A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.  He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.That horse – a long shot – won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.  The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.   He bet big on it, and it won.  As the races continued, the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing. The Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.  The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn’t even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he confronted the priest, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings!”

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.  “You’re not Catholic are you, my son?”

“No, I’m Jewish”.

“That’s the problem”, said the Priest, “you don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,  “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’..”
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery     and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the     anesthesia,     he asked to speak  to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son;    do your best, and just remember,     if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
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Aging:
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true.I love to hear them say “you don’t look that old.”
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place  !!)
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why    I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way     and some of the roads weren’t paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
““““““““
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I  wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a   coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?” The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,     blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,     — let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)

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(And this final one especially for me,)
“Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you  –  stick around awhile . . . it will !

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: “We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies’ tee box!”

To which the man turns around and yells: “And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!

A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He’s playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, “Are you going to let this slide? Do something!”

So God says, “Watch this.”

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, “Why did you reward him?”

God says, “Who is he gonna tell?”

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others as to what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I like the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes, sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied

The receptionist became visibly irritated and said, ‘Oh, my! You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear, or something like that, and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor…in private.’

The man replied, ‘you shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly, smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…

Mess with seniors? You’re going to lose.

Now, I know you’re laughing!

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,’Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

If you don’t send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world! 

Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.  Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

Moshe groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.  They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”

Moshe perks up. So, the doctor says, “You and your wife must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.  It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.

Moshe agrees to talk it over with his wife Zelda. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes,” says the man.

“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite countertops.”