Day Brightener – Two Subtle Ways To Question Someone’s Parentage

two golfers 2A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
 approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually
 played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re
 about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
 The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
 his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and
 liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
 you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
 The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
 donation, and if you want to bring your mother and father along, 
I’ll marry them.”

waitressA single man had just finished a nice meal at a first class restaurant. The waitress brought him his check. The diner left the amount of the check plus a 3 penny tip. The waitress looked at the miserly tip and commented “I can tell you three things about you from the tip.” The man asked what that might be?” The waitress responded; “One, your are a bachelor.” “Right” replied the man. “Second the waitress said you are quite well to do”. “Right again” the man replied. “And third your father was a bachelor also”.

Day Brightener (Maybe Downer?) – Can You Spend 100% of Your Time Seeking A New Full Time Job While Keeping and Getting Paid By Your Current Full Time Job?

Can You Spend 100% of Your Time Seeking A New Full Time Job While Keeping and Getting Paid By Your Current Full-Time Job?  Sounds Ridiculous, doesn’t it?  But that is just what politicians do all of the time. And this is not one party or the other, they all do it. Think about the current presidential campaign where there are six sitting senators in the race who are spending virtually 100% of their time campaigning for the presidency. Further good news, the loser got to keep his or her current high paying job. Depending on the cycle the candidates for either or both of the major parties, and in some cases for minor parties, who are sitting politicians will be running for president or senator or representative while holding another public office without resigning from their current post. Particularly with the presidency or a U. S. Senate seat, the demands of seeking that office are such that the candidates have no option but to spend 100% – actually more time than most spend on a full-time job – of their time on the stump.

Just another example of the “exalted” class.  They get better health care, better pensions, regularly exempt themselves from many of the rules we have to abide by and actually think they deserve it. Whatever happened to public service being something one did for a short period of time and then returned to private life?

Friday Frivolity – Grandfathers Are The Best!!

GrandpaHave you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? 
 Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. 
 Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
 “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked. 
 “Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Day Brightener – Maxine Has Questions

I have questions…Maxine

  • Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
  • If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

Maxine

  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  • Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Maxine

  • Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  • Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
  • Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Maxine
  • Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  • Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  • How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:Maxine

  • The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..night!!!!

Day Brightener – A Linguistic Conundrum

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.  In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: ‘How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?’ Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.  Here is his astute answer:

“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch

Day Brightener – The Epstein Incident

gentlemanDr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”

“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.

“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”

“Was it a long time ago?”

“Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?