Day Brightener – Achieving Inner Peace Defined

PeaceIf you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
 If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

 Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ….

Family DogHandle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away

Day Brightener – Golfing Nun Takes The Lord’s Name In Vain

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother —540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18  inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

Day Brightener – The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.  The second guy said, “We seem to be about evenly matched; how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course, and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Priest at the nearby Catholic church.

The pro was flustered and apologetic and immediately offered to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

Day Brightener – With Age Sometimes Comes Wisdom

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.  Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Darn, lady, you played that perfectly.” The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?’

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

Friday Frivolity – Unexpected Response

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While the source of today’s blog is a little different, I do want to thank Rabbi Mendy Levertov.

One Yom Kippur, a rabbi attempting to stir up a sleepy crowd decided to deliver the provocative message that one day, everyone in the congregation would die. As the room fell silent and congregants marinated in this uncomfortable truth, one man in the front row started laughing loudly. The rabbi, rattled at the moment of his apparent success, stopped and asked the man, “What’s so funny? Didn’t you hear what I said? Everyone in the congregation will die

The man, still laughing, replied, “Yes, Rabbi, but I’m not a member!”

,

Day Brightener – They Walk Among Us And Are Now Traveling Unsupervised!!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS

  1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
  2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
  3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
  4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We ass/u/me/d it would be included in the price.”
  5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
  6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
  7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
  8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
  9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
  10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
  11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun”
  12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
  13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
  14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
  15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
  16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
  17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
  18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
  19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

BEWARE …THEY WALK AMONG US and…THEY VOTE!

 

Day Brightener – What Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted..

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And Finally, Confucius Did Not Say. . … 
“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

Day Brightener – A Different Take On The Classic Tortise And Hare Story

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along @ 497 mph @ 33000ft when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state-of-the-art radio that is part of his state-of-the-art 3D & million-dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling at almost sea level.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777-pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 497 mph, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777-pilot chuckled and said, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five-star hotel paid for by the company”

LESSON OF LIFE:

When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!  When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!

It’s called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends approaching or enjoying S.O.S.

…”Don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.”…

Day Brightener – Out Of The Mouths Of Babes – Marriage And Dating Written By Kids

1. How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to  marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. — Kristen, age 10

2 . What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10

3 . How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

4 . What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

5 . What Do Most People Do On A Date?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10

6 . When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they’re rich. –  Pam, age 7 (Love her)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

7 . Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9  (bless you child )

8 . How Would The World Be Different If People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

And the #1Favorite is…….

9 . How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.–  Ricky, age 9