Friday Frivolity – Men Vs. Women – This Probably Explains It!

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’ He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’ Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me..’ So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Day Brightener – All About Tools – For All, Particularly The Amateur Do It Yourself Crowd

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.  Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.  Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.  Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.  Also, very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.  Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

I hope this information was informative

Day Brightener – Noah’s Travails Attempting To Build A Second Ark

GodIn the year 2020, the Lord ameunto Noah, who was now living in America and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.” “Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. “He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights

Noahs ArkSix months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no ark. “Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed “I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.” “My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.” “I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.” “The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.” Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?

Government“No,” said the Lord. “Your Government beat me to it.”

Day Brightener – The World According To Woody Allen

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. ~ Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. ~ Woody Allen

If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ll feel I’ve done my job. ~ Woody Allen

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. ~ Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you. ~ Woody Allen

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. ~ Woody Allen

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ~ Woody Allen

I think universal harmony is a pipe dream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. ~ Woody Allen

I don’t know enough to be incompetent. ~ Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~ Woody Allen

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. ~ Woody Allen

With my complexion I don’t tan, I stroke. ~ Woody Allen

I have no idea what I am doing. But incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm. ~ Woody Allen

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it’s fantastic. ~ Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. ~ Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people. ~ Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~ Woody Allen

I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials. ~ Woody Allen

I’m a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ~ Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody AllenI believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. ~ Woody Allen

Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen

Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge. ~ Woody Allen

80% of success is showing up. ~ Woody Allen

This year I’m a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole? ~ Woody Allen

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. ~ Woody Allen

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all. ~ Woody Allen

I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t. ~ Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. ~ Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness – I hope you’re getting this down. ~ Woody Allen

The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign’. ~ Woody Allen

After the accident he was only able to communicate through the use of hand puppets. ~ Woody Allen (A personal favorite, though this is likely a paraphrase . . . )

Friday Frivolity – Oxymorons

O x y m o r o n s

  • OxymoonsIs it good if a vacuum really sucks?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  • If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  • If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  • Why does “slow down” and slow up” mean the same thing?
  • Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
  • Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
  • Why do we sing “Take me out to the ballgame” when we are already there?
  • Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
  • Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
  • Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”make the unexpected expected?
  • Why are a “wise man” and” wise guy” opposites?
  • Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
  • Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
  • If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  • Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  • Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
  • Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
  • Christmas- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
  • Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?

Day Brightener – The Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.” 

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies 

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. 

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. 

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample…. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco..” 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results . 

The computer prints the following: 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours… Get a lawyer. 

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! 

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!