DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one – and I can’t wait!

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.

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DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice

Tim Whyatt is Australia ’s equivalent of Gary Larson, cartoonist of “The Far Side”. These are some of his best down under cartoons.

Take fresh horse manure & rub your hands with it. It has the following actions:

1. It prevents you from touching your nose, eyes, mouth.

2. People will keep at least 6 feet away from you.

3. No one will want to shake your hand.

4. You will safely wash your hands well, before going to lunch.

I promise, it works.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’ 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ 

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’ 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy. 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel. 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’ 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’  

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) ….. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

You might like to recall..October 3, 1950  “Peanuts” first debuted in seven newspapers under the United Features Syndicate. Developed by Charles M. Schulz, who was raised Lutheran in Minneapolis and Saint Paul, Minnesota, “Peanuts” ran for nearly 50 years and was published in 2,600 newspapers, 75 countries and 21 languages. The little red haired girl who was his first love, passed on him because her mother thought he would never amount to anything.

Take the time to look at these gems of wisdom from good old Charles Schultz………….wonderful. – These were truly wonderful times when things were based more on common sense.