LSD helps you lose weight.  Makes sense.  It’s kind of hard to get to the fridge when a dragon’s guarding it!

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens who are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game.  That’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

I saw a guy earlier today with no chin, and seriously all I could think about was:  How does he put on pillowcases?

Guy: [on the phone] Is this the helpline for alcoholics?
Agent: Yes, it is.
Guy: How do I make a margarita?

I’m in Home Depot and some kid called me an old fart…
So if you’re missing your kid, he’s in the red LG dryer – aisle 17.