Once again discrimination rears its ugly head...

Will it ever end?

Gotta Love Those Packer Fans!

What’s in a name?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, what if Picabo is now a nurse currently working in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital, she probably would not be permitted to answer the hospital telephones. Consider the confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days –

 

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor;

Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘

I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
drivin’ down da road…. ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor:

‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?

‘Now, wot da fock would you say?’

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.

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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward.

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“Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  , DC  . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in  Texas  .

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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President

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“I love  California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

— Dan Quayle

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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca

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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery

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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?

 

 

 

 

 

Send it on to your brilliant friends.

 

 

A drunken man who smelled of booze sat down on a subway next to a priest.  The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry.  I didn’t mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Golf Ethics question

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: “Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don’t find it in time, I’ll concede the match.”

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: “I found it!”

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

Time is like a river.  You cannot touch the water twice because the  flow that has passed will never pass again.  Enjoy every moment of life.  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.  

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story

My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said…..’ THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ‘

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ….Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’ We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s almost 3 times a week ! ………You could learn a lot from him.’ We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, In capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said, ‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow…’

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.