I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think we paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, the Vet come and had a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows!

He’s like a machine! I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year. “
The blonde man replied, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. 
”I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”. 

The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. 
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” 

”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. 
”No”, he shouts, “This is her husband!”

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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. 
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”

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A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. 
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. 
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. 
”Here boy!” he replies.

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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. 
”Hanging myself,” the blond replies. 
”It should be around your neck” says the guard. 
”I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.

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An Italian tourist asks a blonde 
man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” 
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just  how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another – Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. ‘Why?’ he asks. ‘What’s the matter? ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replies. ‘All I got was a headache … She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

IF YOU DON’T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

You didn’t even see this coming did you?

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2
In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long”.