Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.”

“The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

1. People born in the 50’s have lived in 7 decades, 2 millenniums.  We had the best music, fastest cars, drive-in theaters, soda fountains, and happy days.  And we are not even that old, we are just that cool.
2. Don’t stop having fun when you get older because you will get older when you stop having fun.
3. There are three signs of old age.  The first is memory loss.  I forget the other two. 
4. At my age the only pole dancing I do is to hold onto the safety bar in the bathtub. 
5. Who cares if we are getting old?  We still rock. 
6. Some people say we act looney.  We prefer to say we indulge in random self-amusement. 
7. Getting older has some benefits.  Call it a senior moment and you can get away with pretty much anything.
8. I am old enough to make my own decisions.  Just not young enough to remember what I decided. 
9. An 86-year-old has written a romance novel.  Most of the steaminess comes from the hot flashes. 
10. Getting Older is like being on a roller coaster.  There are highs, lows, laughter, and tears and sometimes you just may wet your pants a little. 
11. Welcome to the age where your secrets are safe with your friends.  They can’t remember them either. 
12. Don’t mess with old people, we didn’t get this age being stupid.
13. I am still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. 
14. Why is it the one who snores the loudest is always the first to fall asleep. 
15. My granddaughter asked me what it was like to be old.  “Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes.  Pull on rubber gloves.  Smear Vaseline over your glasses, there you have it: Instant:  ‘Old Age’.” 
16. It is a hoot being older.  You are at the age that you can finally say exactly what you are thinking. 
17. I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older…younger. 
18. As you get older you will understand more and more that it is not about what you like or what you own.  I am all about the person you have become. 

Whatever you do…Have fun and Bring Joy to Others!

• My Goal For 2020 Was To Lose 10 Pounds. Only Have 14 To Go
• I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese.  FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?
• I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
• I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
• A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
• Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
• Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
• Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
• I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.  I forgot where I was going with this.
• I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
• A thief broke into my house last night.  He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
• remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
• Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
• Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
• Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, & slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So, don’t sing
• I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
• So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
• If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
• I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
• Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
• Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
• getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
• I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
• At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:  “That’s a load of 2020.”  or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
• You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
• We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

1. How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to  marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. — Kristen, age 10

2 . What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10

3 . How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

4 . What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

5 . What Do Most People Do On A Date?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10

6 . When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they’re rich. –  Pam, age 7 (Love her)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

7 . Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9  (bless you child )

8 . How Would The World Be Different If People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

And the #1Favorite is…….

9 . How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.–  Ricky, age 9

O x y m o r o n s

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ballgame” when we are already there?
• Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and” wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?

Early aircraft  throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full  throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence “balls to the wall” for going very fast. And now you know the rest of the  story.

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Did you know the saying “God willing and the creek don’t rise” was in reference to the Creek Indians and not  a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south,Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington In his response, he was said to write, “God  willing and the Creek don’t rise.” Because he capitalized the word “Creek”, he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe  and not a body of water.

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In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings  of  George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms  and legs are ‘limbs,’ therefore  painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, ‘Okay,  but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.’  (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took  baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair   covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn’t wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for  30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term ‘big wig’. Today we often use the term ‘here  comes the Big Wig’ because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

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In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded  down  from the wall, and was used for dining. The ‘head of the household’ always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the  chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the ‘chair man.’ Today in business, we use the expression or title ‘Chairman’ or ‘Chairman of the Board.’

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Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.  As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by  adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out  their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman  began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, ‘mind your own bee’s wax.’ Should the woman smile,  the wax would crack, hence the term ‘crack a smile’. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression ‘losing face.’

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Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in ‘straight laced’ wore  a tightly tied lace.

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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but  only  applicable to the ‘Ace of Spades.’ To avoid paying the tax, people would  purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t ‘playing with a full deck.’

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Early politicians required feedback from the  public to determine what the people considered important. Since  there  were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their  assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to ‘go sip some Ale and listen to people’s conversations and political  concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different  times. ‘You go sip here’ and ‘You go sip there.’ The two words ‘go sip’ were  eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we  have the term ‘gossip.’

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At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank  from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was to  keep an  eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in ‘pints’ and who was drinking in ‘quarts,’ hence the phrase ‘minding your  ‘P’s and Q’s’.

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One more: bet you didn’t know this! In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried  iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary  to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting  on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem…. how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from  under the others. The  solution was a metal plate called a ‘Monkey’ with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the  iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make ‘Brass Monkeys.’ Few landlubbers  realize that brass contracts greater and much faster than iron when it’s chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would roll right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite  literally, ‘Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.’

If you don’t send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to any and all your unsuspecting friends, your hard  drive will kill your mouse.