• A conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.  — John Adams
• If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain
• Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
• I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. –Winston Churchill
• A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw
• A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy
• Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. –James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
• Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
• Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
• Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. –Ronald Reagan (1986)
• I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers
• If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! — P. J. O’Rourke
• In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. –Voltaire (1764)
• Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! — Pericles (430 B.C.)
• No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain (1866)
• Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. — Anonymous
• The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan
• The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill
• The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain
• The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
• There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. — Mark Twain
• What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. –Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
• A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson.
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop

A SHOT OF WHISKEY – In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand were low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a “shot” of whiskey.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS – American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.

BUYING THE FARM – This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.

IRON CLAD CONTRACT – This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.

PASSING THE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE – Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it as    common to place one of these Buck Knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn’t want to deal he would “pass the buck” to the next player. If that player accepted then “the buck stopped there”.

RIFF RAFF – The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts, which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB – The Old English word for “spider” was “cob”.

SHIP STATEROOMS – Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

SLEEP TIGHT – Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a crisscross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.

SHOWBOAT – These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie “Showboat” these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating”.

OVER A BARREL – In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN – Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats.  People would say they “barged in”.

HOGWASH – Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash”.

CURFEW – The word “curfew” comes from the French phrase “couvre-feu”, which means “cover the fire”. It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu”, which later became the modern “curfew”.

In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew”.

BARRELS OF OIL – When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

HOT OFF THE PRESS – As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.

He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”

The man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”

The shoe guy replies, “I have millions in your bank,” he says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

“What’s your name? ” Asked the executive.

John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”

“Certainly” answers the Customer Service Manager, ” he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.

“We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life and I am sure we can learn from him.”

Mr. Smith began his story.

“I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny and the first thing I did was change my name to Smith.

I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.

Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.

I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.

I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me $12.6 million dollars.”

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
• Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!  A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. “May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.

“I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain.”

“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

“Aplomb,” My Lord.

“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused about it.”

“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

“While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

“That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender.”

“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, “Darling, is your prick still throbbing?” and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Carson is aplomb.”

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it…

1966   : Long hair   
2021   : Longing for hair 

1966   : KEG   
2021   : EKG  

1966   : Acid rock   
2021:   Acid reflux  

1966   : Moving to California because it’s cool  
2021   : Moving to Arizona because it’s warm 

1966   : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2021   : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 

1966   : Seeds and stems   
2021   : Roughage 

1966   : Hoping for a BMW   
2021   : Hoping for a BM  

1966   : Going to a new, hip joint  
2021   : Receiving a new hip joint 

1966   : Rolling Stones   
2021   : Kidney Stones  

1966   : Screw the system   
2021   : Upgrade the system  

1966   : Disco   
2021   : Costco  

1966   : Parents begging you to get your hair cut  
2021   : Children begging you to get their heads shaved 

1966   : Passing the drivers’ test  
2021   : Passing the vision test 

1966   : Whatever 
2021   : Depends 

Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 2003.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

 Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

 Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.  

 The CD was introduced 12 years  before they were born.  

 They have always had an answering machine..  

 They have always had cable. 

 They cannot fathom not having a remote control..

 Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.  

 They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.

 They never heard:  “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel”, or “de plane, Boss, de plane..”

 They do not care who shot J. R. & have no idea who J. R. even is  

 Mc Donald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.  

 They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that’s for those of you who have trouble reading.

It used to be required for any man entering the monastery or the clergy to be have their head partially shaved as the first part of the ceremony. The style of the tonsure varied from order to order and from region to region, but one common form was to shave the crown of the head, sort of like imposing male pattern baldness. Long hair was fashionable for men throughout most of history, so the idea behind the tonsure was to defer to Paul:

Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair, it is degrading to him —       1 Corinthians 11:14

An elderly lady bought a parrot to keep her company.  After a week or so she decided the parrot looked a little lonely, so she bought another parrot of the opposite sex to keep it company.

But then she discovered she couldn’t tell the male from the female because they both looked so similar in coloring and size. Then she hit upon a solution.  She watched them and when the male mounted the female she snatched it up and pulled all the feathers out of the top of his head.

Later that day the local parish priest came by to see how the lady was doing. When he came in he bowed down and removed his beanie thus exposing his shaved head.

The parrot, observing this, said:

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Did she catch you doing it too?

Wife – “Where have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”

Husband – “I’m so sorry Honey… but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife – “I want the truth, and I want it NOW !”

Husband – “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. ….. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refuse it – then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton – and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She’s such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it – one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.

Now I’m in her room….clothes are flying …… the talking stopped….and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says5:30. …… I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ………… There. You wanted the truth….you got it.”

Wife – “Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you!