Day Brightener – Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss As How To Answer The Following Questions

(You can’t make up this stuff)

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence I see on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own family like this?!

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much and it’s gotten so bad, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Remember, these people stand in line with you to cast their votes…

Day Brightener – Random Thoughts As We Age

SeniorWouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

 Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet!

 I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

 I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

 When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don’t have gray hair.  I have “wisdom highlights”.  I’m just very wise.

 My people skills are just fine.  It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

 The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please.  I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I’ll do that second week

When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Day Brightener – Quote Of The Decade

“A liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.

And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist:

It’s called Prison.”

Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Friday Frivolity – 25 Words That Are Their Own Opposites

Here’s an ambiguous sentence for you: “Because of the agency’s oversight, the corporation’s behavior was sanctioned.” Does that mean, “Because the agency oversaw the company’s behavior, they imposed a penalty for some transgression,” or does it mean, “Because the agency was inattentive, they overlooked the misbehavior and gave it their approval by default”? We’ve stumbled into the looking-glass world of contronyms—words that are their own antonyms.

1. Sanction (via French, from Latin sanctio(n-), from sancire‘ratify,’) can mean “give official permission or approval for (an action)” or conversely, “impose a penalty on.”

2. Oversight is the noun form of two verbs with contrary meanings, “oversee” and “overlook.” Oversee, from Old English ofersēon (“look at from above”) means “supervise” (medieval Latin for the same thing: super-, “over” plus videre, “to see.”) Overlook usually means the opposite: “to fail to see or observe; to pass over without noticing; to disregard, ignore.”

3. Left can mean either remaining or departed. If the gentlemen have withdrawn to the drawing room for after-dinner cigars, who’s left? (The gentlemen have left and the ladies are left.)

4. Dust, along with the next two words, is a noun turned into a verb meaning either to add or to remove the thing in question. Only the context will tell you which it is. When you dust are you applying dust or removing it? It depends whether you’re dusting the crops or the furniture.

5. Seed can also go either way. If you seed the lawn you add seeds, but if you seed a tomato you remove them.

6. Stone is another verb to use with caution. You can stone some peaches, but please don’t stone your neighbor (even if he says he likes to get stoned).

7. Trim as a verb predates the noun, but it can also mean either adding or taking away. Arising from an Old English word meaning “to make firm or strong; to settle, arrange,” trim came to mean “to prepare, make ready.” Depending on who or what was being readied, it could mean either of two contradictory things: “to decorate something with ribbons, laces, or the like to give it a finished appearance” or “to cut off the outgrowths or irregularities of.” And the context doesn’t always make it clear. If you’re trimming the tree are you using tinsel or a chain saw?

8. Cleave can be cleaved into two homographs, words with different origins that end up spelled the same. Cleave, meaning “to cling to or adhere,” comes from an Old English word that took the forms cleofian, clifian, or clīfan. Cleave, with the contrary meaning “to split or sever (something)”—as you might do with a cleaver—comes from a different Old English word, clēofan. The past participle has taken various forms: cloven, which survives in the phrase “cloven hoof,” “cleft,” as in a “cleft palate” or “cleaved.”

9. Resign works as a contronym in writing. This time we have homographs, but not homophones. Resign, meaning “to quit,” is spelled the same as resign, meaning “to sign up again,” but it’s pronounced differently.

10. Fast can mean “moving rapidly,” as in running fast, or “fixed, unmoving,” as in holding fast. If colors are fast they will not run. The meaning “firm, steadfast” came first; the adverb took on the sense “strongly, vigorously,” which evolved into “quickly,” a meaning that spread to the adjective.

11. Off means “deactivated,” as in to turn off, but also “activated,” as in the alarm went off.

12. Weather can mean “to withstand or come safely through” (as in the company weathered the recession) or it can mean “to be worn away” (the rock was weathered).

13. Screen can mean to show (a movie) or to hide (an unsightly view).

14. Help means “assist,” unless you can’t help doing something, when it means “prevent.”

15. Clip can mean “to bind together” or “to separate.” You clip sheets of paper to together or separate part of a page by clipping something out. Clip is a pair of homographs, words with different origins spelled the same. Old English clyppan, which means “to clasp with the arms, embrace, hug,” led to our current meaning, “to hold together with a clasp.” The other clip, “to cut or snip (a part) away,” is from Old Norse klippa, which may come from the sound of a shears.

16. Continue usually means to persist in doing something, but as a legal term it means stop a proceeding temporarily.

17. Fight with can be interpreted three ways. “He fought with his mother-in-law” could mean “They argued,” “They served together in the war,” or “He used the old battle-ax as a weapon.” (Thanks to linguistics professor Robert Hertz for this idea.)

18. Flog, meaning “to punish by caning or whipping,” shows up in school slang of the 17th century, but now it can have the contrary meaning, “to promote persistently,” as in “flogging a new book.” Perhaps that meaning arose from the sense “to urge (a horse, etc.) forward by whipping,” which grew out of the earliest meaning.

19. Go means “to proceed,” but also “give out or fail,” i.e., “This car could really go until it started to go.”

20. Hold up can mean “to support” or “to hinder”: “What a friend! When I’m struggling to get on my feet, he’s always there to hold me up.”

21. Out can mean “visible” or “invisible.” For example, “It’s a good thing the full moon was out when the lights went out.”

22. Out of means “outside” or “inside”: “I hardly get out of the house because I work out of my home.”

23. B**ch can derisively refer to a woman who is considered overly aggressive or domineering, or it can refer to someone passive or submissive.

24. Peer is a person of equal status (as in a jury of one’s peers), but some peers are more equal than others, like the members of the peerage, the British or Irish nobility.

25. Toss out could be either “to suggest” or “to discard”: “I decided to toss out the idea.”

The contronym (also spelled “contranym”) goes by many names, including auto-antonym, antagonym, enantiodrome, self-antonym, antilogy and Janus word (from the Roman god of beginnings and endings, often depicted with two faces looking in opposite directions). Can’t get enough of them? The folks at Daily Writing Tips have rounded up even more.

Day Brightener – Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

GrandfatherWhile I sat in the
 reception area of my doctor’s office, a
 woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. 
As she went to the
 receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and
 silent. Just as I was
 thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy
 slipped off his
 mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
 Placing his hand on the
 man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom
 makes me ride in the 
stroller too.”

*****

As
 I was nursing my 
baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came
 into the room. Never 
having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued
 and full of all 
kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling
 over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t
 think she knows how to 
use them.”

*****

Out bicycling one
 day
 with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a
 little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want
 to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming
 with me like you do 
now.
Carolyn shrugged.
“In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those
 things anyway.”

*****

Working as a
 pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
 immunization shots to
 children. One day, I entered the examining room to give
 four-year-old Lizzie
 her injection.
“No, no,
   no!” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her 
mother, “that’s not polite behavior.”
 With that, the girl
 yelled 
even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

*****

On
 the way back from a
 Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
 “Dad, I know
 babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get
 there in the first
 place?”

After my son hemmed
 and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 
 “You don’t 
have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you
 don’t know the
 answer.”

*****

Just before I was
 deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and
 broke the news to
 him. “I’m going to be away for a long
 time,” I told him. 
“I’m going to Iraq.”

“Why?”
he
 asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going
 on over there?”

*****

Paul Newman founded 
the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
 children stricken with
 cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and
 his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A
 counselor at a nearby 
table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know
 Newman was a famous
 movie star, explained, “That’s the man who
 made this camp
 possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad
 dressing
 bottle?” Blank stares. 
“Well,
  you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade
 carton.”
An
 eight-year-old girl
   perked up. “How long was he missing?”

*****

And my personal
 favorite…

God’s Problem 
Now! 

His wife’s
 graveside 
service was just barely finished, when there was a massive
 clap of thunder, 
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
 even more thunder 
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at
 the pastor and calmly 
said, “Well, she’s there.”

*****

Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in
 your heart! 

A smile – is a sign of joy. A hug – is a sign of love. 

A laugh – is a sign of happiness.

 And a friend like me? – Well that’s just a sign of
 good taste! 

We’ll be friends until I am senile.

Day Brightener – National Tell-A-Joke Day


A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this @#%!ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR @#%!ing BADGE!”

Day Brightener – It’s A Man Thing

PiperAs a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left
and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know
what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen
nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing!

Laughter is the BEST MEDICINE!

Please pass this along and make someone smile today!