1. If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know that i was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

2. Respect your elders.  They graduated from school without the internet.

3. I’ve decided i’m not old.  I’m 25 — plus shipping and handling.

4. Why do i have to press “1” for english?  Did we move?.

6. Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

7. Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

8. Vegetarian:  ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!

9. I look at people and sometimes think : “really”?  — “that’s the sperm that won?”

10. In my defense i was left unsupervised.

11. If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

12. My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

13. Some things are just better left unsaid — and i usually realize it right after i say them.

14.   We owe our veterans everything.

15. Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

16. I thought getting old would take longer.

17. A wise man once said … Nothing