Acupuncture is a jab well done

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating – always use condiments

Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired

What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it

Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under

Every calendar’s days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

In An Office Building:
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)

Very Clever

Funny But True

Seems Like They’ve Had Some Bad Customers Caw Caw

Doctors We Like

You’re Obsessing About This!

We All Know That One Guy

Target

Sign In India

Sign In India

Noah

No Trespassing

 The Good News Is We Do Accept Debit Cards

Wonder How Many Times Someone Knocked Before The Sign Was Made

That’s A Big Muffin

Strip Clubs Quarantined Sign

Well…

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.  The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger”…  “In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.”  “Before I kill you, I grant you three requests” “What is your FIRST request?’

The Lone Ranger responds,  “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits   he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse”, “But I will still kill you in two days.”  “What is your SECOND request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

“You are indeed a man of many talents,”   “But I will still kill you tomorrow.” “What is your LAST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse…alone.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

“Listen Very Carefully!!!  FOR…THE…LAST…TIME… “BRING POSSE!”

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This is a “heads up” for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Target, or Sam’s Club customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last couple of weeks, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short miniskirts they are wearing and the tight-fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald’s to get some hot cocoa and a snack.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen January 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on February 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful!! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up; they have proven it over and over again with me.

By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, Walmart, and Target.

So please, send this along to all the older men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

PS: (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods.  He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle , I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.     

 “What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle. “The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.  I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.”   “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle . “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.  And because all you have is Obamacare,  she’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t pee in your eye.”