Day Brightener – A Bit Of A History Lesson And More Than A Bit Of Irony

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment. The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So, they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time, we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar, or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the”green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

 

Day Brightener – A Great Success With One Small Problem

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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm! “Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what is the good news?” “The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.” “Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon. “Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.” “That’s great,” said the surgeon. “Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how. to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just two”, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache.”

Day Brightener – The Honest Golfer

One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”The golfer replied that his club had fallen into

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

That is the truth!

Day Brightener – A Lady, A Cowboy And His Boots?

160682A4-2709-4839-A3DE-5C70B7D56029An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, TX and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table.

He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

The old woman asked the man if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, ‘Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?’

The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thank you, I’m really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my ‘services’ before!’

‘Don’t be flattered’ she replied…

‘Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit…’

Women can be so cruel !!

Day Brightener – Best Divorce Letter Ever!

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Phil My Dear husband,

I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.

I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and feel I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV shows. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything else that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

Don’t try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together. Have a great life!

—————————— —————

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. The reason I watch TV so much is because it drowns out your constant whining and bitching. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair-do last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was ‘You look just like a boy.’ Since my father taught me not to say anything, ‘if you can’t say something nice, etc.,’ I didn’t comment….and when you cooked my “favorite meal,” you must have confused me with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was only a coincidence that my brother had borrowed $300 from me just that morning.

After all this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris…….. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-Husband.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope this doesn’t present a problem.

Day Brightener – The Alabama Pastor And How Easy It Is To Misinterpret Something

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian  family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face  me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.  Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen, Brother!!

Day Brightener – You Gotta Love The Irish

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” Paddy replies, “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!”

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts, “Paddy you’re mad, go home” So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman. “I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, “You know what I want, don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole ‘friggin’ bed by the looks of it!”

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. “Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!” Paddy says “What’s his name?” Mick replies “Miles, from London!”

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?” Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled brown eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit”.