Garfield has been a fixture of newspaper comic strips since 1978, so it’s probably safe to say the titular lazy, lasagna-loving cat has lived many more than nine lives.

Television not only gives the eyeballs something to do, but it’s a socially acceptable excuse to snack.

You know you’re getting older when your favorite late-night show is the six o’clock news.

Just what is a Monday? Monday is a day designed to add depression to an otherwise happy week.

Life is a lot like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it. But the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

All I ever do is eat and sleep, eat and sleep, eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat’s life than that. But, I hope not.

If I ignore the world, maybe it will go away … Except for the lasagna.

Never confuse being lazy for being apathetic. We lazy people are not apathetic. Apathetic people don’t care about anything. Lazy people care, we just don’t do anything about it.

I’d like mornings better if they started later.

The only thing active about me is my imagination.

I wish there were something I could do about the aging process. I’d do sit-ups, but I couldn’t stand the noise.

A goldfish is an aquatic expression of beauty and grace that provides its observers with many hours of blissful meditation. It also makes a darn fine breakfast.

When the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean.

I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.

Aphorisms are among the oldest — and shortest — literary art forms. They tend to be concise statements or phrases that offer advice or insight in easy-to-remember nuggets that can be applied to a variety of situations.

Life is made up of marble and mud. 
Nathaniel Hawthorne

It is not length of life, but depth of life. 
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. 
James Baldwin

Nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood. 
Marie Curie

He that would live in peace and at ease, must not speak all he knows or judge all he sees. 
Benjamin Franklin

Life is short, art long, occasion brief, experience fallacious, judgment difficult. 
Hippocrates

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are. 
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

We are always the same age inside. 
Gertrude Stein

The act of dying is one of the acts of life. 
Marcus Aurelius

History, like beauty, depends largely on the beholder. 
Desmond Tutu

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 
widely attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. 
Oscar Wilde

There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. 
Leonard Cohen

Brevity is the soul of wit. 
William Shakespeare

Travel is fatal to prejudice. 
Mark Twain

Dorothy Parker was an American poet, literary critic and writer of fiction, plays and screenplays based in New York; she was known for her caustic wisecracks, and eye for 20th-century urban foibles. Parker rose to acclaim, both for her literary works published in magazines, such as The New Yorker, and as a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table.

There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. 

Interview with “The Paris Review,” 1956

 

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment. 

“The New Yorker,” 1929

 

Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart. 

“The New Yorker,” 1928

 

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. 

Quoted in “Dorothy Parker: In Her Own Words,” 2004

 

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think. 

Parker’s response when asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence during a game

 

Four be the things I’d been better without: / Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 

“Inventory,” 1937

 

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. 

Widely attributed to Parker, though the origin is unknown

 

They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm. 

“New York World,” 1928

 

Scratch a lover, and find a foe. 

“Ballade of a Great Weariness,” 1937

 

Excuse my dust. 

Another suggested epitaph for herself, “Vanity Fair,” 1925

 

No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
Dave Barry

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K. Jerome

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Doug Larson

I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.
Michael Scott (Steve Carell) in “The Office”

Habit is necessary; it is the habit of having habits, of turning a trail into a rut, that must be incessantly fought against if one is to remain alive. 

Edith Wharton

 

Stuckness shouldn’t be avoided. It’s the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. 

Robert M. Pirsig

 

I am the master of my fate: / I am the captain of my soul. 

William Ernest Henley

 

Dreams do not come true just because you dream them. It’s hard work that makes things happen. It’s hard work that creates change. 

Shonda Rhimes

 

True life is lived when tiny changes occur. 

Leo Tolstoy

 

People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of. 

Paulo Coelho

 

We’ve always done it this way” is not a good enough reason to keep doing it if it isn’t working. When an otherwise smart habit or ritual loses its potency and you continue doing it, you’re in a rut. 

Twyla Tharp

 

Things may get a little odd at times, but they work out. You don’t have to try very hard to make them work out; you just let them. 

Benjamin Hoff

 

Whatever you want to accomplish, stop overthinking it. You don’t need to have it all together. You just need to get on with it. You change your life by doing, not by thinking about doing. 

Gary John Bishop

 

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. 

Samuel Beckett

 

We imagine that when we are thrown out of our usual ruts all is lost, but it is only then that what is new and good begins. 

Leo Tolstoy 

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand his store’s furniture line by traveling to Paris to find new items.

Upon arriving in Paris, he visited manufacturers and selected a line he believed would be popular in his home country. To celebrate his acquisition, he decided to treat himself to a glass of wine at a small bistro.

As he savored his wine, he noticed the bistro was quite crowded, and the only vacant seat at his table was the one across from him.

Before long, a beautiful young Parisian girl approached his table. She spoke French to him, which he couldn’t understand. He motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried speaking to her in English, but she didn’t speak his language. After a few minutes of trying to communicate, he grabbed a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

They sat together at the table for a while, and then he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it. She nodded again, and they left the bistro, finding a quiet cafe with a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, and then he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band packed up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!