My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ … She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’ So, I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started….
_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…
________________________________

Saturday morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……..
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, ‘I am NOT Happy!’

So, I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.
________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.

A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and a ten-year-old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.

Dr. Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.

The pope said, “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

Hillary said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.

President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only starting”. The child replies, “Don’t worry. There are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack.”

Whether or not you like to drink wine, this will give you some good laughs.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, “Don’t do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

HE paid for your Packer season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your golf trip to St. Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, “What would you do?”

The cabby says, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold!!!

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, …… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.