A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though….”

Nineteen blondes go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Barbie replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and found they were $70 each. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that – 2:30 am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend – yet.

 

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free-range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So, Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So, the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers.  The school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So, Farmer Jack called and said, “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, “Sure. Put up your own sign.”

“The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, “How is the problem with the speeding drivers, did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.”

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign.   He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.

So, he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign………..

‘NUDIST COLONY’

‘Slow down and watch for chicks!

\

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub,”

“Oh, I understand, “I said. ” A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said.  “A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you prefer a bed near the window?”

(ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON – or do you want the bed next to mine?)

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?   What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! ………I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap.”

I don’t understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
• Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.**    See below **

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you’ll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

• Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information!

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

***************************** *******

**CHARDONNAY, Scotch, or Bourbon may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. — Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. — Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top. — Pete Dye
14. I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. — Anon
22. The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
24. Reason they call it golf is because all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury
25. The #1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek. — St. Titleist

 

1. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
2. Pearls melt in vinegar.
3. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
4. It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
5. Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.
6. 6. The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,” uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
7. Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
8. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
9. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
10. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pie.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
11. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades – King David; Clubs – Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; and Diamonds – Julius Caesar.
12. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
13. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression “to get fired.”
14. Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
15. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.
16. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
17. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
18. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
19. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
20. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
21. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
22. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
23. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
24. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”
25. The man who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
26. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
27. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
28. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:

HOW MANY DID YOU KNOW?

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain. 

Thought you might find this interesting.  What they didn’t mention in this article is that CBS made the investment years ago to bury all the media cable used to film and broadcast the Masters, so what you don’t see is the unsightly mess of cables laced all over the course as in most tournaments.

Masters Tournament Quirks.

Maybe things you knew about Augusta and maybe some you didn’t. In 1934 Bobby Jones requested the USGA to host the US Open at Augusta. The USGA said no.  Angry at the rebuff. Bobby Jones and Clifford Roberts decided to have their own event, which became the Masters. The Masters is not a Championship of anything.  “You are the winner of the Masters”.  

The Masters is one of the most unusual events in sports. It’s all about tradition, and it’s defined by a set of odd rules and customs that just don’t exist outside of Augusta National. It’s great. We compiled the oddest traditions that make the Masters and Augusta one of a kind. 

Food prices are ridiculously low. 

Tipping is banned. 

Cell phones are prohibited at all times and cameras are not permitted during the tournament. 

It’s one of the only places in the U.S. where there are long lines for payphones. 

There’s a huge fence around the course to keep out animals. There has been one deer sighting in the last 65 years.  

Only four minutes of commercials per hour are allowed during the broadcast and no blimps are allowed. 

TV commentators are not allowed to refer to fans as “fans” or “spectators” They are to be called “patrons,” and the rough is to be referred to as the “second cut.” 

The Masters banned CBS broadcaster Gary McCord in 1995 for saying, “They don’t cut the greens here at Augusta, they use bikini wax.” 

Players had to use local caddies provided by Augusta until 1983. 

Players are allowed to use their own caddies now, but they have to wear the Augusta uniform — green hat, white jumpsuit. 

Like many golf courses, there is good fishing at Augusta National, but the players don’t like to talk about it because it is forbidden.  

In 2011, Monte Burke of Forbes interviewed golfers about the best fishing spots on the PGA Tour . When Augusta was brought up, he described their responses as “squeamish” and they only admitted to hearing there were some good spots.  A former caddie was willing to tell Burke that the best spots are the creek in front of the 12th hole (“full of bream”; seen above) and the pond at the 16th hole (“brimming with bass”). 

Fans, oops, we mean patrons, aren’t allowed to wear their hats backwards.

Patrons can bring collapsible chairs to sit on, but those chairs are not allowed to have armrests. 

Running is not allowed, unless you are a player. 

Grounds crew members used to wear hard hats. 

There is an odd myth that the grounds crew at Augusta packs the azalea plants with ice if spring comes early. The idea is that this will keep the plants from flowering too soon before the tournament. 

There is a house located in the middle of the Augusta National parking lot because the owners refuse to sell it. The family has reportedly turned down “millions.” 

You can’t apply to become a member at Augusta.  It’s nearly impossible to become a member at Augusta.  You have to be nominated by a current Augusta member, and new initiations generally aren’t accepted unless someone quits or dies. The total membership hovers around 300. 

Augusta is closed in the summer to keep the course in pristine shape.  Even the press conference podium is immaculate. 

Players are given a brand-new Mercedes for use during the week. 

Golf cart drivers who are hired to drive the players around Augusta National also pick up the golfers at the airport in the Mercedes they will be using. The cars also have a number in the back window so that employees can always identify the players by which car they are in. 

You can go to jail for selling tickets.  Twenty-four people were arrested outside Augusta in 2012 for trying to scalp tickets. The course is insane about who it lets into the tournament and it’s illegal to sell tickets within 2,700 feet of the gates. 

You can only ask for autographs in one part of the course.  Fans always line the ropes at big tournaments in hopes of getting a signature. But this is tougher to do at Augusta. You can only try and solicit an autograph on the Washington Roadside of the clubhouse, near the practice facilities. 

The bunkers at Augusta are filled with mining waste.  You know those pristine white bunkers? They’re actually composed of waste product from the mining of aluminum, according to Golf.com Basically, there’s a company that mines feldspar (rocks) for aluminum. This process produces waste in the form of really bright, pure quartz and that’s what Augusta uses.