Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, for months met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really worried.  Since they only got together at the park feeding pigeons, Sam didn’t even know Bill’s last name, where he lived, or how to get hold of him.

After a month had passed, Sam mournfully assumed Bill had died or moved away.  But one day, when Sam arrived — lo and behold! — there sat Bill, joyfully feeding the pigeons.  Sam, delighted to see his old friend, excitedly blurted out, “For crying out loud Bill, what happened, where have you been?”

Bill replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Sam. ‘Why??”

“Well,” Bill said, “you remember Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty!”

“And you know what — that bastard judge gave me 30 days in jail for perjury!”

• A conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.  — John Adams
• If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain
• Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
• I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. –Winston Churchill
• A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw
• A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy
• Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. –James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
• Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
• Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
• Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. –Ronald Reagan (1986)
• I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers
• If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! — P. J. O’Rourke
• In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. –Voltaire (1764)
• Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! — Pericles (430 B.C.)
• No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain (1866)
• Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. — Anonymous
• The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan
• The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill
• The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain
• The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
• There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. — Mark Twain
• What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. –Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
• A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson.
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop

A SHOT OF WHISKEY – In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand were low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a “shot” of whiskey.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS – American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.

BUYING THE FARM – This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.

IRON CLAD CONTRACT – This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.

PASSING THE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE – Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it as    common to place one of these Buck Knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn’t want to deal he would “pass the buck” to the next player. If that player accepted then “the buck stopped there”.

RIFF RAFF – The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts, which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB – The Old English word for “spider” was “cob”.

SHIP STATEROOMS – Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

SLEEP TIGHT – Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a crisscross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.

SHOWBOAT – These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie “Showboat” these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating”.

OVER A BARREL – In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN – Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats.  People would say they “barged in”.

HOGWASH – Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash”.

CURFEW – The word “curfew” comes from the French phrase “couvre-feu”, which means “cover the fire”. It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu”, which later became the modern “curfew”.

In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew”.

BARRELS OF OIL – When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

HOT OFF THE PRESS – As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.

He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”

The man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”

The shoe guy replies, “I have millions in your bank,” he says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

“What’s your name? ” Asked the executive.

John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”

“Certainly” answers the Customer Service Manager, ” he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.

“We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life and I am sure we can learn from him.”

Mr. Smith began his story.

“I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny and the first thing I did was change my name to Smith.

I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.

Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.

I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.

I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me $12.6 million dollars.”

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
• Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!  A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!