Oliver Wendell Holmes, the eminent Supreme Court justice, was on a train reading his paper when the conductor came by punching tickets. The justice searched his coat pockets for his ticket. Then he searched his vest pockets. Each time he came up empty.

Finally the conductor, recognizing him, said, “Mr. Justice Holmes, don’t worry. I’m sure the great Pennsylvania Railroad won’t mind if you send your ticket to us when you find it.”

With this the distinguished jurist looked up at the conductor and said, “My dear young man — the problem is not where is my ticket? The problem is — where am I going?”

The following are called paraprosdokians. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oftentimes very humorous:

• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they’re flashing behind you.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I  can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If  you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Take my advice — I’m not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• Hospitality  is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
• Behind  every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I  was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I  was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
• If  at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If  tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, at other times I let her sleep.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903–Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the good die young

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In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising.

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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

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A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

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John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God.

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THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN: –

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

And the final one…

On a tombstone in Boothill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a 44 No Les, No more.