Bonus Day Brightener – The Blonde Flight Attendant

The blonde flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One…”

Day Brightener – Money Isn’t Everything?

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.  He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.  Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its’ ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.  The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally, the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet..

How about half a million bucks then?’

‘No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again, Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

Bonus Day Brightener – Who’s The Boss?

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!”

Day Brightener – Poetry Competition Between Harvard Educated Professor And West Virginia Hillbilly

At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an
unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of
literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two
was a young named Rich  from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling
out the entry form.

The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and
having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.
The Professor went first. The Judge said, ” The final word this year is
‘Timbuktu'” The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds.
The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began,

“Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu.”

The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Rich would ever top
that.

Rich  was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, “Timbuktu.”
The man. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to
the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,

“Tim ‘en me, a-hunting went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!”

Day Brightener – Always Nice To Be Helpful

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 5th grade.”

“No ma’am he replied, “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.”

Day Brightener – A Road Trip Saga That The Women In The Audience Are Going To Love!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Friday Frivolity – Trip To Nowhere

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD that you’re alive”

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with a sailor,” she replied.  “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

Day Brightener – The Wisdom Of The World Written On Rest Room Walls

Urinal sign

Over the urial in a Golf Course Men’s Room

Beauty is only a light switch away – Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. – The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. – Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar & Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry – Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tee, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere – Written in the dust on the back of a bus Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war hell, do both GET MARRIED! – Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. – Revolution Books New York, NY

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! – Men’s restroom House of Representatives Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less – Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him – Sign over the mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone. – Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

And perhaps the most realistic one

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Day Brightener – The Importance Of Walking

  • Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
  • My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
  • I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.
  • The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  • I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
  • Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  • I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years – just getting over the hill.
  • We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
  • That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but just e-mail it to them. If you don’t forward this to one of your friends within the next 5 minutes your bellybutton will unscrew and your butt will fall off.