Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.”

Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”

“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2015 and Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”

Ole says, “How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

A guy is driving around the back woods of  Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’.  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.  ‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep’, the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, ‘So, what’s your story?’ 

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’  

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’  ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’ 

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars’, the guy says.

‘Ten dollars?   This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ 

‘Because he’s a Bullshitter.  He’s never been out of the yard.’ 

Edited with BlogPad Pro

This is the best one in a long time!   In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.   A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ‘ You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.’      

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.   Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.  Who would know if he touched them?      

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.      

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.  

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.   Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.      

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.  Your penis is under your pillow.’  

MEN NEVER LISTEN      

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Fed X pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Fed X pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the last one…

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Fed X pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Fed X pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the last one…
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

(Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?)

————————————————————

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

——————————————————

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

——————————————————

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

——————————————————

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

——————————————————

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives..”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”

————————————————————

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

————————————————-

Jake was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, Jake,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” Jake said, “I want you to marry Bert.”

“But I thought you hated Bert,” she said..

With his last breath Jake said, “I do!”

————————————–

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I  have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison me.   What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

————————————–

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home from a date.  As they’re about to kiss goodnight at the door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall, and, smiling, he says, “Honey, would you have sex with me?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on!  Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on!  There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way.  It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I love you so much!”

“No, no, and no.  I love you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh, yes you can.  Please?”

“No, no.  I just can’t!”

“I’m begging you.”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, disheveled hair, and in a sleepy voice, says,

“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it… or if need be,

Mom says she can come down herself and do it.  But for heaven’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

 “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled down my knickers  and made love to me right then and there.”

“They don’t like that in heaven,” said God.

The woman replied, “They’re not too happy about it in Wal-Mart either!

Jimmy decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.  His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”

Jimmy gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t!”

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent’s driveway in a Porsche….