God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

 “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled down my knickers  and made love to me right then and there.”

“They don’t like that in heaven,” said God.

The woman replied, “They’re not too happy about it in Wal-Mart either!

Jimmy decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.  His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”

Jimmy gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t!”