I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she hugged me.

My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don’t listen and something else….

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I thought growing old would take longer.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what’s going on.

The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed…. I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

A dog accepts you as the boss… a cat wants to see your resume.

Oops…. did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed; we’re having a staff meeting.

I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

I really don’t mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn’t an official job title.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It’s not illegal…. YET)

I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world’s best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home

I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me

If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds