1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of well-used men’s size 16 hunting boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several copies of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put some giant dog dishes on the front porch next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

“Burma,
Bertha & I went for more ammo and beer.  Be back in an hour.  Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.  Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house.

Best wait outside.  Be right back.

Cooter”