WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People — 
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, 
He or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. 
Send this to the women who can handle it 
And to the men who will enjoy reading it. 
Men Are Just Happier People

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “how much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.

It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.”

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 133 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

“How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

The little girl answers, “Because you got an F in sex.”

It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

We have enough “youth”. How about a fountain of “smart”?

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENT’S MISTAKES – USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we’re not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

“I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could

Identify their corporate sponsors.”

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today.”

Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right —

My car was gone !

Dear Ma and Pa

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to itch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on ‘route marches,’ which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different.  A ‘route march’ is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don’t know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don’t even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6 and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8 and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

 Alice

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. (No whining: applies to any Administration.) One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how stimulus plans work.