A Minnesota farmer named Ole had an accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot attorney questioned him thusly, ‘Didn’t you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, I’m fine?” 

Ole responded, ‘vell, I’ll tell you vat happened dere. I’d yust loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da…’ 

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine!

Ole said, ‘vell, I’d yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin’ down da road….’ The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honor, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.   Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the attorney, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.’  

Ole said, ‘Tank you’ and proceeded vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch. 

By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn’t want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.’  

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorcycle turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’ too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.  

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

 ‘Now wot da heck vud you say?

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

 
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too..?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking drywall”.

Here is the glorious WINNER:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the HONORABLE MENTIONS:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.  The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, he told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. 

Remember…. They walk among us, they can reproduce…and VOTE!!!??

Just sharing a few funnies with you for as you know: laugh and the world laughs with you. We need the whole world laughing, for crying won’t do us a bit of good. Wishing you all a wonderful day.

On a lighter note, here’s something we can all agree on:

The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.

If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don’t, the country is safe.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, both men fell asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemosabe, look towards sky, what you see?

The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,

‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Esoterically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What’s it tell you, Tonto?

“You dumber than a (Insert the name of your favorite or least favorite politician here) voter.  It means someone stole the tent.”