Day Brightener – Getting Older

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation, “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle?”

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens…

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s, when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate?”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I thought getting old would take longer.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

Day Brightener – Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.’

The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers… Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’

Day Brightener – Thank God For Helga – Helga’s Diary On A Cruise Ship

Cruise ShipDEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one – and I can’t wait!

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice

Day Brightener – All Puns Intended


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’ 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ 

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’ 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy. 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel. 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’ 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’  

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) ….. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.