Day Brightener – A Parable

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. 


I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?” 

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied. 

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked. 

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.” 

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked. 

“Are you NUTS???” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!” 

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” 

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?” 

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”  

Day Brightener – 18 Quotes from C. S. Lewis

Clive Staples Lewis (1898–1963) was one of the intellectual giants of the twentieth century and arguably one of the most influential writers of his day. He was a Fellow and Tutor in English Literature at Oxford University until 1954, when he was unanimously elected to the Chair of Medieval and Renaissance Literature at Cambridge University, a position he held until his retirement.

Lewis wrote more than thirty books, allowing him to reach a vast audience, and his works continue to attract thousands of new readers every year. C. S. Lewis’s most distinguished and popular accomplishments include Mere ChristianityOut of the Silent PlanetThe Great DivorceThe Screwtape Letters, and the universally acknowledged classics in The Chronicles of Narnia. To date, the Narnia books have sold over 100 million copies and been transformed into three major motion pictures.

Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, “sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.”

 

You can’t get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.

 

For me, reason is the natural organ of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning. Imagination, producing new metaphors or revivifying old, is not the cause of truth, but its condition.

 

Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.

 

The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them … For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never visited.

 

We have trained [people] to think of the Future as a promised land which favoured heroes attain — not as something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

 

I do not think the forest would be so bright, nor the water so warm, nor love so sweet, if there were no danger in the lakes.

 

We all want progress. But … if you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.

 

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

 

In reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself. Like a night sky in the Greek poem, I see with a myriad eyes, but it is still I who see.

 

When I was ten I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.

 

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.

 

The value of the myth is that it takes all the things we know and restores to them the rich significance which has been hidden by the “veil of familiarity.”

 

A children’s story which is enjoyed only by children is a bad children’s story. The good ones last. A waltz which you can like only when you are waltzing is a bad waltz.

 

The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts.

 

The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.”

 

I wrote the books I should have liked to read if only I could have got them. That’s always been my reason for writing. People won’t write the books I want, so I have to do it for myself.

 

Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.

Friday Frivolity – Another Few Things To Wrap Your Head Around!

You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen.’

 If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

Some of my friends exercise every day.  Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…. it doesn’t listen to anything.

I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad,’ and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what’s inside.

The pessimist complains about the wind.   The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

Friday Frivolity – One Look At Government Efficiency

It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service, and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So, the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.

“Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes”, the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?”, the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.” 

Day Brightener – Things I Now Know

LSD helps you lose weight.  Makes sense.  It’s kind of hard to get to the fridge when a dragon’s guarding it!

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens who are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game.  That’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

I saw a guy earlier today with no chin, and seriously all I could think about was:  How does he put on pillowcases?

Guy: [on the phone] Is this the helpline for alcoholics?
Agent: Yes, it is.
Guy: How do I make a margarita?

I’m in Home Depot and some kid called me an old fart…
So if you’re missing your kid, he’s in the red LG dryer – aisle 17.