Day Brightener – British Medical Advice

Medical experts in London today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

  • Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
  • Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
  • Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
  • Many Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
  • Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
  • Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
  • Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
  • Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the whole idea.
  • Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
  • In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in politics.

Day Brightener – Comments On Life As I Get Older.

  • My Goal For 2020 Was To Lose 10 Pounds. Only Have 14 To Go
  • I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese.  FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?
  • I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  • I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
  • A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  • Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  • Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  • Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
  • I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.  I forgot where I was going with this.
  • I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
  • A thief broke into my house last night.  He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
  • remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
  • Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
  • It’s weird being the same age as old people.
  • When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
  • Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
  • Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, & slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So, don’t sing
  • I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
  • So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
  • If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
  • I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
  • Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
  • Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
  • getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
  • I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
  • At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:  “That’s a load of 2020.”  or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
  • You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
  • We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

Day Brightener – An Example of an Outdoorsy Man Especially For Us Golfers

outdoorDuring his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

The golfer described a typical day this way:

  • “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
  • Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
  • Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
  • Marched up and down several rocky hills,
  • Stood in a patch of poison ivy,
  • Crawled out of quicksand
  • And took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer.”