An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stare.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football”…. 
– John Heisman, first football coach at Rice

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” 
– Bear Bryant / Alabama 

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” 
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” 
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern 

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” 
–  Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame 

“When you win, nothing hurts.” 
–  Joe Namath / Alabama 

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall” 
–  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame 

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” 
–  Woody Hayes / Ohio State 

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” 
–  Bob Devaney / Nebraska 

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” 
–  Wally Butts / Georgia 

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” 
–  Alex Karras / Iowa 

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” 
–  Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee 

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

“Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.” 
– Shug Jordan / Auburn 

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me ” He said, “Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.” 
–    Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State/Dallas Cowboys 

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” 
–  Bobby Bowden / Florida State 

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.”   – 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; “All those who need showers, take them.” 
–  John McKay / USC 

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” 
–  Murray Warmath / Minnesota 

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” 
–  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” 
–  Darrell Royal / Texas 

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” 
–  John McKay / USC 

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” 
–  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 

“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a 
lot of words.” 
– Ohio State’s Urban Meyer 
 

The Beatles split 52 yrs. ago.

The TV show Laugh In premiered nearly 54 yrs. ago.

The movie Wizard of Oz is 82 yrs. old.

Elvis is dead 44 yrs. He’d be 86 today.

Michael Jackson’s Thriller video is 38 yrs. old.

Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin dead 51 yrs.

John Lennon dead 41 yrs.

Mickey Mantle retired 53 yrs. ago.

The movie Back to The Future is 37 yrs. old.

The movie Saturday Night Fever is 44 yrs. old.

The Ed Sullivan show ended 49 yrs. ago.

The Brady Bunch TV show premiered 52 yrs. ago.

The triplets on the TV show My Three Sons are now 52 yrs. old.

Tabitha from the TV show Bewitched is 57 yrs. old.

The Corvette turned 68 yrs. old this year.

The Mustang is 57.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and consider the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.