I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.
A man tried to sell me a coffin ⚰️ today. I told him, “that’s the last thing I need!”
The neighborhood barber💈just got arrested for selling drugs. We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.
100 years ago, everyone had a horse 🐴 and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses 🐎! Oh, how the stables have turned.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.” “Shhh,” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.” “No, I must die in peace,” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend, and your co-worker.” “I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes.”
& Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high-end steakhouse market? It was just a Big 🍔 McSteak.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
On Lance Armstrong: I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
Drive By: A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!
The Agony of Aging: On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.
VIDEO SCAM: Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute: Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?” “Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”
And finally one from Jim