Texas is beaches you can drive on and have many memorable bonfires with close friends.
Texas is that warm feeling you get when someone asks where you’re from.
Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.
Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.
Texas is Mexican foods like nowhere else, not even Mexico.
Texas is chicken fried steak and world-famous Bar-B-Q.

Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Mort Myerson in Dallas, The Ballpark in Arlington, the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, the American Airlines Center in Dallas, and the Astrodome (the Reliant Stadium now) in Houston.

Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Ann Richards, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Gene Autry, Audie Murphy, Tommy Lee Jones, Waylon Jennings, Farrah Fawcett, Janis Joplin, Sandra Bullock, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Eva Longoria Parker, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Roger Staubach Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, Howard Hughes, George H. W. Bush, Lyndon B. Johnson, George W. Bush, and let’s not forget GEORGE STRAIT, the Big Bopper, Tex Ritter, George Jones, Clay Walker, Mark Chestnut, and Tracy Byrd to name ONLY a few.

Texas has great companies like Valero, Dell Computer, Texas Instruments, EDS and Compaq, Whataburger, Southwest Airlines, Bell Helicopter, and LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE, Home of the F-16Jet Fighter and the SF Fighter. And Texas is NASA.

Texas is huge herds of cattle, beautiful horses and miles of crops. Texas is home to the world-famous King Ranch. Texas is home to the most amazing sunsets of gold over an empty field. Texas is skies blackened with doves and fields full of deer.

Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local high school football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football at the new Cowboy Stadium, and for the Night In Old San Antonio River Parade in San Antonio.

To drive across Texas is to drive 1/3 the way across the United States. Texas has ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.

If it isn’t already in Texas, we probably don’t need it. No one does anything bigger or better than it’s done in Texas. By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. That can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. Flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California, or Maine, and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Klein Oak High or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height – 20 feet. You know why? Because it’s the only state that was a Republic before it became a state.

Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here. Our capital is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, DC. And we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to! We can become a republic again at any time the voters of Texas choose, and we included these things as part of the deal when we came on.

That’s the best part, right there. Texas even has its own power grid!! And don’t even lie to yourself. Did I mention the LIVE music capitol of the world? If you are a REAL TEXAN, you won’t even need to be told to pass this on..! GOD BLESS TEXAS

Day Brightener – Paraprosdokians Are Figures Of Speech In Which The Latter Part Of A Sentence Or Phrase Is Surprising Or Unexpected And Is Frequently Humorous.

BTW Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Day Brightener – The Question: Do You Like Getting Older???

I can hit the golf ball any way I can and laugh if it goes in the lake. Them’s the breaks. I’m just happy I can still hit that golf ball.

I am forwarding this to those on my Seniors e-mail list because it is so   well written. Please send back. (I did) It’s neat. Don’t delete this one, you’ll laugh when you see the return message.

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 & 70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish   to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned   the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.  I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be.  And I shall eat dessert every single day  (if I feel like  it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

Day Brightener – How Can Something So Small Hold This Much Power?

In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,  This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,  The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,  I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,  Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,  A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,  I Chide myself And Almost Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,  If I Can Hit It Straight And Far

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,  Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,  And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,  And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,  To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,  It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,  If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,  And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,  But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of  balls .    A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.    Another study found golfers drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.    That means, on average, golfers get about  41 miles to the gallon.    Kind of makes you proud.  I Almost feel like a hybrid

Day Brightener – Life’s Mysteries

To start your day off in an intellectual way, here are a few of life’s mysteries to ponder over coffee.

  • Ever wonder about those people who spend $5.00 each on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
  • OK … so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the ‘Jags’ and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the ‘Bucs,’ what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one person enjoys it?
  • There are three religious truths:
    • Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    • Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    • Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
  • Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it  follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  • If Fed Ex and U.P.S. were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of  bald men?
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.
  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  • If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
  • If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  • At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells  … ‘THEIRS’?

Okay. Enough. Go back to whatever you were doing.

Friday Frivolity – As Someone Else Might Have Said, “This Is Not A Love Story For Everyone.”

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

BerthThough initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied.’ Get your own fucking blanket.’

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End