Day Brightener – Red Skelton’s Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
  2. We also sleep-in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So, I suggested the kitchen.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.  She said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So, I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
  8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.
  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”.
  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.
  12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don’t like to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”.

Day Brightener – Random Questions?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Day Brightener – Follow An Every Decade Reunion

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. 

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

“Where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Again?  Why?”

“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”

“OK.”

At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”

“OK.”

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”

“Good choice”

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”

“Great choice.”

At age 82 they meet and play again.  “Where should we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Because we’ve never been there before.”

“Okay, let’s give it a try.”  

Day Brightener – How To Start Your Day With Good News/Bad News

A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.

“Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $10 and $12 million…and I think she could be right.”

Paul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow!!  Well done!! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day.  Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Day Brightener – Grandfather Of The Year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies and all sorts of other things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long.” Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, “William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather.”

“Thanks,” says the grandfather, “but I am William. This little shit’s name is Kevin.

Day Brightener – They’re Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

They’re Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for the church ladies with computers.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up —

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.