Day Brightener – Help Starting The Day In Case You Are Feeling A Little Stupid!

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.
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(stupid1On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.
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stupid2“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey
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stupid3“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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stupid4“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward.
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stupid5“Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  , DC  . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

stupid6“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in  Texas  .
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stupid7“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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stupid8“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President
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stupid9“I love  California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

— Dan Quayl
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stupid10“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca
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stupid12“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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stupid13“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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stupid14“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery
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stupid16“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your brilliant friends.

Day Brightener – Another Forum For Daily Messages

This is a very cool story.   Can you imagine wanting to make sure you drove by a certain gas station every day?  Just to see what the message was on the chalk board?    It’s true — a gas station has become quite a landmark in Gauteng, South Africa, with its daily #PetrolPumpWisdom, which are uplifting quotes written on a chalkboard. Some people say they deliberately travel this route just to read the quote which brightens their day.

The lady behind this wonderful initiative at Hutton Hyde Park is Alison Billett. She told SAPeople: “We inherited the board from the previous owner, Dick Hutton, when we bought the filling station from him almost 20 years ago.“We continued the tradition and it has become a landmark – more so now that it’s on social media!

Day Brightener – My Lifelong Job Search

  1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.
  2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
  4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
  5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
  6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it….I couldn’t cut the mustard.
  7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
  8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
  9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
  10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
  11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
  12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
  13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
  14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
  15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT, AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Day Brightener – How’s This For A Strange Confluence Of Events?

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John D.S. Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo’s position was LAT 0º 31′ N and LONG 179 30′ W. The date was 31 December 1899. “Know what this means?” First Mate Payton broke in, “We’re only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line”. Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ship’s position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor. At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:

The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.

The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.

The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.

In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.

This ship was therefore not only in:

Two different days,

Two different months,

Two different years,

Two different seasons

But in two different centuries – all at the same time!

Friday Frivolity – Embarrassing Medical Exams – True Or Not Very Funny

  • ‘ Big breaths, ‘ . . . I instructed.’ Yes, they used to be, ‘ . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

  • One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

  • During a patient’s two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his medications. ‘Which one? ‘ . .. . I asked. ‘The patch… The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I ‘ m running out of places to put it! ‘ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

  • While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden? ‘ After a look of complete confusion, she answered . . . ‘ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive. ‘

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson – Corvallis, OR

  • As I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man, I asked . . . ‘ So how’s your breakfast this morning? ‘ ‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.’ Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘ KY Jelly. ‘

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

  • A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ‘ Keep off the grass. ‘ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘ Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. ‘

Submitted by RN no name,

  • As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. ‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you? ‘ She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ‘ No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .’ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. ‘

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name….

Plus, One MORE

  • Baby ‘ s First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. ‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied. ‘ Well, strip down to your waist, ‘ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,’ No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk. ‘ I know, ‘ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, But I’m glad I came

Day Brightener – Sometimes It Doesn’t Make Any Difference What You Call It

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’ The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’ The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, ‘This is a rock.’ Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’ The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike. The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, ‘My bike.’

Day Brightener – Another Example Of “Be Careful How You Ask The Question”

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”

So, the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.

The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!

The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks, “where did you find him?”

“Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.

“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness”

“Wow” says the barman.

The man then says “as you gave me a drink, I’m going to let you have the lamp”

“Be careful what you wish for tho”

So, the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish………

Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!

The barman shouts at the man saying” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks! “

To this the man replies” and you think that I wished for a 12-inch Pianist?!

Day Brightener – Proofreading Is A Dying Art, Wouldn’t You Say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya’ think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya’ think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is…

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?