When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.  Rodney Dangerfield

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah.” 
Mitch Hedberg

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. 
Rita Rudner

I saw a bank that said “24-hour banking,” but I don’t have that much time. 
Steven Wright

My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until the accident. 
Jimmy Carr

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. 
Paula Poundstone

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. 
Graham Norton

If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. 
Demetri Martin

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon. 
Sara Pascoe

Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen. 
Jim Gaffigan

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. 
Norm MacDonald

I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. 
Wendy Liebman

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again. 
Joan Rivers

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already. 
Milton Berle

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. 
Groucho Marx