So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?’
“Yes, I do,” said Shawn
“Did you, er… happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um… yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look… I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you; you’re smiling, aren’t you?)
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’ Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”
1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.…..What was the third child’s name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…..What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,…..what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole….that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language…..is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer……How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…..Why not?
8. What was the President’s name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race…..and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say……“The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field ……how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children.. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name? Answer: Johnny of course
2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat.
3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four fee? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on … ]
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]
11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
- How does Moses make tea?…….. Hebrews it.
- Venison for dinner again?……. Oh deer!
- A cartoonist was found dead in his home……. Details are sketchy.
- I used to be a banker, but then…….. I lost interest.
- Haunted French pancakes give me,…… The crêpes.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have,……. A Liverpool.
- I tried to catch some fog, …….but I mist.
- They told me I had type-A blood, but………. It was a Typo.
- I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic……… It’s syncing now.
- Jokes about German sausage……. Are the wurst.
- I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says,……. He can stop any time.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, ……..and then it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, ……..but I’d never met herbivore.
- When chemists die,…….. They barium.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…….. I just can’t put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. ……… It was a play on words.
- Why were the Indians here first? ……… They had reservations.
- I didn’t like my beard at first………. Then it grew on me.
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because……. She couldn’t control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection,…… Urine trouble.
- Broken pencils are…….. Pointless.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?……. A thesaurus.
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy…….. Marx.
- ll the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen…….. The police have nothing to go on.
- I got a job at a bakery because…. I kneaded dough.
- Velcro …… What a rip off!
- Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female….. The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
He said…. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…. You wear pants, don’t you?
He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said…. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a single day, Washington State recently passed two laws.
1. Legalized gay marriage
2. Legalized marijuana.
Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day now makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says:
“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
Apparently, we just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!