Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
On Lance Armstrong: I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
Drive By: A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!
The Agony of Aging: On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.
VIDEO SCAM: Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute: Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?” “Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”
And finally one from Jim
“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your horse’s reins is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”
“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately. “Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! “God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
How to avoid a speeding ticket!
Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the King went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The King was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the King hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
If you’re bored this weekend…and we assume you might be, you can memorize pi to 1,000 decimal places.
Of all the places to be quarantined, a brothel in Valencia, Spain, might not be the worst.
You’ve got booze, you’ve likely got a small buffet of fried foods and you’ve got entertainment.
That was exactly the case a day ago when authorities found that a woman working at the “La Selva Negra” brothel had tested positive for coronavirus. The findings forced authorities to quarantine the premises and the 86 customers that were inside.
The employee, who is now in the hospital, had “slept with several clients that same night,” according to a translated blog post on the story.
In addition to the customers, the club’s owners, waitresses, security and cleaning crew were also quarantined. When added to the total of 86 customers, it makes 119 people under quarantine.
They have been asked to “keep calm” and to just “live a normal life” inside the premises.
That may be easier for some of the patrons than they’d like to admit.
And for all those guys who told their wives they were going to a wine tasting with their buddies and instead went to the brothel, the news may be worse than coronavirus.