Day Brightener – You Gotta Love The Irish

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” Paddy replies, “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!”

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts, “Paddy you’re mad, go home” So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman. “I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, “You know what I want, don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole ‘friggin’ bed by the looks of it!”

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. “Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!” Paddy says “What’s his name?” Mick replies “Miles, from London!”

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?” Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled brown eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit”.

Day Brightener – Humor Around Religion And Those Involved

Why Go to Church?
Last Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son for him to ready himself for church, and she was shocked when he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: – you’re 59 years old, and you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good,” he answered.

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman was nearby, engaged halfway up a telephone pole.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The $20 bill reminisced about its travel all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the $20 proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the $1 bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So, tell me,” says the $20, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The $1 bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church.”

The $20 bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “

Day Brightener – An Elderly Golfer Makes Certain That Things Are Right

Bob comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money; the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear and says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Friday Frivolity – Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’

The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad..’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?” The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’

He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this….times are tough right now…for all of us…so we need something to make the day a happy place.

“They” haven’t found a way to tax you for laughing yet!!

Day Brightener – A Drive Done Memory Lane – Very Literally

To some, this should bring back some memories of travel a long  time ago when 2 lane roads were boring!!!!

57 ChevFor those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet…… And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT?
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
Do these bring back any old memories ? If not, you’re merely young!!! If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME! Have a great day!

Here’s one more I remember that was near Jefferson City, MO on 50 highway.

A MAN  A MISS
A CAR  A CURVE
HE KISSED THE MISS
AND MISSED THE CURVE

Day Brightener – At The Bar And All To Believable

At The BarHaving already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him
straight in the eye and says,

“Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my
place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, 
sitting down, naked or with clothes on… It doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding… I’m in Government too.
Are you federal or state?”

Bonus Day Brightener – As We “Celebrate”? Tax Filing Deadline Day, One To Consider

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. 

The Russians used a pencil. 

Your taxes are due again – enjoy paying them.

Day Brightener – 7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah’. The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’ The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was the girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’ The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’ Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year old’s. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum? ‘Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’ The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’ ‘Yes,’ the class said. ‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’ A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples…’

It doesn’t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

Day Brightener – Sometimes The Best Laid Plans Go Astray

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn’t tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: “Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches”, and went to the bathroom.  The wife promptly went into the Maid’s bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her…. When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?” And then she switched on the light… “No madam”, said the Gardener.

Blonde ImageLast year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t, like, paid for them. OMG!  Hellloooo,………… Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I’m, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year — that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.