A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She looks around, spots a beautiful Diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to more closely inspect it, she farts. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.

As she turns around her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as “cool as a cucumber” he displays all of what you would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s. He politely greets the lady with “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today???”

Blushing and uncomfortable but still hopeful the salesman missed her “incident”, she asks

“Sir, what is the price of the lovely bracelet?”

He answers “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit in your pants when I tell you the price!”

Oliver Wendell Holmes, the eminent Supreme Court justice, was on a train reading his paper when the conductor came by punching tickets. The justice searched his coat pockets for his ticket. Then he searched his vest pockets. Each time he came up empty.

Finally the conductor, recognizing him, said, “Mr. Justice Holmes, don’t worry. I’m sure the great Pennsylvania Railroad won’t mind if you send your ticket to us when you find it.”

With this the distinguished jurist looked up at the conductor and said, “My dear young man — the problem is not where is my ticket? The problem is — where am I going?”