Bonus Day Brightener – CYBER BIRTH Story…..Bet You Didn’t Know This !!

A little boy goes to his father and asks, ” Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers, ” well son,I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat-room. Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, ” You’ve got made!”

Day Brightener – Sometimes It Needs A Little Explanation

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.  He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane? My name is Mrs. Goldstein.

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

 The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home..

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley.  We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady!  I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Day Brightener – Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokian – Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. It means “against expectations” in Greek.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn’t find any. 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. 

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got hell.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing!

Son: “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?” Dad: “No sun.”

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it

Day Brightener – My Job Search – Make Certain That You Enjoy Your Chosen Career!

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it…. I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn’t have any patience

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Day Brightener- Hypnotist At The Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens’ Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. “I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch” .

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”.

“SHIT” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Center. And, Claude was never invited back again.

Day Brightener – An Appropriate Sunday Post. This Is Too Funny – I Still Have Tears In My Eyes!

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)  Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)  We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body..”   He did not say, “Eat me.”
12)  The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Day Brightener – Six Little Stories – Life Is A Gift, Freedom A Responsibility

{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain.  On the day of prayer, the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That’s FAITH.

{2} When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That’s TRUST.

{3} Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still, we set the alarms to wake up.
That’s HOPE.

{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That’s CONFIDENCE

{5} We see the world suffering, but still, we get married and have children
That’s LOVE.

{6} On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old; I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.’
That’s ATTITUDE.

Have a happy day and live your life like the six stories. When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini-vacation.

“GOOD FRIENDS ARE THE RARE JEWELS OF LIFE” DIFFICULT TO FIND AND IMPOSSIBLE TO REPLACE !