The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. “May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.

“I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain.”

“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

“Aplomb,” My Lord.

“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused about it.”

“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

“While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

“That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender.”

“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, “Darling, is your prick still throbbing?” and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Carson is aplomb.”

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it…

1966   : Long hair   
2021   : Longing for hair 

1966   : KEG   
2021   : EKG  

1966   : Acid rock   
2021:   Acid reflux  

1966   : Moving to California because it’s cool  
2021   : Moving to Arizona because it’s warm 

1966   : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2021   : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 

1966   : Seeds and stems   
2021   : Roughage 

1966   : Hoping for a BMW   
2021   : Hoping for a BM  

1966   : Going to a new, hip joint  
2021   : Receiving a new hip joint 

1966   : Rolling Stones   
2021   : Kidney Stones  

1966   : Screw the system   
2021   : Upgrade the system  

1966   : Disco   
2021   : Costco  

1966   : Parents begging you to get your hair cut  
2021   : Children begging you to get their heads shaved 

1966   : Passing the drivers’ test  
2021   : Passing the vision test 

1966   : Whatever 
2021   : Depends 

Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 2003.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

 Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

 Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.  

 The CD was introduced 12 years  before they were born.  

 They have always had an answering machine..  

 They have always had cable. 

 They cannot fathom not having a remote control..

 Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.  

 They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.

 They never heard:  “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel”, or “de plane, Boss, de plane..”

 They do not care who shot J. R. & have no idea who J. R. even is  

 Mc Donald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.  

 They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that’s for those of you who have trouble reading.

It used to be required for any man entering the monastery or the clergy to be have their head partially shaved as the first part of the ceremony. The style of the tonsure varied from order to order and from region to region, but one common form was to shave the crown of the head, sort of like imposing male pattern baldness. Long hair was fashionable for men throughout most of history, so the idea behind the tonsure was to defer to Paul:

Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair, it is degrading to him —       1 Corinthians 11:14

An elderly lady bought a parrot to keep her company.  After a week or so she decided the parrot looked a little lonely, so she bought another parrot of the opposite sex to keep it company.

But then she discovered she couldn’t tell the male from the female because they both looked so similar in coloring and size. Then she hit upon a solution.  She watched them and when the male mounted the female she snatched it up and pulled all the feathers out of the top of his head.

Later that day the local parish priest came by to see how the lady was doing. When he came in he bowed down and removed his beanie thus exposing his shaved head.

The parrot, observing this, said:

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Did she catch you doing it too?

Wife – “Where have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”

Husband – “I’m so sorry Honey… but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife – “I want the truth, and I want it NOW !”

Husband – “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. ….. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refuse it – then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton – and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She’s such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it – one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.

Now I’m in her room….clothes are flying …… the talking stopped….and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says5:30. …… I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ………… There. You wanted the truth….you got it.”

Wife – “Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you!

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? 

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters? 

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage? 

E VER WONDER… Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? 

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?? 

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to smile.

I don’t normally post videos but this one is too good to not share.

I have questions…

• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

• Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

• The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..night!!!!

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was … a magician and juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.  A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way in Hell I can pass that test.”

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.  One says, “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aww, Shit,” says his friend, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !”

The best story of year doesn’t give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Barbie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Hi, I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife; the word is sternum.”