We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – W.H. Auden

I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

 I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

 You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

 Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone….. That’s common sense leaving your body.

 I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom

I didn’t make it to the gym again today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John. I renamed it Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; If you find one…..what’s your plan ?

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying ‘JESUS SAVES’

One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?’

‘Well, that’s a little different,’ the officer smiled, ‘Their sign pertains to religion.’

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a new sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign.

Two Fallen Angels

Seeking Peter — $50

Edited with BlogPad Pro

Florida Woman Stops Gator Attack with Small Caliber Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.  What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?  A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

“She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.  The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

“It’s one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus the amount I saved in lawyer fees was incredible.”

Irish – Be Careful What You Say in a Pub .

I was at the local pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Gaelic, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Ireland ?”

And that’s the last thing I remember!

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your   truck.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, But they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. 

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” 

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” 

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.” 

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, So that should do us just fine.” 

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. “Well Bruce, It seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?” 

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

• A conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.  — John Adams
• If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain
• Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
• I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. –Winston Churchill
• A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw
• A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy
• Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. –James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
• Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
• Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
• Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. –Ronald Reagan (1986)
• I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers
• If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! — P. J. O’Rourke
• In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. –Voltaire (1764)
• Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! — Pericles (430 B.C.)
• No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain (1866)
• Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. — Anonymous
• The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan
• The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill
• The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain
• The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
• There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. — Mark Twain
• What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. –Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
• A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson.
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel .

“Your Holiness “, said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths. ”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me? ” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag. Even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. I played like I was 30 years old again. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“And what’s the bad news? “ the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Phil Mickelson.”

Edited with BlogPad Pro

The Jewish Elbow…

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………

“What . .. . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’ “?

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Irish blonde…

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all men…are men!

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Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

• FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex – right now.
• FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
• FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
• FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

I don’t know if Hillary is that stupid or if she thinks we are that stupid? Claiming that she used her personal email address, maintained on a separate totally disconnected email system, for official government business so that she would not have to carry two devices while she was Secretary of State doesn’t even rise to the credibility level of a campaign promise. We all know how low that bar is! Having multiple email addresses does not require multiple devices. One commentator said that if Hillary needed help setting up two email addresses on one phone just about any 10-year old could have provided the assistance. Even now that I am retired I have more than one email address on my iPhone and while I was working I always had my business email address and personal ones on the same phone allowing me to both send and receive emails with the proper addressing.

Once again, we have a politician blowing smoke and expecting that we will accept their justification for a probably unjustified action as proper. When will we see those we have elected, or in Hillary’s case one that hopes to be elected, recognize that most of us possess at least average intelligence and give up on this type of nonsense.