Vic stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.. Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What  the heck is taking so long?’ ‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Vic explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’  His companion said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.’

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at MCDONALDS. “My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another, “My cataracts are so bad; can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you”, said one elderly lady.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully, “Thank God we can all still drive.”

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:

• Metal
• Wood
• Stone

Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,  ‘If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, ‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

 

M&M’s of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking? I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard, and a backpack weren’t what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies: “To hell with your pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!”
6. A chap’s wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.
7. I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 11:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds now serve breakfast all day.
9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”  I replied: “OH, so now you want me to stay!”
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her:  “Only you. The others kept me awake all night!”