Tesla is truly smart technology!!

I bought a new Tesla!!  Had to go back to the dealer the other day because I couldn’t get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.”Nelson,” the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie” he continued and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers.

Then he said, “Ray Charles”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

 I drove away so happy and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven”, I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles”, I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new Tesla, but luckily, I swerved in time to avoid her.

 I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch”

 The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, AOC, or Pelosi?”

 God, I love this car!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, this is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’ Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’ It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called asshole #1. He said, ‘Hello’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’ I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’ I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax…

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax …I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.  Rodney Dangerfield

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah.” 
Mitch Hedberg

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. 
Rita Rudner

I saw a bank that said “24-hour banking,” but I don’t have that much time. 
Steven Wright

My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until the accident. 
Jimmy Carr

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. 
Paula Poundstone

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. 
Graham Norton

If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. 
Demetri Martin

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon. 
Sara Pascoe

Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen. 
Jim Gaffigan

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. 
Norm MacDonald

I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. 
Wendy Liebman

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again. 
Joan Rivers

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already. 
Milton Berle

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. 
Groucho Marx

 

The Roman emperor’s wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, “Don’t be Sicily.”

I don’t know what you call a small spillage from a pen but I have an inkling.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.

I hate funerals — I’m not a mourning person.

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

The other day she tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.

It’s funny — England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but has a Liverpool.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.

Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead.

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.

Can’t repeat the past? … Why of course you can!

Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.

Whenever you feel like criticizing any one … just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.

Personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures.

Laughter is easier minute by minute, spilled with prodigality, tipped out at a cheerful word.

Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope.

People disappeared, reappeared, made plans to go somewhere, and then lost each other, searched for each other, found each other a few feet away.

There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.

Life is much more successfully looked at from a single window.

She wanted her life shaped now, immediately — and the decision must be made by some force — of love, of money, of unquestionable practicality — that was close at hand.

No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.

As I walked on I was lonely no longer. I was a guide, a pathfinder, an original settler.

Just in case ya didn’t know…

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin ‘s winters.

Minnesota gets it’s name from the Sioux Indian word “mah-nee-soo-tah,” meaning, “No, really… They eat fish soaked in lye.”

The state song of Minnesota is “Someday the Vikings will… Aw, never mind.”

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as “the lutefisk capital of the world.” Avoid this city at all costs.

“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving the “Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled “Life Without Dick,” but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii–Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase “Blizzards on the 4th of July – you get used to it.”

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the “Little House” series of books, as well as inventing the “Spam diet” which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the “lutefisk diet”

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in ’84.

Now… it’s up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN….in February —

Cold is a relative thing ya know….

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.

At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.

At 50, Italian & English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..

At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.

At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can’t start the snowmobile.

At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying…”Cold enough for ya, eh?”

At 50 below, heck freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late