• I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said, “May I have large bills, please?” She looked at me and said, “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
• When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Chevy dealership in Canton, MS.
• We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
• My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
• My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.– From Kansas City
• I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
• The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
• At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
• I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us……and they VOTE.

A graphic artist living in Germany works from home. His wife leaves their baby girl with him each day as she goes off to work.

 A few months ago, he got tired of her texting to check on how he was doing with the baby.  So, he started photo shopping responses to text back to her, and it has become a worldwide Instagram sensation.

Here are a few of them.

ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald’s and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.

‘You don’t?’ I replied.

‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.

‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’

‘That’s right.’

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true…) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn’t have any, only  Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’

I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.

She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’

Hmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check  about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

A Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,  ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’

Dispatcher: ‘Rush him to emergency right now!’

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh….it is all true. Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now! And remember, Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”  “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”  “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”  She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.” 

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:

1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck – couldn’t think of another.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.  He got an A.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.  The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”  The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”  His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”  After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”  She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”  Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”   The wife said, “Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t ask for directions.”

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE………

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading It.” – Moses Hada

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It.” – Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

 

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t It.” – Groucho Marx

”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

”When I’m good I’m very good, when I’m bad, I’m even better.” – Mae West

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray.. Asking God for ice cream! Why — I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, “Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?”

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson & said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grandson asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, “Here ma’am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass and cool off!”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it!