Friday Frivolity – Louisiana Land Title Legend

My research indicates this is “Legend” meaning that while the overall tenor may well be true the actual specifics are in all likelihood embellished.Rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina often caused residents to be challenged to prove home titles back hundreds of years. That is because of community history stretching back over two centuries during which houses were passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish a paper trail of ownership.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA rebuilding loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted upon submission of satisfactory proof of ownership of the parcel of property as it was being offered as collateral. It took the lawyer 3 months, but he was able to prove title to the property dating back to 1803. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

And here is the letter the lawyer responded with:

“Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have proof of title extended further than the 206 years already covered in the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working with real property, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin of title identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to   India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘s expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn reconstruction loan?”

The loan was immediately approved.

Day Brightener – Do You Need A Laugh?? What Religion is Your Bra?

Macys

A man walked into the lady’s department of a Macy ‘s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ” ” What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

” Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”

” Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

  • There are the Catholic,
  • The Salvation Army,
  • The Presbyterian,
  • And the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?”

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. …

  • The Catholic type supports the masses;
  • The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
  • The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
  • The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

  • (A} Almost Boobs…
  • {B} Barely there…
  • {C} Can’t Complain!…
  • (D} Dang!…
  • {DD} Double dang!…
  • (E} Enormous!…
  • {F} Fake…
  • {G} Get a Reduction…
  • {H} Help me, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!…

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra. – Holtzemfromfloppen

Day Brightener – And That’s How The Fight Started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ … She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’ So, I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started….
_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…
________________________________

Saturday morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……..
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, ‘I am NOT Happy!’

So, I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.
________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.

Day Brightener – The Secret To A Conflict Free Marriage

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time,” he replied.

The local man said: “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”

“What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

“It’s true. We never fight.”

“PLEASE,” begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”

“Well,” said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one.’

“We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two.’

“Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’

“My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one.’

“And we haven’t had a fight since.”

Day Brightener – What Starts With F? Clean And Truly Funny

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what exactly is your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

 Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he would go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal:  ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry: ‘9.’ 

Principal: ‘What is 6  x 6?’

Harry: ’36.’

And so, it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘Y’know  I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade’

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, ‘Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.’

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’ 

Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’ The principal wondered why she would ask such a question! 

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’ 

Harry: ‘Pants.’ 

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard, and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’ Now the principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms.  Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Firetruck.’ 

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, ‘Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself…’

Day Brightener – Is Sex Work????

A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning-briefing to all his staff.

While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was ‘work’, and how much of it was pure ‘pleasure’?

A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favor of ‘work’.

A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.

A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favor of ‘pleasure’, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the Newbie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Newbie responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure Sir.”

The N.C.O… was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said “And why is that soldier”?

“Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them Sir!”.