Day Brightener – S.O.S Old Is Better

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along @ 497 mph @ 33000ft when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state-of-the-art radio that is part of his state-of-the-art 3D & million-dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling at almost sea level.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777-pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 497 mph, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777-pilot chuckled and said, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five-star hotel paid for by the company”

LESSON OF LIFE:

When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!  When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!

It’s called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends approaching or enjoying S.O.S.

…”Don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.”…

Day Brightener – Darwin Awards Most New But One, A Special One, A Repeat

You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to propel 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves…   ‘ S*** Happens ‘

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Day Brightener – What a Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”  “What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, ” It is a special day for me. I am celebrating.”

“It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”  “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant.”

“What a coincidence,” said the man. “I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”

“This is incredible,” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he said.

The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence.”

Day Brightener – Nothing New But Amazing How Long Ago Some Of These Were Penned

  • A conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.  — John Adams
  • If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain
  • Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
  • I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. –Winston Churchill
  • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw
  • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy
  • Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. –James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
  • Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. –Ronald Reagan (1986)
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers
  • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! — P. J. O’Rourke
  • In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. –Voltaire (1764)
  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! — Pericles (430 B.C.)
  • No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain (1866)
  • Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. — Anonymous
  • The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan
  • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill
  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain
  • The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
  • There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. — Mark Twain
  • What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. –Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
  • A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson.
  • We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop

Day Brightener – Trump’s Wall – From A Physician’s Viewpoint

Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should the U.S. build Trump’s Mexican Wall? The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist’s had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.” The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. The ENT docs claimed that, I hear you, however something smells and it is a lot to swallow.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to those assholes in Washington!

Friday Frivolity – $5.37, The More You Read The Funnier It Gets…… Couldn’t Decide Whether To Laugh Or Cry.

$5.37. That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid, with the Elmo hairdo, said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to, and I then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child!  Senior citizen? Noooooooooo way!

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.   Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.    Old?    Me?

I’ll show him, I thought.   I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted by some trinket! What am I now?    A toddler?

“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!  “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now?! I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear-view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear-view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, ….. only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40-mph zone. Yessss,… I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Day Brightener – This Enlarged My Understanding, Regardless Of Your Leanings It Should Resonate

I became confused when I heard the word “Service” used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue ‘Service’

U.S. Postal ‘Service’

Telephone ‘Service’

Cable / TV ‘Service’

Civil ‘Service’

City, County & State Public ‘Service

Customer ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘Service‘ meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘Service‘ a few cows.

BAM!!!  It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing. I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am

Day Brightener – Good Deed Gets Recognized

FROZEN CARBURETOR

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.

The biker was swathed in heavy clothing and wearing a full-face helmet for protection from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.

“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.

“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”

“I can’t,” said the biker.

“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started, and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, Jill..”

 

 

 

Day Brightener – The Toughest Cowboys Swapping Stories

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales..

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15-foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head and sucked the poison down in one gulp – didn’t even get a belly ache.”

Old Coon River Mac, the cowboy from Beach, North Dakota, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker…