I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought…“Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. 

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of ..  it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you …. I took her to Subway.

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

Revenge is sweet,

A jolly good recovery.

Golf for beginners

How men screw up romance

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 🤣  Yep this made me giggle and shake my head at the same time 

These are rules from Men:

Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question, you don’t want an answer to expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* Or Computers

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

A young man and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long international flight.

 The young man is thinking that old people are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

 So, the young man asks if the old man would like to play a fun game.

 The old man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

 The young man persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun….

 “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $1….”

 “Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $1000,” he says.

 This catches the old man’s attention as he’s living on a pension now, and to keep the young man quiet, he agrees to play the game.

 The young man asks the first question.

 “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”

 The old man doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $1 bill, and hands it to the young lawyer.

 Now, it’s the old man’s turn.

 He asks the young man, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

 The young man stares off into the distance, and begins to contort his face in confusion.

 Frustrated, he uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the interwebs.

 He frantically sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.

 After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

 He wakes up the old man, and hands him $1000.

 The old man smiles, pockets the $1000, and goes right back to sleep.

 The young man is going nuts not knowing the answer.

 He wakes the old man up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐭, 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐰𝐲𝐞𝐫 $𝟏, an𝐝 𝐠𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩.