Why Go to Church?
Last Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son for him to ready himself for church, and she was shocked when he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: – you’re 59 years old, and you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good,” he answered.

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman was nearby, engaged halfway up a telephone pole.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The $20 bill reminisced about its travel all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the $20 proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the $1 bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So, tell me,” says the $20, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The $1 bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church.”

The $20 bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)  Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)  We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body..”   He did not say, “Eat me.”
12)  The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

It was dark and dreary on a Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.  

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My beautiful, loving wife of 20 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?’

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped golfing…

An old farmer drove to a neighbor’s and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, “Is your Dad home?”

The boy replied, “No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”

The farmer said, “Well, is your Mother here?”

The boy said, “No sir, she went to town with Dad.”

The farmer said, “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

The boy said, “No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, “Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”

“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment, “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

Life is not the way it’s supposed to be – it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried.

It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day, so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!”

Here are three interesting facts about the Hoover Dam Bridge (officially the Mike O’Callaghan–Pat Tillman Memorial Bridge):

Record-breaking arch: The bridge boasts the widest concrete arch in the entire Western Hemisphere! This massive arch stretches 1,060 feet and is designed to be incredibly stable.

First of its kind: The Hoover Dam Bridge is a true engineering marvel. It holds the title of the first concrete-steel composite arch bridge ever built in the United States. This unique design combines the strength of concrete with the flexibility of steel.

High flyer (with a view): Not only is the bridge an impressive feat of engineering, but it also offers stunning views. Towering 890 feet above the Colorado River, it’s the second-highest bridge in the entire United States! The bridge even features a pedestrian walkway, allowing visitors to experience the breathtaking scenery firsthand.