- The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
- A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says,’Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges — Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page — Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer — Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) Remote Control — Female……. Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. SO………..
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
Crock O. Schitt
Note: Please Pass This On To Anyone Who Needs A Laugh. Remember: If You Don’t Then You Might Possibly Be Related To Fulla Schittted.
I THINK IT MADE ME FEEL NOT QUITE SO OLD.
Our favorite cartoon characters are also now seniors …. This really did make me feel better!
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW! WHAT A RIDE! —
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the s… out of all of you!'”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Couple of minutes ago.”
LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA — ONLY U.S. CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY
Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read an ad in the newspaper for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do and decided to apply. She submitted an application to a Florida lemon grove but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a schoolteacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, “I see you are well-educated and have an impressive resume. However, I must ask whether you have any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Trump.”
She started work yesterday.
Viking fans can relate!!