Day Brightener – Sometimes It Doesn’t Make Any Difference What You Call It

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’ The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’ The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, ‘This is a rock.’ Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’ The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike. The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, ‘My bike.’

Day Brightener – Another Example Of “Be Careful How You Ask The Question”

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”

So, the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.

The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!

The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks, “where did you find him?”

“Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.

“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness”

“Wow” says the barman.

The man then says “as you gave me a drink, I’m going to let you have the lamp”

“Be careful what you wish for tho”

So, the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish………

Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!

The barman shouts at the man saying” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks! “

To this the man replies” and you think that I wished for a 12-inch Pianist?!

Day Brightener – Proofreading Is A Dying Art, Wouldn’t You Say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya’ think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya’ think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is…

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Day Brightener – Great Sports Quotes From An Earlier Era That You May Not Have Heard

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play. – Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.” – Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.” – Doug Sanders, professional golfer

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'” – Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.” – Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having them.” – Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.” – E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” – Vic Braden, tennis instructor

“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it twas Mrs. Koufax’s.” – Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surger

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.” – Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” – John Breen, Houston Oilers

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.” – Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

“When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” – Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.” – Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.” – Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.” – Lou Holtz ,Arkansas football coach

“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.” – Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

“I tell him ‘Attaway to hit, George.'” – Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.” – Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

“Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.” – George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.” – Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

Day Brightener – Aphorism: A Short, Pointed Sentence That Expresses A Wise Or Clever Observation

  1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
  2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail
  3. If you don’t have a sense of humor you probably don’t have any sense at all.
  4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
  5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
  6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
  7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
  8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
  9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
  10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
  11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
  12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the right number.
  13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
  14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.
  15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.
  16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
  18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford
  19. After 70, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.
  20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.
  21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

Friday Frivolity – It All Depends On The Interpretation

A virile, middle-aged, Italian guy named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he made love to her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?

She paused for a second, frowned and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her again and their love making resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly amid screams of passion.  Finally, Guido comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, “You finish?”

Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic climax they end together, screaming, snorting, bucking, and ripping at the bed sheets.

Completely exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?”

Barely able to speak, the blond whispers in his ear, “No, I’m Norwegian!”

Day Brightener – Little Johnny Strikes Again!

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

Day Brightener – Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.  Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled ‘Love’, and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been    doing pretty    well since you died,” her    husband told her.  “I   married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.   And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.  And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!

How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia”

Day Brightener – This May Answer A Question About Your Christmas Tree

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.