A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.”Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt”, the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sounds good to me,” and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says,” I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies. “I’m Father O’Malley.”…

Mathematics: Brilliant!! Thought you’d enjoy this!

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly ….. mathematical viewpoint… and it goes like this: What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula… how true it is.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all.

I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,

I had a roof over my head,

I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs?  Alcohol? , Divorce? ”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no….I was paroled.

—

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”

Any idea who made this statement? – Donald Trump? – No This was Thomas Jefferson – So this disposition is not new!

Further in the same item from June 14, 1807 “I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false.”

Funny, and we thought this was something new. The same sentiment 211 years apart.

The madam opened the brothel door in Pittsburgh and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

“May I help you sir?”  she asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

“There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”.

“Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Erie.”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in Erie.”

“I know.” the man said.  “Your sister died, and I am her attorney.  She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

——

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in Leonia, N.J.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

Why the name ‘Maxine’? ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’. John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.

Prior to her trip to Texas, Carol, a blonde from Scotland, confided to her co-workers and friends she had three goals for her trip to Cowboy country;

1. She wanted to taste some real western Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo…
   And…
3.  She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

‘Let me tell you, they have Texas beef to die for, and when they bar-b-q it, the taste is unbelievable!’

‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes… Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’

Then came the big question, ‘Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?’

‘Are you kidding? When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my mind!’

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday. ‘I’d like to be eight again,’ she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then after breakfast he took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day!  He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster,  everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park.   Her head wasreeling and her stomach felt upside down.  He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.  What a fabulous adventure. Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed,exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you ass !!’

The moral of the story:  Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong !!!