Genuine Council Complaints – Extracts from letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations throughout the U.K.

• It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
• The next-door neighbor has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
• I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina. The South Carolina Wage &
 Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help 
and sent an agent out to interview him. 
”I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded 
the Agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for
 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. 
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus 
free room and board. There’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours 
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
 He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
 of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…..the half-wit”, says the Agent.

“That would be me”, replied the farmer.

It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish   cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “

To be 8 again! 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left
and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know
what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen
nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing!

Laughter is the BEST MEDICINE!

Please pass this along and make someone smile today!

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday….

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, we’re outta here!

Wife’s Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing..’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster……

Husband’s Diary:

A 9 inch putt……….who the hell misses a 9 inch putt?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE:

MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50 YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?’

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ‘, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT  SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED…..’WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

By today’s standards, none of us  were supposed to ever make it past High School. 
HIGH SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2013 

Scenario 1:    
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 –  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 
2013 –  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.  Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:      
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.   
1957 –  Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.   
2013 –  Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark.  They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .

Scenario 3:      
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.   
1957 –  Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal.  He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.                  
2013 –  Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.  He becomes a zombie.  He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:      
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 –  Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.   
2013 –  Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused (spanked) herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:      
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.   
1957 –  Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .   
2013 –  The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.  His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:      
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.      
1957 –  Ants die.   
2013  –  ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called.  Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.  Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 7:      
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.   He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.      
1957  –   In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.                  
2013-  Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.  She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.    

This should hit every e-mail inbox to show how stupid we have become!