A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 5th grade.”

“No ma’am he replied, “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.”

Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening. It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.

Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm. “Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?!”

Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back. “I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”

Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “He’s going to rape us! What should we do?!”

I know,” replies Sister Dulce. “We’ll split up. I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”

The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent. She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun. Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.

“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.

“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”

“Oh, no! Then what?!”

“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.

“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.

“I lifted up my dress.”

“What did the man do?!”

“He dropped his pants.”

Sister Dulce clutches her rosary, terrified of what she’s about to hear next.

“Then… then what happened?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.”

A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the bills, but no. Every once in a while, I find a $5 bill stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. And I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $50 and a few days later, it’s all gone! I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn’t the only thing I think she is stealing.

Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream, chips, and sweets. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d better watch because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my wardrobes when I’m not home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knob and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver’s license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam towards the mass of people.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”

And they did. “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”

“Now we eat everybody.”

And they did, and when they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first ?

Why did we swim around and around them ?”

His wise father replied, “because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.  How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’ ‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ She replied, Father, it’s me, — Sister Kathleen.’

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets (a young hen) and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, that she entered him in a Show, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was that the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

(If you don’t send this on, you’re a chicken…… no yolk)