Friday Frivolity – Make Sure Brain Is In Gear Before Putting Mouth In Motion

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘ No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now,’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’ .. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,  he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any! We had a Female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn’t that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so think before you speak!!!

Day Brightener – Eleven Minutes

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers’ Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, Officer?”

The trooper asks: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: “And, her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.”

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: “What’s your age, young man?”

The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.”

The trooper asks: “And her, what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

Day Brightener – The Facts Of Life

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining, and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”

So the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

She said, “They become taxi drivers.”

Day Brightener – I Guess Turnabout Is Fair Plays Or You Never Know Who You Will See

Priest211235787-a-priest-with-a-bibleTwo priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacationThey were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn’t help but stare.

Blonde in a BikiniAs the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.  How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’ ‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ She replied, Father, it’s me, — Sister Kathleen.’

Day Brightener – Flying South African Airlines — A Different Experience. – Most Of It Appears To Be True, But Funny And Great Humor Even If It Is not

This is about a real South African airline that seems to have a very good sense of humor. Read what is written on the outside of the plane and also the hilarious announcements by the flight attendants and pilots.  The announcements are great!  Enjoy!

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And get a kick out of the comments at the end of the photos. Notice the labeling on the plane.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN’T FLY INTERNATIONALLY – WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR – SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !”
—o0o—

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
—-o0o—

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
—-o0o—

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
—o0o—

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
—o0o—

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
—o0o–

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
—o0o—

From a Kulula employee: “Welcome aboard Kulula 2 71 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
—o0o—

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
—o0o—

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
—-o0o—

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
—o0o—

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
—o0o—

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
—o0o—

Heard on Kulula 2 55 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
—o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
—o0o—

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
—o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

“Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
—o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
—o0o

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”
—o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight: “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

Day Brightener – 7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah’. The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’ The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was the girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’ The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’ Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year old’s. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum? ‘Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’ The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’ ‘Yes,’ the class said. ‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’ A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples…’

It doesn’t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

Friday Frivolity – Some Folks Can’t Get Anything Right!

Brad lives in California… He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could.  He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.  

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car.  She notified the emergency services, and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

Day Brightener- Two Short Vignettes To Get The Day Going

confessionalI went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” He replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side!”

MBOn a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ toyer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick, ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What be those?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on this God’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus,” says the Irishman, “Mercedes think of everything!”

Day Brightener – Just Fred – His Tortured Journey Through Life

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.