Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperature

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day !

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so, they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Shawn.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.  I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

You thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.”

The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas although still silent, it stinks terribly.”

“Good”, the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.”

Montana Meals on Wheels!

 

Minneapolis, MN (AP) -A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Hennepin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone….

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no,… I never did dance… Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off –started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no m’am… But i’ve always wanted to.

There are a few lessons here for all of us:

1 – never be arrogant.
2 – don’t waste ammunition.
3 – whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old people; they didn’t get old by being stupid. .