Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. ~ Fran Lebowitz

There are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer, and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team’s goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

If the Super Bowl is really the ultimate game, why do they play it again next year? ~ Duane Thomas

You guys line up alphabetically by height. ~ Bill Peterson

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. ~ Phyllis Diller

If I drop dead tomorrow, at least I’ll know I died in good health. ~ Bum Phillips

I don’t know whether I prefer Astroturf to grass. I never smoked Astroturf. ~ Joe Namath

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? ~ Jim Bouton

You need 1 yard. Run the ball. Run the ball! ~ Richard Sherman

Most football players are temperamental. That’s 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental. ~ Doug Plank

Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck. ~ Don Shula

When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you. ~ Walter Payton

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football. ~ John Heisman

We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now. ~ Bruce Coslet

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team. ~ George Raveling

If you’re mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It’s about the same. ~ Bob Golic

Do you know my favorite part about the game is? The opportunity to play. ~ Mike Singletary

It’s ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that’s important. ~ Andy Rooney

No one has ever drowned in sweat. ~ Lou Holtz

Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. ~ Peyton Manning

The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break. ~ John Madden

Great football coaches have the vision to see, the faith to believe, the courage to do—and 25 great players. ~ Marv Levy

I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that. ~ Jerry Rice

Don’t worry about it. It’s just a bunch of guys with an odd-shaped ball. ~ Bill Parcells

In high school, when I played football, I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it. ~ Billy Crystal

On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, we want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want! ~ Henny Youngman

I did play two years of high school football and was very short and uncoordinated but the second year I was very tall and skinny and very uncoordinated. ~ Kyle Chandler

High school football in Detroit was not easy at all. There were talented players everywhere. ~ Antonio Gates