Day Brightener – More Than One Way To Maximize Revenue

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said: “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer: “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied, seriously. “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

Day Brightener – A Rainy Night In Dublin

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true. (Who Knows, But Very Funny!)

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running.  

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it… Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying … and wasn’t drunk. 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…

‘Look Paddy … there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!’

Day Brightener – The Blondes Are Back!

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’  The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.  She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  She says, ‘What’s the story?’  He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.  She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.  ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor… ‘Show me.  ‘The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.  She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?’  Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’  ‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’  ‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what?  We’re going to be the first on the sun!’  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.  She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’  She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.  The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’   ‘HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,’ answered the blonde.  ‘They’re watch dogs.’

Friday Frivolity – Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned!

ConfessionalAn elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

Day Brightener – The Cow From Sicily

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.”You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:

“My wife is from Sicily.”

Day Brightener – Teaching Religion To A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

11235787-a-priest-with-a-bibleFather Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

minister.JPGReverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and “baptized” his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

rabbiThe Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

Day Brightener – Sometimes The Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

ClassroomOne day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. 
All the typical answers came up – fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman… and so forth..

However, little Phil Jr. was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,  “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.  Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Phil Jr. aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” the boy said, “He plays football for the Chicago Bears, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

Day Brightener – Top Things That You Will Never Hear Southern Boys Say

  • HillbillyWhen I retire, I’m movin’ north.
  • Oh I wouldn’t dare; she’s only sixteen……..
  • I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
  • Duct tape won’t fix that.
  • Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
  • We don’t keep no guns in this house.
  • You can’t feed that to the dog.
  • No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
  • Wrestling is fake.
  • We’re vegetarians.
  • Do you think my gut is too big?
  • I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
  • Honey, we don’t need another dog.
  • Who gives a sh** who won the Civil War?
  • Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  • Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
  • I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  • Trim the fat off that steak.
  • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  • The tires on that truck are too damn big.
  • Y’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.
  • Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  • My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  • I’ve got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.
  • Checkmate!
  • She’s too young to be wearing that bikini.
  • Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
  • I don’t have a favorite football team.
  • Youse Guys.
  • Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY!

  • Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole busload of us down to help in the (Insert Your Favorite or Unfavorite) Campaign.