Day Brightener – Good Deed Gets Recognized

FROZEN CARBURETOR

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.

The biker was swathed in heavy clothing and wearing a full-face helmet for protection from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.

“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.

“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”

“I can’t,” said the biker.

“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started, and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, Jill..”

 

 

 

Day Brightener – The Toughest Cowboys Swapping Stories

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales..

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15-foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head and sucked the poison down in one gulp – didn’t even get a belly ache.”

Old Coon River Mac, the cowboy from Beach, North Dakota, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker…

Day Brightener – HILARIOUS: If You Read This Without Laughing Out Loud, There Is Something Wrong With You.

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air — then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the M—– f—– barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a vasectomy.

 

Day Brightener – Vaseline Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, ‘Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.’

‘And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?’

‘We use it for sex.’

The researcher was a little taken back.

‘Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?’

The woman says, ‘I don’t mind telling you at all…

My husband and I put it on the door knob so it gets slippery and the kids can’t open the door!’

Day Brightener – It Doesn’t Pay To Under Estimate Others

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no,… I never did dance… Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off –started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no m’am… But i’ve always wanted to.

There are a few lessons here for all of us:

1 – never be arrogant.
2 – don’t waste ammunition.
3 – whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid.

 

Friday Frivolity – As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life In 2019 With Maxine … Remember:

  1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called …”Ministers Should Do More Than Lay People”.
  2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
  4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash, and it is gone.
  5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
  6. I hate sex in the movies Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
  7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
  8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
  9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.
  10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way…OUCH!

The end – and the beginning of 2019!!

Day Brightener – How’s Your Day Going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife with another man and then my own dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!”

“But enough about me, how’s your day going?

Day Brightener – A Corollary To “Who’s On First” Vintage Abbott And Costello

COSTELLO: I want to talk about  the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject.  Terrible Times. It’s 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people  are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 14.7%.

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8%  Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay,  so it’s 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of  Work” as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be  unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO:  What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work  can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for  work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up,  you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that  would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment  would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment  just goes down because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT:  Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 7.8%. Otherwise it  would be 14.7%

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That  means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO:  Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT:  Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if  you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment  down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for  work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like  Congress.

Day Brightener – A Harley Rider Meets God

One day while riding his Harley a biker ran into God.  After a bit, God asked what was the one thing in the world he would want?  The biker thought for a moment and said; God, I would like a highway from California to Hawaii so that I can ride my Harley all the way.  God replied that it would be extremely difficult – 4,000 to 5,000-foot pilings and more.  So God asked, what his second wish would be?

The biker thought a little and said, God, I would like to know how women think and act.  God considered that request for a moment and replied, do you want two lanes or four!

Day Brightener – Aftermath Following An Accident On His Harley

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?

“As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife isgoing to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

I replied, “Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess.”