You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen.’

 If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

Some of my friends exercise every day.  Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…. it doesn’t listen to anything.

I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad,’ and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what’s inside.

The pessimist complains about the wind.   The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.