An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I’ll explain later.”

 The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.” 

The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.

In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,  This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,  The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,  I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,  Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,  A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,  I Chide myself And Almost Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,  If I Can Hit It Straight And Far

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,  Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,  And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,  And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,  To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,  It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,  If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,  And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,  But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of  balls .    A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.    Another study found golfers drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.    That means, on average, golfers get about  41 miles to the gallon.    Kind of makes you proud.  I Almost feel like a hybrid

This is priceless

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are. You will be really shocked by the last one (at least, I was)!!!

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think and puts things into perspective.

Diet Snapple, 16 oz., $1.29 … $10.32 per gallon!

Starbuck’s Reg Coffee 16 oz., $2.10… $16.80 per gallon!

Lipton Iced Tea, 16 oz., $1.19 … $9.52 per gallon!

Gatorade, 20 oz., $1.59 ….. $10.17 per gallon!

Ocean Spray, 16 oz., $1.25 .. $10.00 per gallon!

Brake Fluid, 12 oz., $3.15 … $33.60 per gallon! 

Vick’s Nyquil, 6 oz., $8.35 … $178.13 per gallon!

Pepto Bismol, 4 oz., $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon!

Whiteout, 7 oz., $1.39 ……… $25.42 per gallon!

Scope, 1.5 oz., $0.99 …..$84.48 per gallon!

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water, 9 oz., $1.49 …$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for a gallon of WATER!! and the buyers don’t even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap? So, they can hook you for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at you won’t believe it but it’s true: $ 5,200 a gal – $ 5200 A GALLON!!!

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!

And, If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, less people will know…… !!May you be happy and well 

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say, “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (If you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes must fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
5. The highest level of criticism is “He is different,”” She is different,” or “It was different!”

OR

You can retire to South Carolina where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. ”Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder”,  “over yonder”  or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say, “Bless his heart” at the end!

OR

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Iowa where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.