Day Brightener – You Gotta Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” the man replied.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.”   Then he’d allow the traffic to pass

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney.   “Where are ye callin’ from?”

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch!   What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around, and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place, he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?”

Patton said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly….it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Friday Frivolity – Ten Questions And Exceptional Answers

WHY
Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?

BECAUSE
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

WHY
Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?

BECAUSE
This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ — and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’

WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?

BECAUSE
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘the egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’

WHY
Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUSE
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

WHY
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?

BECAUSE
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.

WHY
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

BECAUSE
It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.

WHY
Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?

BECAUSE
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theaters by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the center of attention.

WHY
Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?

BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

WHY
In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?

BECAUSE
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.’

WHY
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?

BECAUSE
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Day Brightener – Interesting Observations And Questions

questionsSpread the Smiles

Only in   America…….do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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Only in   America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
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Only in America…..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
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Only in   America…..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
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Only in   America…….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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Only in   America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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EVER WONDER ….

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin
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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?________________________________

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?________________________________

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?________________________________

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?________________________________

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?________________________________

like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?________________________________

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?________________________________

Day Brightener – Two Ladies

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded, “Well, for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit? ’ I learned to say, ‘Well, bless your heart.’”

Day Brightener – Why I Don’t Golf On Saturday


Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped Saturday golf.