Friday Frivolity – Two Short Vignettes As We Start The New Year

The Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: ‘Well, that’s great…that’s just great………some asshole’s got my pen!

taxMy tax return?

I just received my tax return for 2018 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents?” I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; about 40 million people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.” Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

Day Brightener – A Look At Some Of Our All-Time Favorites As They Approach the New Year

Sleeping Beauty is still asleep…

Little-Red-Riding-Hood hasn’t seen the Wolf since…

Spider-Man is attached to different threads…

Batman and Robin are living it up at the Nursing Home…

Wonder Woman is menopausal…

Superman is 60 years old……

And So is Little Tweety

Barbie celebrated her 50th Birthday …

The Little Mermaid has met a sad fate

Cinderella is divorced…

Snow White has not been so lucky…

And we realize that life is too short and goes by way too fast. This getting old thing stinks. So, You Might As Well Smile AND Try To Enjoy Each Day!!

Good Health…Good Times. Good Friends. And Hopefully, Good Memories (if you can recall !!) have A HAPPY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, HEALTHY NEW YEAR!

Day Brightener – Must Be A Guy Thing

Husband:
My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer:
Age?

Husband:
I’m not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don’t do birthdays.

Officer:
Height?

Husband:
I’m not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER:
Weight?

Husband:
Don’t know.  Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think  Never really noticed.

OFFICER:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don’t know exactly.

OFFICE:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

OFFICER:
What kind of truck was it?

Husband:
A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.   It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER:
Take it easy sir,    We’ll find your truck.

Day Brightener – One Of The Many Ways A Robbery Can Go Wrong

Panic in suburbia….

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knifepoint asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, ‘You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: ‘You must really love your wife!’

Man: ‘Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.’

Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Get Your Day Started

RailroadEmergency Operator Fired…..Why???

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed the call center from a mobile phone stating: “I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah.”

Apparently, “Remain calm and stay on the line,” was not considered to be an appropriate response.

Success

Day Brightener – The Old Cowboy And Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The old cowboy replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the cowboy.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The old cowboy calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

Day Brightener – Even As The Audience Changes It is Probably Best To Have Only One Story!

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” 

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” 

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” 

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep“.