Bonus Day Brightener – Something Only Minnesota Viking Fans Will Understand

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone….

Day Brightener – Is That You Dear?

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students : This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?

Then, one of the students from the back rows said: “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said “You got an A.”

Day Brightener – Certain Words Have More Than One Meaning

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her..

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you.

I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I take a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that’s going to be a problem for us, you might want to say so now!”

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.

“Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball”

Bonus Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Get The Week Started

ObitA Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read “Angus MacPherson died.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read…………… “Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale.”

The Dreaded Phone Call from the Boss

GolfersBoss: Is everything OK at the office?

Me: It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.

Boss: Can you do me a favor?

Me: Of course, What is it?

Boss: Pick up the pace a little, I’m in the foursome behind you!

Day Brightener – More Puns For 2022

1.  Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2.  What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3.  A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

4.  Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

5.  How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

6.  I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

7.  When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.

8.  Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

9.  Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

10.  I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

11.  I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

12.  What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

13.  I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

14.  What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.

15.  I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Friday Frivolity – Happenings At The Ranch

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before; and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.

Day Brightener – This Should Resonate Regardless Of Your Leanings!

Butch, The Rooster.

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets (a young hen) and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.  Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! 

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

(If you don’t send this on, you’re a chicken…… no yolk.)