Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.
If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken …… no yolk
A southern gentleman with a strong southern accent went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”
“Wow, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had, gasped the girl.” Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? You’re an attractive guy too, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to your room?”
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, “Will there be anything else?”
“Why yes, replied the southern gentleman. Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y’all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink.”
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head “no”.
The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner to the bat boy.”
Bill hesitates but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it.
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, “Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C’mere Hilly baby.”
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, “Bill you”!$#@&!”.
The crowd goes absolutely wild.
Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, “How about that; I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!”
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first ‘pitch’.”
A lot of jokes about blonde females float around the internet but some may be surprised that there is a whole group of jokes about men that many do not see. Enjoy this other side of the coin.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE !’
And they say blondes are dumb….
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.
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‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..’Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
—- ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
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While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……….then He made the earth round.
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Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure, enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’
Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out! Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?
- The word has seven letters….
- Preceded God…
- Greater than God…
- More Evil than the devil…
- All poor people have it…
- Wealthy people need it….
- If you eat it, you will eventually die.
Did you figure it out?
Try hard before looking at the answers
Did you get it yet?
Brace yourself for the answer….
The Answer is:
NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded God.
NOTHING is greater than God.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples’ alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, “Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.” His wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, “That’s OK, Sweetheart” and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, “Honey, that was a bogey five and that’s OK, but I think we can do better.” To which she replied, “Listen asshole, don’t bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,