Day Brightener – Wonderful (Fractured) English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple:   IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:   LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s Office, Rome:   SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:   DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:   CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:   ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP

In a City restaurant:   OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:   PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:   GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:   YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:   IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:   BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:   LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:   IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

Day Brightener – The New Job

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, the Personnel manager hired a very cute blonde, Denise, at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Denise surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Denise.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If you don’t forward this right away, there will be fewer people laughing in the world!

Day Brightener – Twelve Commandments For Seniors

Some of these are too close to home to be funny.

#1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice

#2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

#6 – “On time” is when you get there.

#7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 – Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 – Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.

#12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

Day Brightener – Some Things To Ponder

– If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

– It is ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom when they’re flashing behind you.

– I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

– I’m great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

– If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

– Never tell your problems to anyone because 20 percent don’t care, and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

– Take my advice. I’m not using it.

– Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

– Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

– I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and, so far, all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

– Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

– Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

– If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

– Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

– There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking. 

– He who laughs last thinks slowest and seldom gets the point. 

– Is it wrong that only one company can make the game Monopoly? 

– I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. 

– The grass may be greener on the other side, and you don’t have to mow it.

– I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

– I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

– If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? 

– No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Day Brightener – I’m Losing My Drivers License

I think I’m going to lose my driver’s license… and all just because of a stupid police officer…The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”

Me: “I assure you; I did not drink anything.”

Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”

Me: “A car.”

Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”

Me: “I have no idea!”

Officer: “So, you’re drunk.”

Me: “But I didn’t drink anything.”

Officer:  “Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: “A motorcycle.”

Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”

Me: “I have no idea!”

Officer: “As I suspected, you’re drunk!”

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.

Me: “So…, counter-question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”

Officer: “A prostitute of course.”

Me: “Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date coming right up…