I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone. That’s common sense leaving your body.
I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn’t make it to the gym again today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John. I renamed it Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; If you find one – what’s your plan?
- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
- To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
- When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
- Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
- Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
- If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- I run like the winded.
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
- I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
- I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
- When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
- It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
- Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
- That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”. Where are you from?”
The man replied, “Great Falls.”
“Really,” she said. “I have family in Great Falls.”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
- Taxes; and
- Being screwed by a lawyer
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them ‘Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?’ Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, ‘Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?’ Sven replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.’
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, ‘I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?’
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, ‘Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.’
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor
“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.
“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”
“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.
“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”
“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”
“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I ground it to a powder and put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.
Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.
Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”
“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
Plan with a purpose, prepare with a prayer, proceed with positivity, and pursue with persistence. ~African proverb~
I don’t know who let the dogs out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street… why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop……why eggs are packaged in a flimsy carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails…what does the fox say… why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator… why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons… why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections… and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going?… why does The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune… why did you just try to sing those two previous songs… and just what exactly is Victoria’s secret? Where the heck is Waldo? Can you hear me now?