Day Brightener – Shut-In Thoughts

  – I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited.

 – We are just two to three weeks away from learning everyone’s real hair color.

 – All these people are worrying about a baby boom in the next nine months. Two days of homeschooling should nip that right in the bud!

 – All I can think about now when I’m watching any TV show or movie is how everyone is standing WAY too close together.

– I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe!

 – The Department of Health is looking to hire couples married seven years or more to educate people on social distancing.

 – Quarantine Day 16. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Jamar from Superior Life Insurance has a new baby.

 – Grocery shopping has become a real life version of Pac-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit, and take 

 – So we don’t go to restaurants, kids aren’t signed up for anything, and we just stayed home for Spring Break? Sounds like my childhood.

 – This is like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded. Geez.

 – My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way? “There are no winners.

 – When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear, “I don’t know.” …YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

 – Can’t wait until this is over so I can go back to social distancing on my own terms.

 – Just bought six pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

> – My car probably thinks I died.

 – It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for three weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for 15 years.

 – If your parents are over 60 and want to go out … FORBID THEM! If they complain and say, “But everyone else is doing it”, tell them, “You’re not everyone.” IT’S PAYBACK TIME!

 – Hormel Foods made their first batch of SPAM in 1937. With everyone out shopping and hoarding food, they have announced they will be making their second batch later this week.

 – If you believe that the Yankees will be playing in two weeks, raise your right hand. Now slap yourself with it.

 – Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring!

– Anyone else getting a tan from the light in your refrigerator?

Friday Special – You’re Going To Say, ” I Didn’t Know That!”

Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘ Big Village ‘.

Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles
The full name of Los Angeles is: l Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula– And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City
The term ‘The Big Apple’ was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression ‘apple’ for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City Is to play the big time – The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, everyone is man-made.

Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. Km.

Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy (in 133 B.C.) There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world’s forests.

S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, and has an area of two tennis courts. And, as of 2001, has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, that did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically, though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years

Spain
Spain literally means ‘the land of rabbits’.

St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig’s Eye after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant who set up the first business there.

Russia
The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles.) It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen – so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the world’s highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters.) They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway

Day Brightener – Some Golf Wisdom

  • Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
  • Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.
  • If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he or she is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
  • The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
  • It is surprisingly easy to hole a 30 foot putt…for a 10.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he or she breaks a rule is like expecting them to make fun of their own haircut.
  • Non-chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
  • It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
  • The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
  • You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he or she must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
  • Hazards attract; fairways repel.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
  • It’s easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 a.m. to mow the grass.
  • A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
  • Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.
  • A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are….that’s why you get so many calls to play with your friends.
  • If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
  • Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
  • It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
  • If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he or she shot a six or a seven, they probably shot an eight (or worse).
  • It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you  don’t get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery!

 

Day Brightener – The Alabama Pastor And How Easy It Is To Misinterpret Something

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian  family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face  me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.  Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen, Brother!!

Day Brightener – This Is Funny Enough To Be True

IRSThe IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

BOAT OWNER: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

BOAT OWNER: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

Day Brightener – 23 Adult Truths Plus A Comment From Maxine

  1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
  5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
  10. Bad decisions make good stories.
  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
  13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
  17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
  20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
  23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older too

Day Brightener – Choosing Where To Retire

I almost retired in Phoenix, Arizona where…

  1. Folks are willing to park three blocks away from any destination because they found some shade.
  2. People experience condensation on their rear-ends from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  3. Folks can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave the Phoenix Metro Area.
  4. Everyone has over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  5. Folks know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits them in the face if they open an oven door at 500 degrees.
  6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, damn hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR-

I thought about retiring in California where…

  1. Folks make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.\
  2. The fastest part of people’s commute is going down your driveway
  3. Everybody knows how to eat an artichoke.
  4. When someone asks how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
  6. Folks can live on the beach for free (especially in the LA area).  All they need is a shopping cart, a blanket, a bottle of cheap wine, a stray dog, and an old tarp salvaged from a dumpster (in case it rains).

-OR-

I considered retiring in New York City where…

  1. Folks say “the city” and expect everyone to know they mean Manhattan.
  2. Folks can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
  3. Folks think Central Park is “nature.”
  4. Folks believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes them multilingual.
  5. Most folks have worn out their car horns…  IF they have a car and a driver’s license!
  6. Folks think eye contact is an act of aggression.
  7. But, of course, nobody really plans to retire in NYC, they plan on moving to Florida, but die first.

-OR-

I might have retired in New Jersey where…

Nobody retires in ‘Jersey,’ except people from New York City.

-OR-

I could have retired in Duluth, Minnesota where…

  1. Folks only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
  2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
  3. Everybody has seventeen recipes for casserole.
  4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and 7 weeks of road repairs.

-OR-

 I thought of retiring in The Deep South where…

  1. Folks can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
  3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense in court.
  4. Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
  5. Everything is either: “in yonder”  or “over yonder”  or “out yonder.”
  6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!

-OR-

I might have moved to Colorado where…

  1. Folks carry their $3,000 mountain bikes atop ancient (heavily rusted) $900 Jeep Cherokees.
  2. Women tell their husbands to pick up Granola on the way home, so hubby stops at the daycare center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of many male heads are bald, but they still have ponytails.

-OR-

I could have retired in Nebraska where… 

  1. Folks never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows everybody’s name.
  2. A traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You often have to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
  4. Folks end every sentence with a preposition (e.g., “Where’s my coat at?”)

-OR-

FINALLY, I could have retired in Florida where…

  1. Retirees eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon for $2.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
  4. It’s just as hot as Arizona, only they have humidity.
  5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
  6. If you’re 65 they consider you a youngster.
  7. When you vote for a president you generally are not around for the second term.
  8. Where you thought you would get away from all the assholes in NY and NJ.