Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Start The Day

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s not even a member of this golf club’.

The professor was telling his early morning class, “I’ve found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over.”

A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, “Tell us more about Rosy.”

 

Day Brightener – Idiot Sightings – Makes One Wonder How They Do Not Hurt Themselves

  • I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said, “May I have large bills, please?” She looked at me and said, “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
  • When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Chevy dealership in Canton, MS.
  • We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
  • My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
  • My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.– From Kansas City
  • I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
  • The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
  • At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
  • I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us……and they VOTE.

Day Brightener – The Fishy Trip


A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike, but why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

You’ll love this…

The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

Day Brightener – Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, with the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth,  “Excuthe me mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle  bwown wabbit over der?”
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thyit.”

Friday Frivolity – An Amazing Two Letter English Word

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

Read until the end … you’ll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n]  or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in  the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old  car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at  night?

U    P   ! 

Did that one crack you UP?

Don’t screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book, or not . . . it’s UP to you.

Now I’ll shut  UP!

Day Brightener – The One-Eyed Redhead

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies.

(The suspense is killing you, isn’t it)? she said ………

” You’re just the first man who happened to catch my eye. ”

(Oh, shut up, and just forward it!)

Day Brightener – Man Killed On Golf Course

A foursome of guys were waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women were hitting from the women’s tee. The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately responded, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63.