Day Brightener – Golf Is Not Life It Is More Important Than That!

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you. “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?” The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.” The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club? “Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.  As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?” The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?

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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?” He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

Day Brightener – Direct From Ireland …

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John’s and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and Thongs.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer…And finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.” Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”

“What skill?” yelled Paddy. “I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter!”

Day Brightener – Whoosh

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO.  It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.  He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.  The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?”

“A Ferrari GTO.  It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man.  “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, alright, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.  Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly–WHHHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHH!  Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.  He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.  Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!  Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHHHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHH

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.  Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.  Not 10 seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again.  The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.  The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.  He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh!  Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “You could unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.”

Day Brightener – No Nursing Home For Us. We’ll Be Checking Into A Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.

I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $69.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $118.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$10.00 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There’s a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.

While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere.  Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes.

Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Scotland?  They have Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK.  If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, NHS or Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grand kids can use the pool.  What more could I ask for.

So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

AIDS WARNING!
To all of you have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you……

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

I’m not only sending this to my ‘old’ friends but to all so you can plan ahead!!!!! I love to see you smile.

Friday Frivolity – Whose Side Is He On?

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said,” What is it? ”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”