Bonus Day Brightener – Murder At Costco – Very Sinister

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as a down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared… . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

(You’re going to hate me for this…)

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco’

Day Brightener – Bob The Cowboy And The Yuppie

A cowboy named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bob.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bob says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Member of Parliament for Justin Trudeau’s Government”, says Bob.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know beans about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

Day Brightener – An Oldie, But Goodie – Men And Their Wives….Still Funny!

Avocados
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” Note: If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous “
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”.

The Phone.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. “Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?” Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…” “What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband. “How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

Statistic
This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrisome in recent years. 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That’s scary.  It means 75% are running around untreated.

He Must Pay…
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.” Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.” Then he made the earth round… and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Day Brightener – What Are Some Unwritten Social Rules Everyone Should Know?

What are some unwritten social rules everyone should know?

1. 1+1 = 3 if you don’t use a condom.

2. Alcohol increases the size of the “SEND” button by 89%.

3. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

4. Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectations.

5. Life is too short to be with the wrong person.

6. Just because you love them, it doesn’t mean they’re right for you.

7. Feelings that come back are feelings that never left.

8. Everything’s not as easy as getting fat.

9. Even a bad day is just 24 hours.

10. It’s not your job to fix people.

Upvote if you agree with any of these.

Friday Frivolity – The Cynic’s Food For Thought

DoomWe are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – W.H. Auden

I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

 I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

 You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

 Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone….. That’s common sense leaving your body.

 I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom

I didn’t make it to the gym again today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John. I renamed it Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; If you find one…..what’s your plan ?

Day Brightener – The Old Golfer

Meet Walter Barnes.

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 

“Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” 

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. 

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?” 

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes.” Then he calmly returned to his seat.

Day Brightener – A.A.A.D.D. – Know The Symptoms!

Thank GOD there’s a name for this disorder. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first…But then I think,

Since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: The car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to. Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

P.S.I don’t remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I’m sorry