What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn’t pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn’t fall for it.

Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

They used to time me with a stopwatch… now they use a calendar.

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, “One day, this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn’t read too much into it.

Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd.
The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.”
The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”

What’s the difference between a maze and a depressed life? one of them you can find a way out of.

My teacher gave us an assignment and one of the questions was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I answered “Happy”. The teacher said I didn’t understand the test, I said to her that she didn’t understand life