Day Brightener – A Little Religious Humor To Kick Off The Week

confessionalConfession 1
An Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is!’

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’

Confession 2
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old .. . . . I’m telling everybody!’

Tax Time Day Brightener – Grandpa And The IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa.  “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay.  Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand – with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?”  Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney.  “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

I keep telling you!  Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Put another way – “Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!”

Friday Frivolity – Sisters Of The Holy Prostitutes

canstockphoto21439248A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye… It reads:  

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

 He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.  Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real  and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,  ‘What may we do for you! my son?’ He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’ ‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed-door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’ He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Day Brightener – Fast Thinking Old Farmer

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while.  He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up in the air, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast!

Day Brightener – Don’t Mess With Older Folks

An older woman handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The older woman then asked, “Why?”

The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” She then returned the card to the older woman.

The older woman remained silent. But then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Mam, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”

The older woman then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”

The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”

The older woman then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to her *respectfully*

The older woman kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

Day Brightener – Gotta Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord tak in case you need an Irishe pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another…I hope everyone in your head is happy – we’re all doing pretty good in mine!

Weekend Day Brightener -18 reasons why Golf is BETTER than Sex

Golfer18.  You don’t have to sneak your golf magazine into the house.

17.  If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

16.  The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about golf.

15.  If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.

14.  Your golf partner won’t keep asking you questions about other partners you’ve golfed with.

13.  It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

12.  When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

11.  If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.

10.  Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

9.  When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to worry if they are really an undercover cop.

8.  You don’t have to go to some sleazy neighborhood to buy your golf stuff.

7.  You can have a golf calendar on the wall in your office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without being sued for harassment.

6.  There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

5.  If you want to watch golf on television you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

4.  Nobody expects you to promise to play golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

3.  Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

2.  You don’t have to be a newlywed to paln a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

And the Number One reason Golf is Better than Sex:

1.  Your golf partner will never say, “What?? We just golfed last week!! Is that all you ever think about??”