Day Brightener – Nine Thoughts to Ponder

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2
In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long”.

 

Commentary – You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

Following is the text of an opinion piece from the Wall Street Journal this week. As you read this, think about this – The Geniuses that promulgated these great ideas are also telling us how to run our lives! Scary!!

Minnesota Not Nice

Could a state design a more destructive policy to address coronavirus?

By James Freeman

May 21, 2020 1:19 pm ET

Thank goodness Covid-19 isn’t as deadly as many media pundits feared. Given the incomprehensible policy blunders of Minnesota’s state government, its health system might have been completely overwhelmed by now.

The sad news from the Land of 10,000 Lakes (and nearly 50,000 state employees) is that Minnesota has been implementing the disastrous Covid-19 strategy made famous by New York’s Gov. Andrew Cuomo. The essence of the plan is to forcefully reduce the income of people at low risk, while simultaneously increasing the chances of virus exposure for those at high risk.

Chris Serres reports in the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

    Early in the pandemic, the Minnesota Department of Health turned to nursing homes and other long-term care facilities to relieve the burden on hospitals that were at risk of being overwhelmed by COVID-19 patients. Minnesota hospitals have since discharged dozens of infected patients to nursing homes, including facilities that have undergone large and deadly outbreaks of the disease, state records show…

    One such facility, North Ridge Health and Rehab in New Hope, has accepted 42 patients from hospitals and other long-term care facilities since mid-April even as the coronavirus has raged through its 320-bed nursing home, killing 48 of its patients and infecting scores more.

It’s almost beyond belief that governors like Minnesota’s Tim Walz and New York’s Mr. Cuomo would impose impoverishing lockdowns that restrict so much of everyday life—while systematically endangering the elderly who bear by far the greatest risk.

The results in Minnesota are hardly surprising. On Tuesday the Star Tribune’s Jeremy Olson reported:

    Deaths from COVID-19 continue to be concentrated among the elderly and residents of long-term care facilities, with 13 of 17 newly reported fatalities on Tuesday involving residents of these facilities.

    The pandemic has now been associated with 748 deaths in Minnesota, including 608 long-term care residents, according to the latest COVID-19 figures provided Tuesday by the Minnesota Department of Health. Total infections have reached 17,029, and the number of hospitalized patients stands at 545 — with 229 of those patients in intensive care.

“State health officials on Monday said they were making strides in their latest strategies to protect residents and workers at long-term care facilities,” adds Mr. Olson.

Apparently Minnesota’s governor is really impressed with the progress being made by his entire team. Over at the St. Paul Pioneer Press, Christopher Magan reports:

    The administration of Democratic Gov. Tim Walz will go ahead and implement pay raises in July for thousands of state workers over the objections of Republicans who control the state Senate…

    Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazelka, R-Nisswa, said Tuesday implementing the raises would be “tone deaf” because “there are 12 unemployed Minnesotans for every state employee who would receive a raise this July.”

A new Journal editorial notes another appalling element of the Walz agenda as he ever so slowly allows Minnesotans to resume their lives:

    Minnesota churchgoers were hoping for a reprieve Wednesday when Gov. Tim Walz, as expected, announced steps for easing restrictions on bars, restaurants, hair salons and barbershops starting June 1. But churches didn’t make the cut.

    In response, an interfaith group including the Minnesota Catholic Conference, the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod and the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty immediately put the Governor on notice. In accordance with their First Amendment right to the free exercise of religion, they sent letters to their congregations and Gov. Walz announcing their intention to reopen their churches next week—without his blessing.

As far as the plans blessed by governors like Messrs. Walz and Cuomo, it’s getting harder to tell what they have to do with countering the virus. Meanwhile in New Jersey another Democrat, Gov. Phil Murphy, has been blaming nursing-home operators for the relatively high death toll in such facilities. But Susan Livio and Ted Sherman at NJ.com say their reporting “points to major missteps and negligence by the state.” They note:

    Despite the governor’s criticism of nursing home operators, the long-term care facility in New Jersey with the most deaths is the state-run Veterans Memorial Home in Paramus, which as of Monday reported 79 dead and 283 residents testing positive for COVID-19.

Governors should immediately liberate private citizens to exercise their beliefs, restore their livelihoods and protect their elderly neighbors.

Day Brightener – Wedded Bliss

During the banquet celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, Tom, the husband, was asked to give a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

===============================

A neighbor tells his friend, “Close your curtains the next time you’re screwing your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

His friend, who is not the sharpest tool in the shed, replied, “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”

==================================

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction manuals.”

===============================

A newly married couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was big and burly, tossed his pants to his wife and said, “Here, put these on.”

She caught them and put them on. She said, “I can’t wear your pants!”

“That’s right,” her hubby answered, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

At that, his wife flipped him her panties. “Try these on,” she said.

He tried them on and could only get them up to his kneecaps. “Hell, I can’t get in your panties,” he said.

“That’s right,” his wife replied, “and that’s the way it is going to be until your attitude changes!”

Friday Frivolity – Google Pizza

CALLER:
Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

GOOGLE: 
No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER
Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others.  I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: 
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

Day Brightener – Rudeness vs Kindness

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself.  So, I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food.  She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.  I paid for it; it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer.  She’s gonna learn today you just don’t mess with us old people.

Day Brightener – Covid-19 Humor

I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget:  Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0   Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now.  We don’t have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day.  I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on the scale.”

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead, we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.  Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there’s only vehicle on the road – doesn’t seem so unrealistic these days …

They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:

  1. How dense the population is.
  2. How dense the population is.

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?”  Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed.  When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home school Day 1:  I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed.  So do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us?  Asking for myself …

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs.  We wander around the house looking for food.  We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner.

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only.  A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”

Enjoy your day.  You don’t have anything else to do.

Day Brightener- The Yearly Dementia Test (only 4 questions)

Mable2Yep, it’s that time of year again to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important
to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. 
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not. 

The space below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ just give up now, and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself! If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say ‘water,’ proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!! But, if you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question #4.

# 4. Do not use a calculator for this: 

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on. 
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!! Don’t you remember your own age?!? It was YOU, driving the bus!!!

Mable1If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.

P.S.: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!!

Day Brightener – Unintended Consequences Or Maybe Benefit

Old Golfer ImageA couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned
 that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to
 the very same dentist two years before. Is that so asked the first old guy? Did he do a good job?

The second oldster replied, Well, I was on the golf course
 yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have 
been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.

The first old guy was confused and asked, What the hell 
does that have to do with your dentures?

It was the first time my teeth didn’t hurt…..