Not everyone was born to cook. I personally was born to hold conversations with someone who is cooking. Know your strengths.

So, what if I do not know what apocalypse means. It is not the end of the world.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Could not concentrate.

I have a fear of speed bumps. I am slowly getting over it.

I could not figure out how the seatbelt worked. Then it clicked.

A Latino magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “Uno, dos…” *Poof*…He disappears without a tres.

So three golf clubs walk into a bar…
The putter says,” I’ll have a shot of vodka.”
The wedge says,” I’ll have a glass of wine.”
And the last one says, “Nothing for me. I am the driver.”

What is the difference between Black eyed Peas and Chickpeas. Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song Chickpeas can hummus one. 

It doesn’t matter how old you are. Buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised ten-year-old was given $100.00.

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly, she is not your friend anymore.

A lawyer who just underwent surgery emerges from anesthesia and notices that the room is dark.
“Nurse why are all the blinds drawn?”
The nurse says,” There’s a big fire across the street and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.” 

Bouncer: I am going to have to ask you to leave.
Me: Why?
Bouncer: I have no idea who you are, and this is my trampoline.

Truth tellers: small children, drunk people, and yoga pants.

There should be a calorie refund for things that do not taste as good as you expected.

I do not think it is fair that only roosters are allowed to start their day screaming.

I did not mean to push all your buttons. I was just trying to hit MUTE.