I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. – JOHNNY CARSON, Happiness Is a Dry Martini

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show, 1973

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show, Sep. 11, 1991

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday. – JOHNNY CARSON, Happiness Is a Dry Martini

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

When turkeys mate they think of swans. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

Did you know that Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? By the way, Nixon isn’t worried about the gas shortage and that’s understandable, of course. Everything’s downhill for him. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show, 1973

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat. – JOHNNY CARSON, Happiness Is a Dry Martini

For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

If God didn’t want men to hunt, he wouldn’t have given him plaid shirts. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, “To forget what?” And he said he couldn’t remember. – JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show