- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
- I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
- Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
- Take my advice — I’m not using it.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
- I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
- Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
- Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
- Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
- I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Loren Berg's Blog 