Eighth Place: 

In Chicago, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.

Seventh Place: 

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was  “totally zoned when he
ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on  his daily run.

Sixth Place: 

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their
hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.  Jones was
pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place: 

Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop
he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: 

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and
pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms  intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and
fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and  several customers also
drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases
in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: 

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
a.m. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was
closed.

RUNNER UP: 

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at
the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. 
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and
then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s
foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up  pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated  Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema  when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the  elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where  he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of  dung on top of him. It seems to
be just one of those freak accidents that proves – Shit happens.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS APPROPRIATE TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.