When we get older we think differently, don’t we? This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

 God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. 

Sincerely Agnes 

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.  I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You’ve just made my day.  Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods.  He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle , I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.     

 “What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle. “The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.  I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.”   “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle . “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.  And because all you have is Obamacare,  she’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t pee in your eye.”

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and “baptized” his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

Confucius Say… Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say... Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say... Man with broken condom often called Daddy

Confucius Say... Sex is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out….you lose interest.

Confucius Say... Viagra just like Disneyland … One hour wait for 5-minute ride.

Confucius Say. Much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say... Joke is like sex. Neither any good if you don’t get it.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’ The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’ The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, ‘This is a rock.’ Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’ The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike. The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, ‘My bike.’

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He    opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!’

The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be  damned,’ Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry.  I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat homely chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,  “You’re kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?”  I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?”  She said “Yea”, I got a pen”.  I said, “Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you”.  Cost me 6 stitches.

When you are over seventy . . . who gives a ****

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

When you are over seventy, who gives a  ****

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. “Really” she said, “Go on then…try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?” I said,  “Yesterday.”

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.” The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.” I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****