- ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
- AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
- BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
- BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
- CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
- COUNTERFITTERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
- ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
- EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
- HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
- LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
- MISTY: How golfers create divots
- PARADOX: Two physicians!!
- PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
- PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
- POLARIZE: What penguins see with
- PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
- RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
- RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
- SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
- SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden… POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature!
Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
Then POOF! … She was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Dave, where are you?”
Dave yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”
Tom shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, DAVE; FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T SWING!!!!!!
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.” Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst…”I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”
Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
I don’t know” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in this cedar chest…..
A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time,” he replied.
The local man said: “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”
“What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
“It’s true. We never fight.”
“PLEASE,” begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”
“Well,” said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one.’
“We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two.’
“Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’
“My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one.’
“And we haven’t had a fight since.”
– Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
– Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
– Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
– Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
– All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.
– Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air.
Okay den, listen up; I’m only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes–you’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we’re gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it.
Start saying da Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say ‘trespass against us,’ which isn’t right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin!
Right now I’ll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. “Ah, well, Moshe would be pleased,” she said.
“You’re right,” replied Ruth, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “So, go on, how much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Sarah. “Forty thousand dollars.”
“Aw, No!”, Ruth exclaimed, “I mean, it was a very grand affair, but $40,000?”
Sarah answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”
Ruth computed quickly.
“Oy Vey! For the love of God Sarah, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”;
Back and forth. . . in and out . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . . “OK, OK, you smart ass, I can’t parallel park. You do it!”
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’ The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. she hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!
OH, come on… Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You’re going to love this!!! Everyone knows.
You can’t kill Two Birds with Onestone!!