- My Goal For 2020 Was To Lose 10 Pounds. Only Have 14 To Go
- I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
- I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
- I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
- A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
- Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
- Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
- Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
- I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
- I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
- A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
- remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
- Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
- It’s weird being the same age as old people.
- When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
- Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
- Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, & slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, don’t sing
- I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
- So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
- If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
- I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
- Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
- Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
- getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
- I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
- At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
- You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
- We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
The golfer described a typical day this way:
- “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
- Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
- Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
- Marched up and down several rocky hills,
- Stood in a patch of poison ivy,
- Crawled out of quicksand
- And took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”NAH,” he replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer.”
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
- The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
- The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
- The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
- The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
- The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too… I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends…it’s in big type so they can read it.
1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well.
7. This virus has done what no woman could – cancel sports, shut down bars & keep men at home!
8. I never thought, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
9. I need to practice social-distancing from the frig.
10. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
11. Apt analogy. “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying: “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”
12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & asking for money.
The questions is; do politicians lie? A wise man once said “Only when their lips are moving”.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception in our village.
Today’s post is a departure from the normal in that I want first of all to wish all a Merry Christmas. Second, I want to thank all that over the this year and other years have provided some of the gems that I was able to pass along. Third, I want to thank all of you that continue to access the blog – over 279,000 views to date – that provides the motivation for me to keep posting. Another, I think somewhat different stat, is that viewers have come from over 100 different countries.
In this both troubling and substantially different holiday season, Dee and I reminisced that this was the first time in over 50 years that we spent Christmas Eve alone. Generally we would have one or both of our children and one or both of our Grandson’s. We also talked about how this is a one-of and are looking forward to future holidays that will be better. To show you how different this Christmas Eve was, after attending church on-line (another holiday first-time experience) and dinner, Dee and I watched Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. Let’s face it not a typical holiday flick, but for us ABBA fans it provided just the right light-hearted touch that helped lighten our somewhat deprived feelings or to put it a better way, the other PMS – The Poor Me Syndrome.
Again, Merry Christmas and looking forward to a not only new but substantially different New Year.