The 1st Affair  

A married man was having an affair  with his secretary.  One day they went to  her place and made love all  afternoon.  Exhausted, they fell  asleep  and woke up at 8 PM.  The man hurriedly dressed and  told his lover to take his shoes  outside and rub them in the grass and  dirt. He put on his shoes and  drove home.  Where have you been?’  his wife demanded.  ‘I can’t lie to  you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an  affair with my secretary.. We had sex  all afternoon.’  She looked down at  his shoes and said: ‘You lying  bastard!  You’ve been playing  golf!’   

The  2nd Affair  

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful  daughters  but always talked about  having a son. They decided to try  one last time for the son they always  wanted. The wife got  pregnant and delivered a healthy baby  boy.  The joyful father rushed to  the nursery to see his new son.  He was horrified at the ugliest  child he had ever seen.  He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I  can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered! Have you been fooling around  behind my back?’ The wife smiled  sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this  time!’   

The  3rd Affair  

A  mortician was working late one night.  He examined the body of Mr.  Schwartz,  about to be cremated,  and made a startling discovery.  Schwartz had the largest private part  he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry  Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician  commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated with such an impressive  private part. It must be saved for  posterity.’  So, he removed  it, stuffed it into his  briefcase, and took it home.  ‘I have something to show you  won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,  Opening his briefcase. ‘My  God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is  dead!’

The  4th Affair  

A  woman was in bed with her lover when  she heard her husband  opening the  front door. Hurry,’ she said,  ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed  baby oil all over him, then dusted him  with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move  until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend  you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’  the husband inquired as he entered the  room.. Oh it’s a statue,’ she  replied.  ‘The Smiths bought one and I  liked it so I got one for us,  too.’  No more was said, not even when they went to bed.  Around 2 AM the husband got up,  went to the kitchen and returned  with a sandwich and a beer.  ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have  this.  I stood like that for two days  at the Smiths and nobody offered me a  damned thing.’

The  5th Affair  

A  man walked into a cafe, went to the  bar and ordered a beer.  ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one  cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man  exclaimed…He glanced at the menu  and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy  steak and a bottle of wine?’   ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.  ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’  The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The  man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs  with your wife?’ The bartender  replied: ‘The same thing I’m  doing to his business down  here.’

The  6th & Best Affair  

Jake was  dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  He looked up and said weakly:  ‘I have something I must confess.’  ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife  replied.  ‘No,’ he insisted,   ‘I want to die in peace..I slept  with your sister, your best friend,  her best friend, and your mother!’  ‘I know,’ she replied.  ‘Now  just rest and let the poison work.’